Entireworld organic cotton ribbed top (gift from the brand) | small
Madewell Fair Trade denim – I wanted to give these another chance, but I’m taking them back; they just stretch and bag out too much around my knees and thighs. Again…what I dislike the most about stretchy denim. So I changed into my Rachel Comey jumpsuit:
Rachel Comey buxton jumpsuit
Mara Hoffman Fatima organic cotton jacket (sold out) | Chambray/hemp version!!!!!
Women by Common Projects Achilles sneakers | secondhand at The Real Real
Baggu fanny pack
Today I am confused, conflicted, and frustrated. I am lost. I feel at a crossroads (again). Of course I am. I’m 15.5 weeks pregnant, something I hadn’t thought I’d be in a very long time, let alone say out loud.
I am questioning everything right now. Who am I now? Who will I be? What will I do?
I did want to be a mother in my 20’s: all-in, 4-5 kids, stay-at-home, etc. Then I didn’t. I explored myself in my 30’s and enjoyed very much being whoever/whatever I found, mostly. Maybe at 46 I finally thought “okay, here I am. This is it.” And then BOOM! Not so fast 🙂
Of course that’s how life works. As soon as you think you might have something figured out, you get a MASSIVE surprise.
Everything is about to change again.
I am about to embark on “the hardest job in the world.”
Yes, I rolled my eyes a little there.
I know, being a mother is hard, I’m sure of it. And maybe it is the hardest job in the world.
But I didn’t want that job. Well, yes, I did want it earlier in my life, but then I decided that I didn’t. Now, I want it again. I do want to be a mother. I think. Yes, I do, but it’s complicated. I’m in the midst of a pretty big pendulum shift and I can’t say I’ve entirely come back around yet. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about that. But mostly, I’m giving myself time to get there, if I get there at all.
Ugh. I know how that sounds too.
But I also know that motherhood doesn’t only look one way. There are as many different ways to be a mother as there are mothers. I’m sure I will find my way. It will probably be different from what I envisioned in my twenties. I’ll be a different mother than my mother. Or my sister. I’ll be me, as a mother.
Whoever that is.