WEARING
Etoile Isabel Marant skirt (on SERIOUS sale at Barney’s – it’s the most fabulous skirt EVER)
Vince Tank top (Yes, Val, it’s worth it!)
Tibi sandals (via Gilt)
Jas M.B. handbag (link goes to the black version)
Lizzie Fortunato necklace
(I set out to write a different post today, based on this post at Privilege, and these two additional posts – here & here – but I got off on a serious tangent and decided to just go with it. I’ll get back to what I intended to write next week, but in general, I was going to address the fact that I wear what is comfortable and practical for my lifestyle. I don’t try to be fashionable, or trendy, or look like every other “fashion” blogger because that is not who I am. I do think style is important, but only insofar as it is a reflection of WHO WE ARE down deep inside. So, again, while my outfits may not be the most stylish, or catapult me to the upper-echelon of fashion blogging, they are definitely me, and I’m pretty sure that’s why you’re here in the first place; for me, not someone else ;))
Everyday I get closer and closer to my 40th birthday – it’s now so close, it’s real – I can feel it. Maybe that sounds like I’m obsessing over it, or thinking about it too much, but I’m really not – at least not in a negative way. I see 40 as an opportunity, a door opening, a chance to move forward and stop focusing on the past. I guess I’m treating it as most people treat New Year’s Resolutions – it’s all in my head, I can make changes anytime I want – but my goal is to treat myself differently from 40-on, and constantly look forward, instead of behind.
At 39, my life isn’t as I expected it would be. I know…whose is? I didn’t really have any set career aspirations that weren’t flexible, or any sort of financial goals, but the one thing I ALWAYS knew I wanted was children. I wanted a large family and I wanted to be a mom. That was the most important thing to me, and I always took for granted that it would happen. Ah…how things change. I know now that I can’t have children the way I wanted to, without making my body do something it clearly doesn’t want to do. Of course, we can adopt, etc., but at this point, I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of not having kids at all (besides the step-son I already have). Still, though, it’s a major “change” – a completely unexpected turn of events – that’s not so easy to just wash my hands of and say “ok…moving on.” I still feel a little jealous and hurt when I learn someone is pregnant. It’s a guttural, knee-jerk, subconscious reaction to a life-event that I will never get to experience, but it is not necessarily what I TRULY feel.
My brain says “I’m okay with not having kids” but my heart still remembers the loss and sadness I felt after my last miscarriage, and the feeling that I would not get to do what is fundamentally in a woman’s nature to do. It’s not easy to let go of something you’ve been conditioned with your whole life – not to mention silencing the dreaded biological clock – but happily, I do feel it slipping away. Having an amazing conversation with a friend who is going through right now something so different than she ever thought she would helped a lot. I heard myself telling her to just go with it, and have fun with the new experience, even though in her head she was constantly struggling with it being SO DIFFERENT. And finally, I was able to see that I needed to do exactly the same thing: enjoy my new experience – the life I have now.
(isn’t it funny how talking to someone who’s also going through a life-changing experience makes you see things more clearly?)
From now until my birthday, I’m going to work very hard to be ready to embrace my life fully, let go of the past, forgive myself for past mistakes and enjoy my everyday experiences. It’s not going to be easy; I am not by nature a very “happy” person because I’m constantly in my head, over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-worrying, but I’m up for the challenge. For heaven’s sake, I’m doing Pure Barre 4 days a week now, if I can handle that amount of torture that often, I can do anything!!
How did you view turning 30? 31? or 40? Was it difficult for you? Did you find hard to come to terms with the life you have vs. the life you though you’d have?
**edited later to add: after I write a very personal post, I always end up thinking a lot about why. It’s not JUST that I love to talk about myself (rolls eyes LOL), but for this subject specifically, it’s because being childless by choice really isn’t discussed much. And that is what I am essentially, I’ve chosen not to spend my life, energy and all my money to try and have children when it doesn’t come “naturally.” I have decided to be happy with my husband, step-son, dog, and niece & nephew. Who knows, in a few years, things may change, and we may decide to adopt, but right now, I’m okay NOT being a mom. And NO ONE talks about that. NO ONE says “that’s ok”…so I am going to say it. It’s okay to not have kids.
I am glad you wrote this post. It is brave. It’s brave to talk about age and goals and how those things shift with the life we have. In my experience, in so many ways the life we want becomes the life we have, even if our definitions of “want” shift depending on the realities of our circumstances, logistics, situation, etc. I am glad you have found peace with the life you have. I am sure it wasn’t easy but it definitely is admirable. xo
And as a slightly less serious aside, I love your casual chic style. I look forward to the upcoming post detailing how it differentiates you from other corners of the blogosphere. I’ve read your blog for years. You have an aesthetic that is consistent and cool and doesn’t completely bend to trends. That consistency and coolness evoke your confidence and your style in ways that trend-chasers couldn’t dream of cultivating. That’s what keeps me coming back here.
thanks jess – and congratulations!! 🙂 i look forward to seeing your evolving style over the next few months. you ALWAYS inspire me with your posts and outfits, and i think of you every time i walk into anthropologie…(which is a good thing!)
it’s funny – even though i said i didn’t really have any solid career aspirations, i kind of did: i wanted to be a college professor and do policy work in government. i was pursuing my master’s degree with every intention of getting a phd and becoming a professor/writing books/work in gov’t when i started Grechen’s Closet. i made the conscious decision to go with that for a while, and i’m glad i did, but i still peruse the front of the economist for my past-life dream jobs doing policy planning, etc. 😉
so my life has changed a lot over the years, and indeed, it is what i’ve shaped it to be, but it’s taken me too long to come to terms with it and just be happy where i am. if it changed this much in 15 years, who knows how much it will change in the next 15? so many exciting opportunities could come along!!
I’m still amazed and so happy that you read my blog:).
But really, you are right, we read because it’s you. I personally think you have exquisite taste. And such a down to earth way of talking. Thank you for sharing how you feel.
lisa, i should read your blog more often, and i’m sorry i haven’t because i really love your writing and point of view! but i did spend quite a bit of time today going through older posts and clicking on links to other blogs; i love the new ones i’ve found to read!
i’m honored you read MY blog 😉
Grechen, it’s funny how I feel like I’m “chatting with” a close friend when I read your blog and write to you, and that’s because you are so approachable on your blog. You make us feel comfortable speaking out loud/in print about our imperfections, regrets, perceived flaws, because you share your SELF with us. I am sorry for what you’ve been going through. I can relate to pregnancy struggles and disappointments (long story, better shared privately sometime). And for me, 35 was a “watershed” year for dealing with aging, my body and what it could/couldn’t do and putting aside old dreams for new ones. I think coming to terms with disappointments and changing goals are what life is all about. I never know what’s around the corner, but I always know it’s going to be a challenge. 🙂 And to be honest, 51 is even better than 40!
Oh, and I can’t believe you remember my comment about “Is it really worth it?”!!! Lol…
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I still can’t believe you’re almost forty as you look so much younger (if you said 30 I’d totally believe it!). A favorite song that I think of often says of the future, when it is too uncertain we feel worried, but when it becomes crystal clear that is fearsome. While we often think of planning and mastering the future we feel a sense of chill when it becomes all too crystal. I suppose we all want a kind of wiggle room or uncertainty that also embodies a potential for something unexpected to carry you towards somewhere you’d never thought of before. An interview of someone I read awhile ago said that she would never want to return to her 20s or 30s, she’s happy with her 40s because she’s come to learn to live and embrace instead of letting a sense of need to be perfect take control of her. I think you cultivated a serene openness to what may come, and it shows in how steady your style has come to be!
You’ll always be a sexy no matter what age,keep rocking the clogs girl.
val, i always remember your comments 🙂
I feel very blessed that the very 1st blogger I started to follow (Yes, it’s true.) was YOU! And you’re still the best!! <3
Thank you for sharing your experience, Grechen! I am 32 years old, and my life is quite different from what i had wished…overall i am happy now with how my life is! however, it is difficult to let go of past dreams and goals, even when you realize they are not for you anymore…sometimes i catch myself thinking about my previous dreams, but then i start to realize than my current life is actually ok and i am happy!
what you say is so true, it is important that you go on with the flow! And appreciate what you have everyday and that it is OK!
Have a nice weekend!
Wow, thanks for being so candid Grechen. Thank god you’re not like every other ‘fashion blogger’ because the world needs FAR LESS of those. You have a true style and honestly that’s why I come back to your blog. That and you are honestly one of the biggest shopaholics I ‘know.’ It’s not easy to find a blogger who reviews products that she bought out of her hard-earned real income, out of sheer interest and not because she got it all for free, or used her trust fund. OK maybe you have a trust fund but I’m assuming you don’t. I’m turning 33 in a month and I’m excited. Professionally and financially my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be, but I’m moving in the right direction, know what I want, and am having fun in the process so really that’s all I could ask for. But I’m sure once it’s all where I want it to be, I’ll find a reason to want something else. That’s how it works right?