(print by Casey Stippick – birthday present from Leo)
Today I’ve written three different posts and erased them all. After all these years, I started second-guessing what and how much I should share; I’m feeling the blow-back of making myself vulnerable , being honest, and documenting my life online lately, and I struggle with how to deal with it.
(haha…I mean…what do I NOT struggle with??)
But sharing my struggles here – all of them, but especially those relating to my wardrobe, shopping, and what I wear – with you, is what I do. It’s what I must do.
I wondered though, if it’s worth it. I’ve decided that, yes, it is, because even with some negativity, when I hear from one person who struggles like I do, I feel less alone, like I can continue forward, reinforced. I also learn from the negativity , as much as I also don’t think it’s really necessary; I do fine without it. Certain comments can send me into a tailspin, even as I try hard not to give any credence to them. But then I come back stronger, with more resolve. Sometimes it takes days, and a lot of work, other times it’s easier.
My resolution now, is simply that I don’t have time for that anymore. And that I will continue to share here what I need to share, and what I think adds value – what can be helpful in some small way (to you AND to me) – without apology.
I don’t have time to worry about how many black dresses I have, and/or if it’s “too many”, nor will I apologize for them
I don’t have time to worry about how many black dresses anyone else has…
I don’t have time to worry about how I might be perceived buying eggs at Costco wearing harem pants, nor will I apologize for what I’m wearing, or FEEL like I should apologize
I don’t have time to not call someone I’ve been thinking about
I don’t have time to worry about “what if”
I don’t have time to devote to what I “should” be doing or feeling or wearing
The only time I have is now, right this second. And it is SO precious, more precious than I’ve been treating it lately. My time is too valuable to be spending it in the past, or in the future. I must try and spend more time in the present. Now. Now, here, I’m occupied. Now, I’m looking outside at the sun, or in plank at Pure Barre, or searching for ankle boots to post about, working on a wardrobe for a client, walking Dagny in the rain.
But that’s the problem with us anxious-types; we spend all of our time in the past or the future. Worry worry worry, as if that will solve anything and everything. Of course it’s not conscious a lot of the time – it just sneaks up on us. Often I’ll be able to counter it with some deep-breathing and meditation, but just as often not, and I just have to ride out the downward spiral.
Yes, I would like to spend a little less time WORRYING about everything, specifically clothing/style, while still being able to THINK about those things; I still believe what we wear is important. Our clothes and how we look/feel in them are the means through which we present ourselves to the world – to strangers. You better believe I’m wearing a black James Perse dress to my birthday dinner tonight (this one) because I know I look great in it, but more than that, I feel so completely me in it. How else would I want to feel?
This, my 44th year, I intend to make one in which I take more ownership of my decisions and stop second-guessing them – the thing I do as a result of what someone else (anyone else) says. I will not judge myself, nor allow anyone else to judge me.
I’ve just got to keep doing my thing with integrity and move on. Now.
*I’ve turned off comments for this post. Please don’t hesitate to email me if you have something to say! grechen-at-grechenreiter.com
