Well, I finally found out what has been bothering me these last several weeks.
Take a moment, catch your breath. It took me a while to wrap my head around that.
Today, I am 8 weeks. I’ve had an ultrasound and saw the fetus and the heartbeat, I have another on Monday. I am taking a low dose of progesterone to get the levels up a little bit. My doctor is optimistic, in spite of my advanced age (46).
I’m pretty fertile, but my body doesn’t hold on to pregnancies. With my last (third) pregnancy with my ex-husband, more than 15 years ago, I went to get an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I don’t remember how far along I was, but I think it was 4-6 weeks.
My history and thoughts on deciding NOT to have children are in this article, if you’re new here, or just need a refresher. But yes, my husband I decided many ago not to try and have kids, and while it was a complicated decision, I reached the point that I was happy with it; ready to move on with life child-free.
Now, I am happy with this. I won’t say my feelings weren’t also complicated, and that I didn’t have conflicting emotions in the beginning. Of course I was shocked, a little upset (we had plans for our child-free life), scared, anxious, scared, scared, and more scared. But I never thought seriously about not proceeding through the pregnancy, which was honestly, a little surprising to me.
Who am I to argue with this (last?) chance? I also knew I would regret it if I didn’t try and see this through. I am healthier now than I was in my late 20’s and 30’s, so perhaps that will mitigate some of my already-high risk?
Of course, I will talk a lot more about this, but this is my “diagnosis,” if you were wondering – I am not perimenopausal, as I thought. I do not have a thyroid problem. I was having debilitating “morning” sickness all day long and was drained by growing a human.
I’m still queasy most of the day, but I’ve found that eating a little every couple of hours helps. Nothing is appetizing at all, but I make myself eat anyway. I have gone to Pure Barre a couple times a week still and my doctor assures me I don’t have to change much of anything diet/exercise-related anyway. I am taking a prenatal vitamin. I spend half the day in the bathroom and the other half sleeping.
I am beyond grateful to be in the position that I can rest and pretty much do as I please when I need to; I know how rare and lucky that is.
I am taking this all in stride; one day at a time, because literally that’s all there is*. I know anything can happen anytime – I am realistic and grounded. But cautiously happy. And just a little afraid.
Happy Friday!!! I hope you all had a merry christmas if you celebrate and are looking forward to the adventures that 2019 might bring 🙂
*I know “convention” holds that you don’t reveal a pregnancy until the second trimester, but 1. I am not superstitious , and 2. I feel like if we talked about early pregnancy more with each other, pregnancy loss wouldn’t be such the solitary and debilitating experience it is.