Ace & Jig Milo Overalls | large
Everlane cropped cashmere crewneck sweater (many years old) | small
Birkenstock Boston clogs
One of the things I convinced myself of when we decided not to try and have children was that I wouldn’t be able to handle the anxiety. I am a basket case whenever the dog isn’t feeling well; I couldn’t possibly multiply that by a million with a baby and survive it. Turns out I CAN survive it, but not without a little help.
I am medication averse. I don’t take anything for headaches, pain, etc., because I usually prefer to deal with the pain instead of any side effect I might get from medication. I just don’t like taking meds. So it was a big deal that I decided to start taking lexapro for anxiety; I was hesitant to say the least. I even quit after a little while, but then started back up again and have been on it for a month or so now. I can’t take more than 5mg a day though or I will be too tired to function.
I can’t recommend it enough. If you need it. And I knew I needed it. I was having meltdowns with Hawk over something little he wouldn’t do the way I wanted him to, or if he wasn’t listening to me, and I was afraid what would happen. Now, I am very balanced, while still being aware of things that would normally make me start to feel anxious. They just don’t go anywhere, if that makes sense.
Most of those things are little, really, like things not being done “THE RIGHT” (my) way, having to always be the one to clean up after Hawk, emptying the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE TIME. You know.
But also I know that my big anxieties manifest daily as small ones, and if I start to let the small ones take over without addressing them, I will start to feel the BIG ones, and get overwhelmed and end up in a full-on panic attack. Those were happening more and more frequently before I went on the medication…
Years ago I wrote about how having the right thing(s) to wear won’t protect you from the pain of life, but I don’t think I truly grasped what I meant, or the depth of that, until now. My first reaction when I feel anxious is STILL to buy/shop for clothes (armor up), but it has diminished a lot on the lexapro, and for that I am thankful. Taking away the compulsive shopping instinct gives me just enough time to remind myself that nothing (definitely not new clothes) will keep me alive forever, which is my biggest source of anxiety now: that I won’t live to see Hawk become a full, independent person. I mean, honestly, I just don’t want to die – ever; I can’t bear the thought of leaving him, or even being separated from him.
This is probably a very common concern among new mothers, along with all the other ones like is he still breathing? is he going to choke? what if he falls? but for me it really feels like it’s something I SHOULD worry about. I’m 48, and given the way my body reacted to having a baby – all the pain and discomfort – I already feel much older than I am. I still sort of remember how it felt to be so strong I could do things most people can’t. I miss FEELING strong. I don’t like feeling soft.
At last I am feeling a shadow of my former self. I can feel some strength returning after consistently doing two or three tabata rides a week on the Peloton, plus short core workouts. Last Saturday I did say out loud that I am finally starting to feel like my body and I can become “one” again instead of remaining estranged.
I know I will die, that is certain. But until I do, I will live. I will do everything I can to be joyful, peaceful, and strong. And for me, right now, “everything” includes medication.
How are you?
thank you for writing this. for saying this. for admitting a lot of things that are hard about living and mothering and living while mothering. i felt this on a visceral level. i just had my second child in october, and it was wild (a little placenta previa, anyone?!). i still feel strong, but the anxieties and difficulties of the world weigh heavily on me, and i, too, am an anxious shopper. thanks for laying it out there, and for doing what is needed for you to be healthy for yourself and for your kid.
p.s. we have the same birthday and i always thought that was cool!
Thank you for sharing your thought process and your decision-making. Getting the help is worth it. For you and for your family.
Thanks for sharing, Grechen. I thought this was a lovely way of sharing how you’re feeling. I too am a new mother and, while I’m younger than you, have many of the same worries you mentioned. It’s a balm for the soul to know I’m not alone; mothering is hard!
What a lovely article written to totally normalize typical struggles of new moms and truthfully, people in general who understand that best work is done when they are their most lucid selves. The best lesson we can teach our children is that we are all human and imperfect but yet still whole. Mothers who raise children that are not accepting of imperfection and who cannot ask for occasional help are not teaching those children true self-compassion and resilience.
Hi Grechen,
thanks for this. I relate so much — I’m also medication averse, even when it sometimes doesn’t make sense to be so. I probably need something like lexapro but am still in the hesitant camp!! others have said this above, but it’s really refreshing and helpful that you put some of your fears out there for us in this post. we all live with these anxieties to varying degrees and probably don’t share and commiserate about them enough. wishing you many days of feeling strong, centered and peaceful this year <3
I could tell from your posts that you were starting to feel better, and I’m so relieved and happy to hear this! Personally, and because my father was a wonderful M.D., surgeon and healer who always treated his patients in a truly holistic way, I deeply respect both Western and Eastern Medicine. I’ve never understood those who limit themselves to only one curative approach, when both have so very much to offer, especially when used in conjunction. After all “natural” efforts failed to heal me during two very serious bouts of clinical depression over my lifetime, I am beyond grateful for the brilliant intervention of neuropsychiatric drugs that saved my life. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom in using good medicine.
So glad you are feeling better. Thank you for sharing your experience on Lexapro. I’ve seen this medication help so many people. It has an excellent track record for safety and efficacy. All the best to you!
I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. That’s the best possible way to be a good mother, now and in the future.
so hard!! but it always feels a little easier to know you’re not alone 🙂
thank you juli! you’re right, it’s not just helpful for new moms, but i keep wondering if i would have started taking the medication if not for hawk? like, would i do it for “myself”? i hope so, but knowing me, i probably would have continued to suffer 🙁
honestly, i probably wouldn’t have started medication if not for hawk; i’m so averse. but i knew i needed to do it for him, and obviously for me too, but sadly, thinking of him is more motivation for me? if that makes sense. i hate to say that, because i believe it has helped me a lot, and i have benefitted from it aside from just being able to be a “better” mom to hawk.
anyway, all that is to say that i totally understand your aversion, but knowing how i feel now vs how i felt then, i 100% recommend it for anyone who thinks they need just a bit of help, mom or not…
thank you so much for that holly. i will admit that i get very (too) bogged down in my belief that food is medicine, and think that i can achieve a lot more than i can with appropriate food choices, exercise and sleep. but you’re right, a balance between western and easter ideas is so important and i’m glad i’ve found it. finally 🙂
thank you so much michelle – i hope you are well, and belated congratulations!!!! 🙂
I’m really glad that you’ve found relief on Lexapro. Making the decision to go on anti-depressants isn’t easy, but it’s sometimes necessary. Keep on feeling better, dear Grechen!
Thanks for sharing this Grechen and I’m glad you’re feeling better. Mothering is hard and I think it ages all of us exponentially (I also feel much older after having Emi even though I know I’m younger than you). Also good on you for starting back on the exercising! You’re inspiring me to do the same 🙂
I also take an SSRI for anxiety and my life is so much better because of it. I’ve had anxiety my whole life but didn’t really get serious about getting help for it until I was in my late 30s. Everything is easier when I’m not seeing the world through a veil of anxiety. Sending you all the best, Grechen, and I’m so glad you’ve found relief!
xoxo