James Perse tube dress | a million years old, no, maybe just 8-9 😉 – I don’t wear this dress anymore except to the pool/beach, because it’s quite big on me, but I wanted to try and contrast it with the picture below!
Antik Batik necklace | from Forzieri, sold out, other colors available
Rachel Comey moon wedges | low version
Then (wearing the same JP dress if you couldn’t tell!)
Today I’ve been doing Pure Barre for three years. I started it after reading a comment on the post above, and after having felt like I reached a limit with my body. I was treating it badly, I didn’t feel good, and I had gained so much weight, after losing it the year before, incidentally. I discovered that there was a Pure Barre studio very close to me, and decided that I was going to just go. I purchased the one month unlimited class option for $100 without having taken even ONE class, with the intention to try it for a month and then decide if I wanted to continue.
And the rest is history.
I have said before that Pure Barre changed my life, but it’s not that simple. It’s hard to explain. Yesterday after I finished class and was cleaning my equipment I looked at myself, just fleetingly, in the mirror and felt tears come to my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
I look very different. Pure Barre has definitely changed my body; I am stronger, and leaner than I ever have been. I feel different also – I can do things I wouldn’t have thought possible when I first started. I feel strong, and sturdy, flexible and lithe. I’m very proud of that, and know what I’ve achieved.
as a chronic weight-loser, I finally understand that the insecurities I felt when I was heavy, they’re still there
But the truth is, inside, I am not a whole lot different. I lost weight, yes, I’m slimmer than I have been since high school. I look and feel better than I did twenty years ago. I’ve toned up, a lot. But as a chronic weight-loser, I finally understand that the insecurities I felt when I was heavy, they’re still there. They don’t go away just because I lost weight. Because they’re not about the weight. They’re about me. They’re part of me. Putting on weight was just a symptom of a larger ‘issue” or problem. The problem of not feeling good enough.
I’m happy with the way I look, when I can really appreciate it. I’m even happier with the way I feel, physically. And I wouldn’t want to go back to being heavier. But now I realize that losing weight or having reached a healthy weight isn’t the magic bullet that will take away the pain of not fitting in, or not FEELING like I fit in. It won’t free me from the debilitating feeling I get sometimes when I don’t feel good enough to even leave the house.
Thankfully those moments are few and far between lately, and I’m sure that has more to do with how physically healthy, strong and comfortable I feel in my body, than how I look. I do appreciate finally being able to wear the clothes I’ve always wanted to wear, and look sort of like I want to look in them. But, inside, sometimes, I feel like I’m still the heaviest person in class.
But, inside, sometimes, I feel like I’m still the heaviest person in class.
That’s the thing: whether I was or not, I have no idea, but I always FELT like I was. In every stage of my life, elementary school through college, I saw myself as the heaviest, ugliest person in class. And even now, sometimes I look around in Pure Barre and feel like I am STILL the heaviest person in class. Even though I’m not, and even though it DOESN’T matter, really. It just feels like it does.
That is my struggle, my cross to bear. I don’t know why, although I can think of a few things people said to me when I was quite young that shaped my feelings with regard to my body and self-worth. It doesn’t matter now though, because as I have also learned acutely over the last several years, life is a journey, not a destination. All I can do is the best, most “right” thing, NOW, and keep trying to make better decisions each moment.
Finally, that’s what it’s all about; making the right decisions. I started Pure Barre with a decision, after having made SO MANY bad decisions with regard to my health and my body. Now it’s a habit, an almost-daily practice for me, something I cannot do without. It is one way I set myself up for success each day.
It is one way I set myself up for success each day.
But it is just a stepping stone, as all things are. I realize now that Pure Barre hasn’t changed my life in the way I wanted it to (it is not the panacea, the final fix), but it has shown me what I CAN do, and it has firmly set me up on the right path. The path that includes the hardest work of all: convincing myself that I AM good enough, feeling it every day.
Onward and Upward! I’m going to start by lifting, toning and burning in about 45 minutes at Pure Barre 😉
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