I used to always want new things. I LOVED new things. I had new things all the time. I bought new things, and I had to wear them immediately. I looked forward to the next day when I could wear or carry my new thing, as if everything would suddenly be different – better.
And there it is. The allure of acquiring something new, wearing something for the first time: newness represents some change – a transformation – however small. Wearing something new says, “okay, I’m ready, let’s start fresh.” Having new things is a way to quietly begin again with something “pristine,” something not yet touched by life. To start over.
Having new things is a way to quietly begin again with something “pristine,” something not yet touched by life. To start over.
If you’re adding new things to your wardrobe as often as I was, you’re “transforming” yourself every couple of days. And in so doing, continuing to hide from and cover up the pain you feel inside, or the feelings that you’re not good enough. Which is exhausting, frankly, and not sustainable. I was tired.
The new things are armor. You view your clothing as armor, meant to protect you from the “slings and arrows” life inevitably throws your way.
But. Clothing is not armor, and nothing, not even all the new things will shield you from the ups and downs of life.
I found that out when I had all the new things all the time, and I was still struggling with not feeling “good enough” or that I deserved what I had. I still felt sad after the loss of my beloved Ozzie. OF course I did – new things won’t make that go away.
When I finally reached the point of complete frustration and suffocation under the weight of all my stuff and made a promise to myself to face my reality, to come to terms with the things I was struggling with, both in my closet and in my life, I slowly started to feel more free. I started to purge things from my closet I didn’t need, didn’t want, and vowed to shop more consciously.
Now, about a year into my “minimal closet” journey, I’ve noticed that I’m much more excited about wearing what I have. As we’re transitioning from winter to spring, I am looking forward to wearing things I haven’t been able to the last few months: my long black Oak dress, my harem pants, sandals…just a t-shirt…I found myself not wanting to buy much this spring because I was already happy with what I had in my wardrobe that was waiting to be worn.
Is this a sign of maturity? Satisfaction? Happiness? Growth?
In a way, now that the seasons have changed, I am wearing “new” things. New from a week ago. Not new to me, though; I “shopped” my closet instead of the stores this season. I did add a few completely new things, two chambray shirts, a long cardigan, wedges and slides, but they were totally new styles for me, something that I didn’t already have in my wardrobe, not duplicates or similar things.
And instead of wearing all the new things, all the time, as I have done in the past (as a shield, and to the point of exhaustion), I’m learning to cycle them into my wardrobe. Also bringing in much older things like my Repetto flats, jeans I’ve had forever.
I understand what it is about “new” now. I haven’t conquered it my desire for new, by any means; I still get a thrill when I’m getting a package. It is human nature, I think, to love new. But I know I was out of control. And I was using “new” to self-medicate. To cover up. To forget.
Now, new is nice, but not necessary. New is fun, but not everything. I don’t need new. Sometimes I don’t even want new; old is even better.
My old clothes have history, meaning – have proven their worth.
What is your relationship with new? Do you use it like I did? Or do you have a healthy relationship with acquiring new things?
See The Minimal Closet in the WSJ! Then read more in The Minimal Closet series:
Hi Grechen. I’ve just had that scary “she’s writing about me, how does she know???” I also had when reading shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella. Haha. I’ve been reading minimal blogs for just over a year & I’ve never bought so much! If I’m going to live with less & curate the perfect wardrobe/life everything has to be perfect. Last week while reading Joshua Beckers simplify book I ordered 3 sets of clarins (free gift & p&p) & some Steve Madden tan wedges (only 5 remaining). Sometimes I have frugal blogs open on my iPad when I return with many bags. Oh the shame haha
I am the way you were. I am addicted to new as if it will somehow make me feel better about myself. But, of course, every new thing I get is great…for a few days and then I find the flaw with it and will not feel comfortable wearing it. I keep searching for that perfect thing which does not exist. New is not improving my life, making me feel accepted or loved. It is stressing me out!! Thank you for such a timely post. I am going to have to delve deeply to get at the root of all this accumulation. I am glad that you are farther along on the journey. I hope to get there someday.
haha! i just write about my struggles…hoping they’ll reach someone who’s going through the same thing so we can commiserate 🙂
all i know, is that it’s a process. a hard, emotional process, to come to terms with WHY those of us who overshop do it. what are we trying to fix? what are we trying to hide? it’s only that self-discovery and the work that comes after it that will allow you to finally heal.
you make an interesting point about minimal blog though – i think honestly most of them make you want to shop MORE, rather than less, because many discuss “perfection” – having the perfect wardrobe, etc., etc., – which is absolutely un-attainable. it’s not about perfect, it’s about gratitude, and loving what you have.
baby steps lori! getting to the root of it is half the battle…then you have to do the work to get yourself where you want to be, but for me, that was easier than admitting to myself that i needed to change – that i was completely unaware of how much i was shopping & buying and WHY.
It’s amazing how little one can live with, happily. And surprising to me too, now in retirement, is how a $65 jacket from UNIQLO can bring as much delight as an Ètoile Isabel Marant one for far more. I am not and will never be “minimalist.” But I believe one can be satisfied with sparse, and it’s a nice counterpoint to abundant.
Lisa´s last blog post ..What If Stacy And Clinton Came Back, Took Your Clothes, And Gave You $5000?
Those first two paragraphs – I know exactly what you mean! I’m not sure if I loved shopping for new things out of a need for Comfort (I tend to resort to comfort eating) but this post is definitely food for thought. I also think that Sharon Wright makes a good point about minimalist blogs making us want to shop more. I’ll have to make some purchases for spring, but I will shop with a purpose and thoroughly consider every item.
Karianne´s last blog post ..Assessing My Lifestyle
Gretchen– I can’t tell you how much this post spoke to me. I have been working on my capsule wardrobe and shopping my closet and being mindful and at the heart of it all, I realized that sometimes I really do like something new! I am trying very hard to learn, however, that I like it better when it fits with a thoughtfully curated plan of colors that all work together and pieces that truly bring me joy. Definitely a work in progress but I love reading your thoughts and how you progress. Thanks so much, Beth
Some times new is just plain fun. I think it’s a question of loving the new for good reasons, and working with that love in a healthy way.
Lisa´s last blog post ..What If Stacy And Clinton Came Back, Took Your Clothes, And Gave You $5000?
yes. this is absolutely true, lisa. new is fun…for the right reasons!
i’m sorry…i didn’t read your comment at first, because i rushed over to read your post 🙂 LOVE IT!!
and now that i’m back – it is amazing at how little one can live with. i never would have thought….
oh yes…i do that with food also. i’m a HUGE emotional eater. i just now took off the almost 10 pounds i gained the beginning of the year.
i think you’re well on your way karianne – your blog is such a great tool, also, because it keeps you accountable, and it’s a place to write your thoughts. that ALWAYS helps me.
I love new things, mostly because I just get bored of the old things or my fav white top gets dingy etc.
I love to shop even if it’s just window shopping 🙂
Monica.
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You’ve had me thinking for quite some time about the emotional structure of my love of new things. And, as I start to pull out of some of my deeply ingrained habits, it is like awakening from a dream. I can hardly give an account for myself over the last few years. I judge myself harshly for the amount of time and money that I now wish I could get back and use for other efforts. My battle now is learning how to accept that I can only start from where I find myself today…financially, emotionally, organizationally. I am still sad. I still want beauty to be a part of my life. But I am opening myself up to seeing beauty in other things though, like an organized closet!
I am one of those tortured souls who buys new things, and am shy about wearing them. I have at least four pair of shoes in my closet that I have never worn, all bought over a year ago! At least you are buying and using your items! I am trying to shop my own closet, and am truly enjoying wearing some of my things instead of “saving” them…which is likely my way of trying to take a stand against impermanence.
I have come around to appreciate the “old” more in the last year…I’ve found that I am taking longer to start wearing new acquisitions, versus wearing everything new all at once like I used to. I like feeling that my clothes have acquired a bit of “patina.”
In terms of “minimal” blogs, here’s one on the more extreme end…10 clothing items! And she lives in Paris.
http://www.paris-to-go.com/
Maybe a little more extreme, but interesting to read.
I just wanted to let Christina know that you are not alone in having things that are unworn in your closet. I am taking a huge amount of things to the re-sale store this weekend and there are things in the pile that were never (or hardly) worn. I read the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (after Gretchen reviewed it) and got comfortable thanking the items for the lessons they are teaching me and saying goodbye. A huge waste of money but all we can do is move forward!
Wow, I do the same thing Christina. I buy these lovely new things and then I am afraid to wear them!
Grechen, thanks for being so honest and transparent with us. I find this a difficult post to read and respond to, one, because I’m coming to terms with being a “shopaholic,” and two, because I’ve had people I love use that knowledge like a weapon against me. Thankfully, my husband is my biggest support and hero!
I had a therapist who told me “Studies have been done that show that the area of the brain that ‘lights-up’ when exposed to heroin is the same area that is stimulated by shopping purchases.” I found that shocking! I don’t know why, when I can see that it’s true for me. The trouble is, “new” only lasts as long as it takes for UPS to drop off the package and for me to open it. Then, often regret sets in, followed by guilt.
I’m getting a handle on it, and not letting it control me. It’s day by day, and I’m not there yet, but getting stronger all the time.
Amen to that!
You speak for me, as well, Christina. You’re not alone!