Kowtow organic cotton/tencel Wandering dress
Birkenstock birko-flor sandals (purchased secondhand)
Proof that he does sleep sometimes…haha.
First, thank you guys for all your comments on all my posts, last post especially. I used to respond to each comment in a timely manner, but that’s become slightly more difficult, so I apologize. But I read and appreciate all of them, and you guys have all been life-savers recently; making me feel supported and not alone in terms of what I’m going through with a newborn.
I did want to clarify that I didn’t mean to say or imply that I want things to go “back” to the way they used to be, or back to “normal” in my last post. I don’t want to go back to my previous life in anyway, I just want to FEEL better and like I have some sense of self again, whatever that looks like now. I think I just want to be more comfortable going out if I want to, and doing the things I want to with Hawk. I know that will come (it’s getting easier every time I leave the house), I just need to be more patient. Obviously LOL.
Anyway, as you can see, we did do a thing and have photographic evidence to prove it haha. My sister and niece are here this week and Monday we went to the Dallas Arboretum for the pumpkin festival, which I really enjoy. It was soooo hot and we didn’t stay too long, but I breastfed in public for the first time, and transferred Hawk from his carseat to the stroller without waking him up. Success!! Seriously, I felt very accomplished Monday evening.
But then…Hawk slept for three hours at “bedtime,” which meant he woke up at about 1 for a feeding. When he wakes up that early I haven’t had more than 2-3 hours of sleep myself, so I always fall asleep feeding him and don’t get him back in the bassinet. And Leo was out of town Monday night; I really missed the help! Ultimately, I got some interrupted sleep, but not much, so combined with Hawk’s growth spurt, no daytime napping, and constant eating yesterday, it was a very difficult day. As soon as Leo got home, I handed Hawk off and ugly cried in the shower.
Last night though. He slept for a little more than 6 hours. We both woke up at 5:30 completely rejuvenated and ready for a new day LOL. And everything feels great. Sleep is a miracle. It’s astonishing how big of a difference a few hours of sleep makes.
Damn, what an adventure. Every minute is different from the one before. And Hawk is changing every day (he’ll be six weeks tomorrow!), evolving in to a teeny person with funny little mannerisms. I think the key now is to appreciate and really enjoy the “good” moments, while treating the difficult ones with equanimity, just trying to move through them and come out the other side. Because we will come out the other side….
Y’all are adorable! I love those little sleepy poses with the hands up.
I know exactly what you mean by “normal,” and I think what it is really is – it’s “feeling like I actually got sleep.” The first weeks with a newborn are such a haze. It’s like you don’t even really have time to think, so you don’t feel like “yourself” or “normal.” It’s pure survival. So when you do get those times of a straight 6 hours of sleep…it is rejuvenating! I think we all don’t realize just how very, very important sleep and rest is.
Sleep disruption really killed my ability to think and speak and write when my son was a newborn. I had such a hard time, I ended up quitting my job for a while. It was very distressing but then it all came back. And I read some things from other mothers who had a similar experience, along the way, which helped. My waist will never be the same, but at least my brain is back to functioning!
I love when their little hands go up, it’s just so sweet!
I have to say you look radiant. Honestly, you just look…so beautiful in this picture! Keep hanging in there! I feel like it takes babies forever to do something “big” like sit up (7 months for my little Daphne) but then everything happens in a cascade after that, and suddenly at 14 months she’s running, petting the dog, “helping” me fold laundry and starting to talk. It’s like hurry up and wait for months….and then it’s whoa, slow the eff down and stay a baby! So. Many. Emotions. <3 <3
Hooray! You got out! You managed!
And as one of those who was maybe too fervent about not wanting to go back to normal – sorry if I sounded chiding in any way, I didn’t mean to. I may have gone overboard with early motherhood, and I admit it. That’s what I was trying to say, that for me it was a mission, and it was my spiritual journey, but that is totally not necessary to raise children well.
Also, even at my most passionate, I always, always, always missed sleeping. Missed it to the point that when I finally started sleeping again I felt like a different person!
I love seeing these photos. You and Hawk both look wonderful.
You are doing so well. You look absolutely beautiful in this photo, also. This is really sending me back to the newborn days – it is just so freaking intense. I remember desperately asking people when it got ‘easier’. There are milestones when things improve – when daytime crying drops down, when they can go longer without a feed at night, the moments where you are shored up by the first smile and first word, but I don’t think there’s really a magic number. It just gets progressively easier day after day. It’s impossible to imagine at this point. It’s a bit like watching the tide come in. So gradual, but one moment you’ll look up and there will be water and calm where it used to be all patchy sand. It won’t be the same ‘normal’, but it will approximate it. In the meantime, I think it’s so valuable that you’re keeping this record of the days; particularly being honest in the emotional changes you’re going through. To my mind, it’s the biggest shift and learning curve we ever go through as people. Being present and alert right through it all – as you so clearly are – is such a measure of your ability to change and grow. Kudos to you. Keep looking for the small pleasures, the small triumphs, and the small spots of ‘you’ reassurance.