Rag & Bone/JEAN Maya jeans | size 31
(I got these two or three months postpartum – they barely fit)
Charley Harper print tee
Misha & Puff popcorn cardigan | m/l
Birkenstock Boston clogs
Well, I seem to have fallen off a bit haven’t I…
I can’t explain it; it’s a lot of things and nothing at the same time. I am so grateful that I’m feeling better (I think my plantar fasciitis might even be gone) and have everything I need, but I feel lacking at the same time. It’s just a superficial feeling, and it is based only on expectations, my drastic shift from having my own income to having not much of an income at all, and then it is all exacerbated by social media, on which I was spending too much time since posting Hawk’s meals the previous week.
I am absolutely not lacking for anything, but given my drop in income I am in the position of having to think in a different way about what I spend money on (I absolutely acknowledge my privilege). And slowre being closed means I don’t have an “easy” market for selling things I may buy and don’t like when they arrive, or don’t fit and are final sale, etc. Another wrinkle.
So, even though I have done A LOT of stress shopping this week, I haven’t bought anything. I am bored with my clothes, bored of not being excited about getting dressed, bored of STAYING AT HOME all the time and not even having a reason to get dressed, and frankly, bored that I haven’t had anything new for a while (a month maybe?).
Ridiculous, I know. I am ashamed that I am feeling this way while others are worried about having food and shelter, and even about being healthy. My sister had a health emergency this week, and that is what sent me on this spiral in the first place. When I am faced with uncertainty and something I can do absolutely nothing about, my first inclination is to shop/buy clothes so at least I can look/feel good while I am flailing about helplessly. Haha. It is that, but buying something I want is also a way to exert a measure of control; I cannot buy my sister’s good health, or purchase peace, but I can definitely buy a new jumpsuit…I can at least do that.
For the first time in my life, though, I am doing the responsible, healthy thing and sitting with these feelings of uncertainty instead of trying to cover them up by buying things. It is very uncomfortable and all I’m able to do lately is take care of and play with Hawk, and go to bed soon after he goes to bed. I am taking care, if anything.
We are also officially going to begin looking for a house in the northern suburbs of Atlanta close to my mom and sister on March 1. I think that is also causing some anxiety/stress that I’m not acknowledging LOL. Oh boy.
How are you?