Ozma raw silk Cypress Playsuit | medium – here it is on sale in lichen
AND THERE IS A LONGER SLEEVE VERSION FOR FALL!!!!!!
(this is one of my absolute favorite things in my wardrobe. I mostly wear it at home, without a bra)
Yesterday for some reason I became fixated on the idea that I will turn 46 this year (in November). I don’t FEEL like I’m almost 46 or feel like I LOOK almost 46, whatever the hell those things even mean…
I’m excited about 46, 47, 50, etc., and I generally feel great (except this pesky nausea I have now all the time around my period…), but today in Pure Barre my body reminded me that indeed, I am almost 46. I pushed through, but wow, I feel HOT and worn out.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, aside from the fact that my birthday is coming up in a couple months and IF I was going to treat myself to an Elizabeth Suzann Clyde Jacket, what color should I get?? That is the question. (I’m leaning towards clay)
Also, I do want to start a discussion about No One Tells You This, the single, childless, over-40 memoir of Glynnis MacNicol I finished a couple weeks ago. I’ve been thinking about the things we woman of a certain age without children, either married or single, struggle with*, and am looking for an appropriate outlet for talking about them. Here will do, for now. Overall, the book was very enjoyable (nicely written), but for me, difficult to relate to at all; it felt rather Sex And the City-ish at times, and other times very embellished.
Happy Monday!!
*Okay, I will first qualify that I speak for myself only, maybe most women my age without children don’t reflect upon their decision after it’s made. But yes, even though I have come to terms with not having children (that is my “story”), I think sometimes about will I regret this later, being alone as I age (i.e., not surrounded by children and grandchildren as is the perceived “norm”), and I have felt it difficult to make friends as an adult women without children.
I suppose I long for some camaraderie with other women my age without children. I enjoy reading about others’ stories and experiences; it helps me feel less alone in my thoughts.
I’m reading _No One Tells You This_ now, and am definitely pulled in and nodding my head in many places. My love life history is not as glamorous and fraught, but it is speaking to me in many ways!
yes, she did make a lot of points that i appreciated (and wrote down!) and i was very engrossed in the book. it is a good “story” after all 😉
i would love for her to write more actually – more now, after she’s seemed to come to “terms” with everything – if that makes sense. like what is it like for her to live now?
OK, I’m off on vacation tomorrow but will get that book from library when I return. Of course, I’ll probably miss the discussion while I’m gone. Ah well 😉 I don’t tend to read books about why people make the choices they do – I guess I don’t care? Or, I’ve never questioned my choices so I don’t want to read how others have in case I start questioning?
What exactly are “…the things we woman of a certain age without children, either married or single, struggle with,…”?
I’m 54, married, no children, and I don’t find the fact that I’m not a parent a struggle at all. I’m curious what the issues others are facing are.
I haven’t read the book, but I am 52 and have been happily married for 26 years. I knew when I was 14 years old that I never wanted to be a mother. I questioned myself everyday the first 5 years of my marriage as to why I don’t and would I regret it. I know I gave this decision more thought than those who do have children since this is not the norm in our society. After that window closed I was finally at peace and have never had regrets. Fortunately I came from very open-minded parents that embraced my decision and have a husband that wanted me and not my ovaries. The challenge/opportunity is to take that time that would have been spent on kids to grow yourself.
of course i should have spoken for myself only, but i think sometimes about future regret, ageing alone, and finding it difficult to make friends as an adult without having children as “common ground” with other women my age.
perhaps also i shouldn’t use the term “struggle” as i’m not actually struggling physically or emotionally, it is more of a mental struggle to think things through if that makes sense. i am thoughtful, curious, and interested about decisions and consequences and how we work through them both on a daily basis.
You look great! And happy!
I turned 47 last Monday. Like you I don’t really feel 47 or think I look 47 usually. It does feel a little strange being this close to 50. However at my hot yoga class on Sunday I did feel (and look) all 47 of those years! Again, like you, I pushed through.
thanks for your comment/sharing tricia! i do not currently have regrets, but i am always thinking about something, and sometimes I wonder what if…
My story is a little different in that i did always want to have children, i just didn’t, or didn’t think i would be able to, and decided i didn’t want to work so hard at it, i prefered to just move on with my life and live it. (http://grechenscloset.com/married-without-children-my-story/)
happy birthday!! did you wear your mara jumpsuit??
yes, i think that is the “strange” part – just being on the other side of 45?
Nope, wore the plum Marlena dress for the first time! It was rainy and a bit cooler.
The other side of mid-life perhaps? 🙂
oh, right. i forgot THAT was the one you were saving for your birthday.
see?? AGEING…
😉
Hi Gretchen, I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and have never posted a comment but I always enjoy your posts and feel we have a lot in common. I turned 50 earlier this year and am happily married and childless. When I was younger I always thought I would have children but as the years went by I never really felt the ‘need’ to have children; it felt very alien to me and I never felt ready at all. This was compounded by the fact that my husband is disabled and his condition would in all likelihood be passed on to any child we had. In all honesty I have never felt sad about not having any children; my husband and I are a family of two! However, I think what I struggle with is that I feel so alone in a world of parents that surely there must be something wrong with me. I know there are a lot of childless couples out there but sometimes I feel we are the only one, so it’s good to hear your thoughts on it. I am a fairly insecure person so maybe I’m just too swayed by what everyone else is doing with their lives. I am with you Grechen in your worries and concerns as I feel very much the same so it’s good to connect with someone in a similar situation.
Grechen, I love that playsuit on you! Pretty. Looks comfortable. It’s so hot again!
I have kiddos, but struggled mightily with infertility for six-and-half years before my twins were born. (SCIENCE!) Right after I got married and before we were trying, I read Maybe Baby, a collection of essays by people, mostly women, about their feelings about having kids (or not). I read it again not long before we finally succeeded in conceiving our twins. I really loved the frank discussions about social expectations, the reality of parenthood, and opting out of parenting from different angles.
Just in case that appeals! The essays were solicited through Salon and intro by Lori Liebovich. Available on Amazon, though I picked it up from my local library.
Grechen,
I rarely comment but love when you share more of your thoughts, so thought I’d add one insight: I have been very fortunate to have about four different childless adults be an important part of my life growing up and now well into adulthood, about whom I care deeply, and for whom I plan to offer care and love well into their old age. They have influenced me and shown me another path in life — even though I ended up in a pretty hetero-normative marriage with kids after all — that was invaluable as I was coming into myself over the years. Just wanted to add that from the perspective of the person on the receiving end of your not-quite-parental love — like your step-son or niece — you are still having an enormous impact on their lives, and that you are an invaluable person who will be loved deeply. I’m sure you know that and I’m sorry if this sounds really corny, but I feel so strongly that childless adults still have a lot to offer the children around them if they choose to do so, and the children end up very lucky to have those relationships!
I totally agree with Sarah! Even though I have 3 daughter’s, in our very mobile world, I don’t know if I’ll live near them after retirement or not. One is happily married raising 3 kids in Chicago, while another is in a relationship in Colombia, shares a “puppy baby” with her guy, and doesn’t appear to want to re-enter capitalist society anytime soon. And my youngest is in college in NYC and just wants to have kittens! 😉 And as ive recently turned 58, I’m eyeing retirement locations ( The Maine coast is in the lead!), which aren’t necessarily in the same place as our kids. A lot can change, though.
I guess my point is that you never know where you’ll end up, or who will “take care of you” even when you have kids. And I like Sarah’s point about all of the childless adults that were part of her life while growing up. I had a similar experience because my Grandma and her sister & SIL were all widows and even though they all had grown children, my mom was the only one close by, so she did ALL of the care-taking. I got to be a big part of that in that I spent a lot of time with all of them…baking, cleaning, scrubbing floors, watching “Jeopardy,” after-school visits, etc. They took care of me, too. I think we find our community along the way.
Oh, and 58 is awesome. Yes, I creak a little bit more, but I’m happy, I feel more attractive than ever (I’m in that “fine wine” – or cheese – stage where it ages and gets good.) and my husband and I really enjoy our time together and planning vacations. You don’t look 46, and you’re in the best shape of your life! And you rock a jumpsuit – braless!!! Not many 46-yr olds can say that.
I’m turning 43 in November (are you a scorpio too?!) am married and also childless. In my 20s I really thought I wanted children. But, as I worked through my PhD, I began to see watch other women who were further along in their academic careers and realized that the ones with children were just completely, utterly exhausted. I thought about my mother, who was a career Foreign Service officer, how tired she always was, what guilt she felt–either that she wasn’t doing enough as a parent or a professional. I began to realize that “we can have it all” might be true but that the sacrifices might not be ones I wanted to make. By my 30s, I had come to terms with the scope of my ambitions and had realized that I would rather dedicate myself to my craft than to being a mother. My husband went through a parallel journey, eventually deciding that he too did not want to be a parent. The hardest part of the process was telling my parents, especially my mother (my very Jewish mother who desperately wanted to become a grandmother), that I did not plan to have children. I am completely at peace with my decision and don’t regret it. But, I’m often still surprised when I see how uncomfortable my choice can make other people feel. And it is trickier to develop friendships with women my age who have children, because they so often seem to think I’m judging them, although I’m truly not! I cherish my friendships with my other childless friends. Sometimes it feels as if we are building a new family together, one that may outlast husbands or, for that matter, men in general.
I haven’t read the book but I’m a child free woman of 52. I do reflect on growing older, perhaps being ill and what I will do, but I don’t regret not having children at all. And anyway, having children so you have someone to take care of you is a terrible reason in my opinion!
I am married, but we only met and married in our 40s and neither of us had ever wanted children. Most of our friends are equally child free, though I haven’t broached the ‘what about when we’re older’ with anyone except my husband – I think it’s more on my mind because I already have a chronic illness and that obviously makes me more vulnerable to other conditions because of my reduced activity levels.
I certainly don’t want to end up in some awful home so I’m looking at co-housing with others – either a mixed group who want all ages represented or a group of over fifties. I think it will be an enormous adjustment, but I want to retain my freedom and independence as much as possible and I think living in that kind of atmosphere will support that.
I agree with you about Clay for the Clyde jacket!
@Jehanne, your poem Tea is one of my favorites. I taped it to the inside of the cupboard where I keep my tea mugs, so I see it every single day (actually many times every day). Thank you for writing it.
In less than a month I’ll be 43. My husband and I are childfree as well and will not be be having children. I’ve only thought about having kids a few times, but never seriously and I know that I do not want them at all. We have two cats that are more than enough for us to take care of and I don’t care how ridiculous or selfish that sounds. They are our fur babies and even my in-laws get excited when we go on vacation because they love taking care of our cats. They call them the grand-kitties. My parents are also open minded enough to respect our decision.
I think the “who will take care of me when I’m older” argument towards having children is an invalid one these days because not all children decide to take care of their parents. Either due to financial issues or simply because they don’t want to – not all children have a sense of filial piety to take care of their parents – or rather I should say guardians. That being said, I do know of couples who have children and the first words out of their mouths are about how those kids better damn well take care of them when they are old. And I agree that this sort of mentality is not only a bad reason to have kids, but to enforce that ideal on their children is equally wrong.
I also think we are lucky enough now to live in a time where the choice to be childfree is becoming more acceptable. I know of a few other couples in our circle of friends who are childfree and no one dismisses them (or us) for our personal life decisions.
The other day in the office three women were talking about having children. One of them has 5, but only 1 of those five is her biological child. She took on the responsibility to take care of her other relatives’ children in addition to her own. She also was the only one out of the three to tell me I’m smart for not wanting to have kids and knowing what I want. She said it takes more guts to admit that to myself than to be swayed by everyone else’s opinion and do something I might regret. The other two women were bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t having children and said that “smart people need to have children, but they don’t”. The kind woman said, “That’s because being smart is knowing what you want and adhering to that.” I mentioned my cats being like our kids and the two women were immediately dismissive, rolling their eyes and said, “It doesn’t count.” Once again, the kind woman said babies come in all shapes and sizes – and species. Then the other two said that a woman doesn’t know love until she’s had a child. I then said that might be so, but I’d rather take my chances not understanding that level of love versus making a decision I might regret and curse myself for, especially when I know I was never really keen on the idea. In all honesty, I do think anyone is capable of that level of love for someone whether it be a child or not. Those two women did not understand that not all families are biological and that their version of “love” demeans women who wanted children, but couldn’t and had to adopt.
I totally rambled on there longer than I intended to, but overall, I don’t have regrets about not wanting children and I don’t worry about who will take care of me when I’m older. I’m responsible for myself, which means I will take care of my future safety and well-being when I’m too old and feeble.
Jennifer, oh my goodness! Thank you so much for telling me this. <3