Storq Nursing cami (I’m no longer nursing, this is just comfortable…)
Ilana Kohn Caroline pants | XL (xs on sale now)
We’re back from our vacation and wow, I needed that so much. I had some anxiety about getting together during a pandemic, but we were all so careful leading up to and during our visit that I felt at ease once we were all together. We didn’t really go anywhere; we brought all our food with us and everything we could possibly need, we just all enjoyed being together. It feels cliche to say it, but what a balm for my soul. I was feeling very sad and lonely before, and while I still haven’t seen my dad and stepmom for a very long time, at least getting to see my mom and sister made me feel some hope, interestingly enough, given that the news is so apocalyptic.
Hawk is basically a toddler now, it’s like we took a baby to Arkansas and brought back a two-year old. He’s walking steadily; like he’s been doing it his whole life. He’s interacting more, taking more in, and also becoming quite testy. I know it’s too early for terrible twos but wow…he’s borderline acting out and has thrown a couple of tantrums lately. Not even a year old. Whoa.
I almost didn’t post my outfit picture today because I don’t recognize myself. If I’m being honest, I’m slightly mortified that my weight is back up to where it was seven years ago – where I never thought I would be again. Aside from not looking like myself – or how I WANT to look, let’s be honest – I don’t feel good. I can’t move like I want, even when I don’t have pain, and I’m uncomfortable with the extra weight.
I am not complaining anymore, it is what it is (well, okay, maybe I’m complaining a little, I can’t help it…). I created a remarkable human being, and in exchange, I gained 45 pounds. What a small price to pay – I’m thankful I could pay it. I’m going to start trying to lose the weight now (although I am still in pain more often than not), but I suspect it will be harder than ever, even with my increased activity rate. I am sitting down now because he’s napping, but most of the day I’m chasing Hawk around, cleaning up after him, or cooking food for him, so I’m constantly moving; it feels like I burn a million calories a day.
Anyway, enough about that. This is me now.
How are you???
You look lovely even though I know what you mean about gaining weight with kids. It’s hard, and the older we get it gets harder. I don’t want to give unsolicited advice but have you had your thyroid checked? And not just TSH but the thyroid antibodies and Free T3/T4 and Reverse T3? Those numbers can be off with a normal TSH and it can cause all kinds of difficulties with weight. My TSH is still within normal range but I had antibodies and I’ve been working on getting well, it happens often after babies.
Meg Yuan says
Sorry I might not be the most relatable person in the room since I don’t have kids, but I know there is nothing more priceless than seeing a smile on your and hawk’s faces. Do whatever makes your heart happy. Take care! Look forward to your next post.
I bet your family had a grand time with Hawk! He is so adorable! I ran across a term the other day that left me reeling: body neutrality. Understanding that your body is what it is. It carries babies and yourself through this world. The size of your body has no impact on your relationships, your intelligence, your place in this world. Reflecting on this has been such a positive experience for me. Maybe it will for you also.
So happy to hear that an actual vacation and meet-up with family is still possible. I’m feeling very lonely for my parents (ages 82 and 86) and desperately want to find a SAFE way to visit them without putting them at risk. We’re brainstorming here and coming up with a few ideas.
I never tire of seeing Hawk pictures and stories even though I’m in the “Grandma” phase of life. Keep ‘em coming!
I love that, Juli! Something I really need to tell myself.
After having 3 kids in my mid to late thirties, I can testify that the body is most assuredly different. You have to re-learn how to take care of yourself. This is a new version of you. I found that the challenge was to find completely new ways to eat, exercise, etc… Sometimes I did great, sometimes I failed. I have skinny pants and fat pants. But it is me.
Could Hawk be any cuter?? My gosh when I see your journey, (and thanks for your journal……by the way) I am in touch with alot of myself I have put aside. I love looking at clothes, thinking about fabrics, the whole thing, like you do! Thank you for giving me that and reminding me! As well as put new ideas in the mix….Just hang in there, so what!! you are not at ideal weight and have washboard abs. Cut yourself some credit. I’d much rather be ” imperfect” with a full life -than a life only focused on my appearance!! (think of Kardashians, etc….the list is endless…….)