What’s the first thing you notice about this picture? Is it something positive or negative?
I posted a picture last night on twitter I found on a local blog of me, Indiana and Kelly from Yelp! who I met at an event Monday night and I thought everyone looked great, except I immediately focused in on my double chin, and my fat upper arms. And Kelly tweeted back to say “omg. someone stop be from eating…” Which was funny, because I thought she looked GREAT in the picture – her dress was super-cute and very flattering on her. And her smile is amazing. Anyway, I was talking to a friend today at lunch and decided to do an experiment and ask what you guys see when you FIRST look at a picture of another person. Is it the same thing you see when you first look at a picture of yourself? Do you automatically pick out all the flaws on the other person like you do yourself? I didn’t think so…
Yes, it’s true that we are our own biggest critics. As I’ve gotten older, it’s definitely gotten better, but I still look at pictures of myself that I post here and see the things I don’t like: my knees, my double-chin, my arms….it doesn’t stop me from posting pictures of myself here, though, because I’m starting to accept that I have flaws, but they don’t make up who I am, and I know that they are NOT what other people see when they look at me.
How many of you do the same thing? Do you notice flaws in other people as much as you notice them in yourself?
Ooo, this is a landmine.
The first thing I see in photos of myself is my round face, followed by my double chins. I’ve tried practicing poses in front of a mirror, trying to find a way to disguise or rid the extra chin. Nothing short of raising my chin like an arrogant bleep makes it go away. Now I live with it and wince at every photo. I am beginning to accept my flaws but I am always distinctly aware that if I see these things, others must too. But I’m going to post pictures of myself anyway.
I’m extremely critical of myself and highly critical of others; I always notice my flaws but they aren’t necessarly the first I see in others. The first things I see in photos of others is the size… If the person is smaller than me, I’m immediately struck with jealousy. If the person is my size or larger, I’m pleased, for lack of a better word. And then I look at shoes, hair, clothes, whatever catches my eye.
Sadly, most of the time I focus on the size issue. I click away from the site or post feeling envy, depression, despair, and self-hate.
I’m working on this.
I completely agree that I do the same thing, and if someone says “oh that’s a cute picture of you” to a picture I really dislike, I instantly start thinking “is that what I look like?! THAT is cute for me???” and it’s really ridiculous. When I look at others I usually look at things that I wish I had, such as a thin waist, longer legs, etc, and (crazily) think my life would somehow be better with what they have, or just envy that they can wear an item of clothing that just doesn’t work with my body type. I can say with certainty that I’m not allowing such thoughts to take over my life or even really change how I behave, but it’s a constant thing for sure, and I don’t quite know how to turn it off!
I have to be honest about this issue: It seems to me that a lot of women who are overweight play the blame-game or denial game, and don’t accept the fact that they simply need to eat LESS than they currently are (notice, I don’t say diet, but think about your portion sizes!) and get more active. Weight is not an accident, it’s a cause and effect relationship. I can’t tell you how many times I am out with friends who tell me I’m “lucky” to have the “metabolism” that keeps me on the slender side of average, and that they have a “slow” metabolism, and then proceed to eat enormous amounts of food — 2 appetizers, extra bread, a side of sausage in addition to the sausage that’s already in the main course, 2 drinks, and dessert. It’s unreal. Metabolism has little to do with it! Now for myself, as I say I am slim but that doesn’t mean I can go to town like that and not expect to gain a bit of weight. I think you need to find a balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement.
wow. that has nothing to do with what we’re discussing here. but thanks for sharing <–sarcasm
Don’t ask for an opinion if you have to post a snarky response. Your questions were ostensibly about “fat arms” and “double chin” — sorry, didn’t know you were just fishing for compliments under the guise of true advice
i asked “what do you notice 1st in pictures of yourself & in pictures of other people” – not for your opinions about fat people.
I agree with Grechen. You all might recall that little firestorm of publicity that occurred one year ago when Glamour mag pulblished a tiny pic of model Lizzie Miller and her teeny tummy pooch, proving that their readers were interested in seeing women that looked more like Crystal Renn and Lizzie Miller (i.e. more like the average American woman’s body shape), both whom would be considered fat if you only look at numbers. However, they are BOTH gorgeous models and I just mean MODELS… NOT plus-size!!! I am a size 14, and have been a size 10/12 in the recent past and it’s funny, most people described me as “skinny” at size 10/12! lol…(It’s not that big of jump, people. Trust me.) The first thing I noticed about you in the pic, Grechen, was how great your cleavage and neck look in that dress! I was thinking along the lines of “smokin’ hot!” And I saw the picture you were referring to of you, Indiana and Kelly and thought, “3 happy, gorgeous, well-dress women with beautiful smiles.” But as to your question about the way I look at myself? Yes, like you, I look at my double chin, my less than natural smile, my ne……WAIT! What happened to my neck?!? We are WAY too hard on ourselves and I, for one, tend to gloss over the compliments I get and say something negative about myself in reply. Why do we do that? (I’m assuming I’m not the only one!). There’s plenty of negative self-talk to go around, Carrie. I am tired of it, and want to change it. But it’s not up to you or anyone else to tell me “all [I] have to do is step away from the table.” I’m smart…I know that. We need to lift each other up with our comments, not tear-down.
Grechen — I am shocked you used the word “fat” … if you re-read my post it says no such thing … maybe you are confusing it with your own words: I thought everyone looked great, except I immediately focused in on my double chin, and my fat upper arms. (direct quote). Perhaps you want to direct your anger at its root, not at someone patient enough to answer your question. Learn to be openminded about other people, not just yourself
I appreciate your thoughtful response here … about the negative self-talk, I know what that’s about too, and I know it’s a struggle. You gave Grechen what she was looking for, lots of strokes and empty compliments — I’m sure she’s thrilled!
I don’t see what’s wrong with advising balance … as you say, you are intelligent and know the way to find a moderate weight if that’s what you’re looking for, and my point is that all the positive self-talk in the world won’t raise self esteem without action — Read the research on this, because it’s been well-documented recently in response to books on positive thinking like The Secret etc — The point is to add action to words, that’s all.
I totally know what you mean, Grechen. When a pic is taken of me on my camera Icheck it to see if it is “aceptable” and if not we take another. And another if necessary. And I have people only take them of me from the waist up because I’m hippy. I often think the pics of me are terrible when others say they are great. I immediately find the flaws.
I recently decided that after 29 years of comparing my body to other people who I feel look better, I’m going to wor really hard to change my attitude about myself. I give other people credit for looking cute and having great style no matter their size, but I need do it for myself too.
I think most women do the same-see the flaws first in yourself, but good things in others. Apparently there are a few out there who do the opposite, but I like to think that they are the minority.
I think you are an excellen style rolemodel Grechen, so don’t let the negativity of others affect how you view yourself!!
OMG….do I ever zero in on my flaws in pictures!! Bags under my eyes, stupid expressions, you name it. I swear I have NEVER taken a great picture. Well okay, maybe one but I sure didn’t think I looked like myself. I think we are all sensitive to our “flaws” so they are the first thing we notice in pictures of ourselves.
Now Gretchen, I am your physical opposite in weight yet you are my favorite blogger b/c you simply ROCK everything you wear. I really, really like that. I have a favorites list of fashion bloggers a mile long but I look at yours first. You and Karen from wheredidyougethat actually. (I’m built like Karen but nowhere near as daring as she stylewise.)
Your outfit photos always make me smile-you look like you’re comfortable in your skin and that you’d be a fun person to know. Isn’t that what we all want people to think of us? So my answer….do other people’s “flaws” in photos pop out to me ? I guess not. Do mine, yes.
P.S… Carrie… I’ve been model thin my whole life and I am guessing I am quite a bit older than you so that’s not likely to change. Something I’ve learned : most things in life, including a person’s weight are not black and white.
If you truly are a thin person it does get tiresome to hear that you are “lucky” and my personal most disliked comment “I hate you for being so skinny” (jokingly said by friends of course). Can you understand that what you said is the flip side of that coin?
So here’s a freebie for you…the most important Life Lesson I’ve learned so far:
In the end when we leave this life… people aren’t going to remember what you looked like as much as they will remember HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. Just think about it.
Grech, the first think I noticed in the picture you posted was how glamorous you look…very sexy and hippie chic.
The first thing I notice about pictures of me lately is that the older I get, the less I look like my familar self. Now that’s disconcerting!
As for the fabulous Carrie and her advice…what on earth makes her think that her advice was being solicited? Is she lacking basic reading skills?
*sigh* carrie, i wrote the post to ask others if they do the same thing i do when looking at pictures of themselves, vs pictures of others; focus in on the negative. i did NOT write the post to solicit weight-loss advice from you or anyone else. that’s all.
thanks so much for your comment kiki – seems like it’s just in our nature to see the best in others and the flaws in ourselves. i wish it wasn’t so…and i think it doesn’t have to be, but it will take a lot of work to change it. and i LOVE what you say at the end – it’s so true and something i’ve tried to remind myself of this past week. i’ve been going out for local fashion week events all week and end up getting photographed constantly, so i just tell myself to smile, and that nobody else is focusing on my chin(s) – they remember hanging out with me, meeting me, and that i was interested in what they have to say. it’s so much more important and meaningful anyway…
thanks for sharing nichole – i’ve honestly never met anyone who could look at a picture of themselves and be “happy” with it – they always make some sort of self-deprecating comment about themselves. and it seems to be kind of a knee-jerk reaction most times, like we don’t even think before saying or thinking something bad about ourselves. it takes constant effort for me to do otherwise, but i’ve really been practicing this week with all the local events going on…i look at the pictures and try to remember how i was enjoying being with my friends when it was taken, that’s all 🙂
also, i wonder if how others see us is the “real” person, or are we really how we see ourselves?
i don’t know how to turn it off either!!! i think ultimately, we just have to accept it and move on. and like you said, just don’t allow them to take over your life, keep them in check, and ultimately they will fade away…
amy, i totally understand where you’re coming from – i have always compared my size to others as well. i hate it, and want to turn it off, but it takes a lot of work. but the thing is, that even the very small people i know compare themselves to others in terms of size – no one is immune….
honestly, posting pictures of myself has helped me to overcome a lot of my “issues,” although obviously, they’re not all gone 😉
but i think at least doing it anyway (if that’s what you want to do) is a big step in the right direction. you know you are beautiful, and that you have something to offer. just keep that in your head…
Thanks for the post Grechen. The first thing I ALWAYS see in pictures of myself is my double chin…and yes Carrie…even thin people have double chins. Then I look at how uncomfortable I am in front of the camera, something I’m working on. It’s all a warped perception. I recently looked at my wedding photos and cried for an hour because I thought I looked horrible and then I showed them to everyone else, who called me ‘crazy’ and suggested sending the shots into a wedding magazine. You always looks so confident Grechen, something I believe is incredibly stylish. In accordance with chezmadame, I question if Carrie possesses basic reading skills. Keep the salty comments to yourself.
Well, it would be “empty” if I didn’t really feel that way. I don’t look at a person and see what is [so called] wrong with them first. Believe me, as a makeup artist, I’ve worked on a lot of women that the magazines would call beautiful, but they had ugly insides and nothing about them appeared beautiful to me. And as for self-esteem, if being skinny is all it takes, then why are so many models unhappy? I think you’re missing the point. Again, advice wasn’t being sought.
You are SO right. My husband always tells me, “Just say thank you, don’t try to convince them that they’re wrong about what they just complimented you on!”
I think others tend to respond to the kind of person we are, which is why they see more beauty in kinder people. I think we are WAY too hard on ourselves to see the real thing (for example, anorexics see the “obese person” in the mirror and not the true reflection).
AMEN Kiki!!!
love this val: “I think others tend to respond to the kind of person we are, which is why they see more beauty in kinder people” – that’s such a profound statement. and your husband is right 😉
Grechen, thank you for that. I’ve been thinking about this topic ever since you posted it, and I guess the thing that really bothers me about Carrie’s post (which she apparently sincerely believes) is the implication that there is something “righteous” about being thin. And that if you’re NOT thin, you’re weak, undisciplined, and have no will-power. All of those are CHARACTER qualities, not physical attributes. I for one, choose CHARACTER!!!
Wow. I have really enjoyed reading all of these comments because I often forget that I’m not the only person with insecurities concerning how I look in pictures. Even after losing 30lbs last year, I’m still very critical of myself when photographed. My eye always focuses on my arms. I have a big chest and muscular arms, so in pictures I tend to look big across the top because of the combination of the two. Now I typically put my hand on my hip to make my arm look smaller when a camera comes out. The downside to this: I am so busy trying to look thinner that I look less natural.
Some of the best pictures taken of me are either spur of the moment (aka I didn’t have time to pose) or I didn’t even know that a picture was being taken. When we are just ourselves I feel like the most beautiful version of ourselves comes out in photographs.
Grechen, before even reading this post I saw your pic and automatically told myself “I’ll have to be sure and comment to Grechen how absolutely fabulous she looks in this dress”. Kid you not! Just goes to prove that we are our own worst critic because the rest of us think you’re beautiful just the way you are.
Fabulous, thought-provoking post!
I think you’re adorable and have visited your site for several years. Keep up the awesome work.