(apropos of nothing, just a photo from my walk this AM in Salt Lake City…)
I seem to have become much more anxious as I get older. I don’t remember being so worried all the time ten years ago, but I suppose it comes with the territory.
I definitely worry about “normal” things, things that other people could probably relate to, but then, my biggest pre-occupation is something I wonder if anyone else “gets:” I am constantly worried about being appropriately attired, mostly for the weather, but also for whatever situation I’m going to be in. I want to be warm and comfortable, above all, and look and feel like myself. No simple task as it turns out.
My level of anxiety surrounding my clothing/accessories really hit home for me after a nightmare I had last week about a potential zombie apocalypse, but that was REALLY about my trip this week to Salt Lake City.
I jolted awake at 3 AM Saturday frightened out of my mind and feeling like I was still in the middle of the Walking Dead. (the early days though – more like Fear the Walking Dead…) But I wasn’t anxious about the zombies, per se, I was anxious and angry at myself that I did not have an “appropriate” backpack to hold everything I thought I needed to survive – or at least to go out in the world.
I needed a large, but comfortable, sturdy backpack with lots of zippers and pockets, to hold all of the water I’d need, and lip balm. Lots and lots of lip balm. Maybe some weapons of some sort, and probably some clothes. All of that was really beside the point though, since I was frustrated specifically at myself that I wasn’t prepared for such a situation.
Which leads me to my Salt Lake City trip.
I look at the weather multiple times a day to be sure I won’t be too cold, or hot wherever I’m going or for whatever I’m doing. Of course I checked the forecast for SLC last week and it was supposed to be really nice and warm for a couple of days, rainy one day and then snowy and very cold our last day. I started to feel anxiety about what I would wear/bring for the trip, and since I always travel with only a carry on, had to be very limited and smart about packing.
Luck would have it that REI was doing their member discount last weekend, and I knew I could turn to Patagonia for a packable jacket for the trip. I went on Friday and tried on the nano-puff jacket (I didn’t want down) and liked it well enough, AND it was going to be my birthday present from my mother, so only a temporary outlay of cash from my end, but I didn’t get it.
Why not? Because I decided a week or so ago that I was putting my wardrobe on hold – nothing in, nothing out for the foreseeable future; I am incredibly happy with my wardrobe as-is. I DO NOT WANT TO ADD ANYTHING NEW. And I tried to convince myself that I would be fine in 40 degrees with my Icebreaker wool jacket and cashmere sweater on top, or vice versa, and I didn’t need to bring anything else. But I knew I wouldn’t be okay with that, who was I kidding. I’m desperately afraid to be cold – I get anxious just thinking about it.
Then I had the nightmare on Friday night and immediately knew it was about the Patagonia jacket, about being prepared for whatever situation I could find myself in, and that I should just go back and get it.
I did, and felt nauseous for the whole process; I couldn’t get in or out of there fast enough. I was upset at myself that I “gave in” to my anxiety, frustrated at the initial (albeit temporary) outlay of cash on my part, and disappointed that I was already breaking my wardrobe statis.
I know I’ll be happy I have it tomorrow and Thursday, and of course I’ll wear it frequently during the colder months at home and for traveling; it’s a wonderful, lightweight jacket that folds up small into itself. I’ll use it for many many years.
This is partially what I meant a long time ago when I wrote about wanting to create my “perfect” wardrobe and then be finished. I want to know that I have everything I need for nearly any situation I can think of, so that I don’t have to “worry ” so much about what I’m going to wear or pack. I do know now, however, that there is no such thing as the “perfect” wardrobe when life changes so much day to day, year to year.
But for right now, and the near future, I have achieved with my wardrobe what I have always wanted, what else could I possibly need?? And that is why I decided to put my wardrobe on hold for a while. Of course, I know I don’t want to do that forever, and who am I kidding, at some point I’m sure I’ll figure out something else I NEED to add for one reason or another, but for right now, I know I need nothing.
But back to the story. And my anxiety.
I know I won’t always be able to deal with my anxiety by buying something new. In fact, I’m sort of disappointed in myself that I did that this time. I tried to convince myself that I would probably survive if I didn’t have the Patagonia jacket, and yes, I might be cold, but I’ve been cold before, and I survived. I almost got to the point that I was excited to try it; to try NOT buying the jacket and pushing myself to discover what would happen without it – it would be an adventure! Then, the nightmare, and I became too scared NOT to buy it. Now that I am here, in Salt Lake City, I am confident I did the right thing, and am feeling calm and secure.
So, I don’t know what the moral to this story is, or the conclusion, but I knew I needed to tell it. Of course, some of you will read this and think me completely ridiculous. And some of you will relate. Ultimately, it has helped me to understand myself better, and that is always a good thing.
The root is, of course, that I am still dealing with “good enough” or “strong enough” issues (I am not “strong” enough to deal with being cold, or uncomfortable, or inappropriately dressed…), but in the meantime, I must try to be a little less hard on myself, and if I can use a generous birthday offer from my mother to alleviate some stress and anxiety in my life, why shouldn’t I?
The end 🙂
Grechen, I can definitely relate to both the obsession with being prepared (my version of your anxiety) and the zombie nightmare! You’re not alone.
The above reasons are what drive me to keep searching for the “perfect” pieces, too. I don’t want to have to think about buying for my upcoming trip to New Zealand — I already want to have a slouchy pair of travel jeans that work just as well with hiking boots as they do with leather flats, and on and on. But the ultimate question I have is this: once I get to that point, where all my “needs” are met, what will keep me from wanting more?
I think it’s normal Gretchen. Many of us (including me) get anxious when we travel or prepare to travel. I do also try to be self aware of it as I can purchase way too much as I quell that anxiety in an attempt to feel prepared. When you think about it, you will be literally out of your element when you travel.
That said, those packable no down puffers are soooo useful so IMO don’t feel bad about it at all. I have the North Face version with the same look (thermoball). Good on the plane, as a mid layer under a heavier coat and as your main outerwear in moderately chilly weather. Also drys quickly. Hands down the best travel gear.
But I know what you mean, I have the same internal debates myself.
I can definitely relate, and I notice that most of my impulsive shopping comes at times when I’m feeling anxious or insecure with who I am. I haven’t mastered that and still slip up from time to time, but when once I notice myself feeling that way, I take a step back and think — big picture — what is it that I actually NEED right now? The clothing is a temporary fix or even a distraction from the bigger issue, which is that I need to practice being comfortable with who I am, good days and bad days (Mindfulness has helped me a lot with this). I’m a therapist so I like thinking about that stuff and I realize that it might be deeper than other people might be thinking about it, but I do think it helps me find ways to experience my life in more fulfilling ways, instead of running back to clothing to distract me from my own anxiety or fear of my own emotions.
I have learned to look at my “mood/feelings” in a non-judgmental way and recognize them for what they are: valid and transitory. Trying to reframe your thoughts can help also. You appear to be a master planner and are thoughtful about packing when traveling. That’s a great way to be! I’m sure you are rarely without an important piece {versus those who throw their closet into an oversized suitcase last minute} and you should congratulate yourself for having those abilities. So what if they may be a little anxiety-driven. It doesn’t matter how things get started, its that they get completed in the end.
I can so relate to this! I too fear being to cold. But also not looking smart enough.. But being to cold is my biggest fear, because I know it messes with my mood and my body and my entire day…
I feel such relief (although also very sorry for your anxious feelings!) to read this because I worry about almost the exact same things. I’ve been dealing with an embarrassing round of over shopping lately motivated by exactly this fear – that I won’t have what I need to be appropriately dressed for a given situation (or to be warm enough!) Amazingly, ironically – the one thing I haven’t caved in on yet? That same Patagonia jacket (but only because I have an old down version of it… that was given to me by my mother! And the only thing wrong with it is that it’s a color I’d never pick.) Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I find the more I recognize this pattern in myself the more I am t least able to make better decisions about what I will need – but what I really really want is that wardrobe that covers all functions and no longer needs to be thought about!
Dear Grechen,
Even though it’s not about being cold or unprepared, I definitely experience profound anxiety. I believe we all do at times. Just be kind to yourself. You’re such a good person. How lovely that a gift from your mother could help assuage your worries about being left out in the cold and unprepared. Just try your best to enjoy your warm, cozy jacket in the best of health.
I feel you friend! I have a lot of comfort anxiety as well, mostly around my shoes, my thighs (I’ve gotten horrible rashes from chub rub in the past), and not being too warm. It sometimes paralyzes me around the simplest outings. My fear is that I’ll dress appropriately for something (dinner somewhere fancy with my girls) then a surprise activity will get tacked on (walking around the Domain!) and then I won’t be comfortable. I don’t have a solution, but I hope you know you definitely aren’t alone!
I really relate to this! I’m no therapist, and I haven’t even *been* to that many, but one of the things that I think is helpful to remember is that we’re programmed to worry in just this way. Of course you want to be prepared, that instinct is the one that would’ve seen you through many a hard winter in times past, stock-piling food, planting gardens, etc. (My husband is an historian, hehe). Anyway, I think this is just the modern version of that. In our lives today in the US, many of us (thankfully) don’t have to worry about where we’ll get our next meal, or broadly how we’ll keep warm for the winter. We are so lucky! But that impulse to prepare is still there. And honestly, I’ve noticed it manifesting in myself–mostly about clothes–when pretty much everything in my life is really stable. I have time to worry about those smaller details when I’m not, you know, getting divorced or moving across the country a million times. Both of which have happened to me. And during those times my obsessiveness about my clothes went waaaaay down. So I think your worry is actually an indication that your life is pretty okay at the moment!
oh julia!!! this makes such wonderful sense, actually. and it helps me to understand a little bit better – and not be so hard on myself/feel so guilty. i am so thankful that all in my life is going so well…