Now:
James Perse tube dress | a million years old, no, maybe just 8-9 😉 – I don’t wear this dress anymore except to the pool/beach, because it’s quite big on me, but I wanted to try and contrast it with the picture below!
Antik Batik necklace | from Forzieri, sold out, other colors available
Rachel Comey moon wedges | low version
Then (wearing the same JP dress if you couldn’t tell!)
Today I’ve been doing Pure Barre for three years. I started it after reading a comment on the post above, and after having felt like I reached a limit with my body. I was treating it badly, I didn’t feel good, and I had gained so much weight, after losing it the year before, incidentally. I discovered that there was a Pure Barre studio very close to me, and decided that I was going to just go. I purchased the one month unlimited class option for $100 without having taken even ONE class, with the intention to try it for a month and then decide if I wanted to continue.
And the rest is history.
I have said before that Pure Barre changed my life, but it’s not that simple. It’s hard to explain. Yesterday after I finished class and was cleaning my equipment I looked at myself, just fleetingly, in the mirror and felt tears come to my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
I look very different. Pure Barre has definitely changed my body; I am stronger, and leaner than I ever have been. I feel different also – I can do things I wouldn’t have thought possible when I first started. I feel strong, and sturdy, flexible and lithe. I’m very proud of that, and know what I’ve achieved.
as a chronic weight-loser, I finally understand that the insecurities I felt when I was heavy, they’re still there
But the truth is, inside, I am not a whole lot different. I lost weight, yes, I’m slimmer than I have been since high school. I look and feel better than I did twenty years ago. I’ve toned up, a lot. But as a chronic weight-loser, I finally understand that the insecurities I felt when I was heavy, they’re still there. They don’t go away just because I lost weight. Because they’re not about the weight. They’re about me. They’re part of me. Putting on weight was just a symptom of a larger ‘issue” or problem. The problem of not feeling good enough.
I’m happy with the way I look, when I can really appreciate it. I’m even happier with the way I feel, physically. And I wouldn’t want to go back to being heavier. But now I realize that losing weight or having reached a healthy weight isn’t the magic bullet that will take away the pain of not fitting in, or not FEELING like I fit in. It won’t free me from the debilitating feeling I get sometimes when I don’t feel good enough to even leave the house.
Thankfully those moments are few and far between lately, and I’m sure that has more to do with how physically healthy, strong and comfortable I feel in my body, than how I look. I do appreciate finally being able to wear the clothes I’ve always wanted to wear, and look sort of like I want to look in them. But, inside, sometimes, I feel like I’m still the heaviest person in class.
But, inside, sometimes, I feel like I’m still the heaviest person in class.
That’s the thing: whether I was or not, I have no idea, but I always FELT like I was. In every stage of my life, elementary school through college, I saw myself as the heaviest, ugliest person in class. And even now, sometimes I look around in Pure Barre and feel like I am STILL the heaviest person in class. Even though I’m not, and even though it DOESN’T matter, really. It just feels like it does.
That is my struggle, my cross to bear. I don’t know why, although I can think of a few things people said to me when I was quite young that shaped my feelings with regard to my body and self-worth. It doesn’t matter now though, because as I have also learned acutely over the last several years, life is a journey, not a destination. All I can do is the best, most “right” thing, NOW, and keep trying to make better decisions each moment.
Finally, that’s what it’s all about; making the right decisions. I started Pure Barre with a decision, after having made SO MANY bad decisions with regard to my health and my body. Now it’s a habit, an almost-daily practice for me, something I cannot do without. It is one way I set myself up for success each day.
It is one way I set myself up for success each day.
But it is just a stepping stone, as all things are. I realize now that Pure Barre hasn’t changed my life in the way I wanted it to (it is not the panacea, the final fix), but it has shown me what I CAN do, and it has firmly set me up on the right path. The path that includes the hardest work of all: convincing myself that I AM good enough, feeling it every day.
Onward and Upward! I’m going to start by lifting, toning and burning in about 45 minutes at Pure Barre 😉
Previous Pure Barre posts:
5 Things I learned about life after 500 Pure Barre Classes
What I Wear for Pure Barre
My Pure Barre Story
You look FANTASTIC!!!
Wow!! Congratulations!! What an accomplishment; you look fantastic!! I’m approaching one year of barre and feel like I’m looking in the mirror while reading your post. It was so perfect for me today. What an inspiration you are (I started barre last June after reading a prior entry of yours!). I feel the same in that the insecurities will always be there, but it’s a lot easier to make them shut up these days, like when you happen to glance at yourself in the mirror during class…
Love that dress on you and I hope you are celebrating!!
Amazing! I’m very inspired by you. You just caused me to go look up Pure Barre in the area. Unfortunately, I haven’t found anything yet but am determined to. Your blog is the only one I read daily and really enjoy. I’m a stay-at-home mom and often feel frumpy but your blog inspires me to not let myself go and stay true to my style. 🙂
It just takes more practice to address the insecurities that are still there. Think of all the years we’ve all spent creating the bad habits of hating our bodies and feeling not good enough, it will take some time to un-learn those and learn new better habits. And you’re well on the way to that!
Patience and kindness. For ourselves and for others. (At least that’s what I keep telling myself, not that I practice it as I should.)
I saw this picture as I was scrolling through Facebook and was shocked to see you showing so much skin (for you, not that it’s actually a lot of skin), but you look fantastic! As with anything else, I think that recognizing your strengths and shortcomings is key to making improvements. Congratulations on getting to where you are today!
haha. i know! i feel like i should explain the dress though, i’m only wearing it because it was what I was wearing when i posted about starting pure barre three years ago. i don’t wear it much anymore, except around the house and to the pool/beach, because it’s quite large on me on the bottom. but i wanted to try and show how much has changed…
Just the fact that you were confident enough to post the photo is significant!
I agree – I was shocked – I think this is the first time I’ve seen your arms, shoulders, and knees in the same photo 🙂 Of course you look fabulous. And I’m so glad that you feel fabulous and are working on the inner issues and not just the “lose weight/look good in clothes” issues!
lol – and maybe the last!! honestly, i love my arms/shoulders lately, they just look so strong…i’m happier baring them than my legs mostly 😉
it’s true – weight has to do with a deeper issue. i’m realizing that more. and even though i’m skinnier than most people, i also have insecurities and don’t feel quite comfortable in my own body. and it doesn’t go away no matter what size a person is.
anyway, i just came to say that you look AMAZING. your arms are like whoa.
yes. in a way, that IS how pure barre has changed my life i guess – it taught me that i will always have my “issues” – until i confront them head-on. they won’t go away just because i change my outside…
thank you 🙂
You look beautiful, and strong and sexy in this outfit. You have a lot of self-awareness and the way you put it is something I relate to so much – sometimes the thing, the seeming issue, is not the issue at all. You look fantastic physically, and like you always have – but each of us carries things within ourselves that we feel are visible to everyone, and they aren’t. But they are the most real thing to us.
I love your posts. Come for the outfits, stay for the honesty and insight! 🙂
thank you sallie!! and congratulations on your almost year anniversary 🙂
i celebrated by taking the HARDEST instructor at the studio today. it felt sooo good!!
You are so amazing! You truly are. It takes REAL commitment to go to a physically challenging class for THREE YEARS. And you’ve done it. Believe you’re good enough, cuz you are!
(I’m so jealous…you’ve got those shoulder “divots” that really fit women get. It makes you look great in a strapless dress!)
Wowza! You really can see the definition change in your upper body from the “before” and “after” shots. Really impressed with you in that you took the proverbial deep breath & jumped off the edge by signing up & attending the class & nothing bad happened. You didn’t get laughed at by the other students, you didn’t get shamed over it, you didn’t explode into flames, you just made a lightening bolt decision & your reward was success. Very proud of you & kinda envious too!
ha! no, i did not burst into flames 😉
it’s an amazing thing that happens when you take a leap of faith. somehow things always work out – most of the time better than you could have imagined. if only we could do that more often!!
If I looked that hot, is bare more skin, too!!! ????
That’s so true. I often find myself with my toes on the edge only to get overtaken with but, but, but thoughts. Then I wuss out & never know what could have been.
But then I’m worried that I just missed a great opportunity. So the worry cycle continues. I’m not sure when I became such a sissy, or if I’ve always been one. Either way, every time I do push past the fear of being on the edge & follow through – I’m always so proud of myself & try to ride that wave before it crashes on the shore & I resume being a wuss. LOL
btw, how do I add my photo to the comment icon by my name?
i think to add a photo you have to have a gravatar associated with your email address – go to http://en.gravatar.com/ to set it up.
I already have a WP/Gravatar account, but didn’t think to use that. Not sure why I didn’t think your website was tied to WP.
ah! hello! 🙂
Howdy! I keep planning on doing something with my WP blog, but I sit on it, get busy with school/work, then chase after another butterfly, then get distracted yet again. Really though, I just suck at keeping up with keeping up.
*I’d, too! 🙂