What I wore this weekend:
Ace & Jig Casey Dress in Martinique (size small)
Use my referral link for Garmentory to sign up for an account and get a $20 credit
Golden Goose Hi-Star sneakers (true to size)
Admonish leather bag (made by a friend!) | no longer available, many years old
It may surprise you, but I have not always been very good at having fun. Or at putting myself in situations where I may *gasp* laugh or smile, or enjoy myself very much. I am quite a serious person.
I’m working hard at overcoming that since I’ve recognized it, and wearing color has in no small part helped me get more comfortable with actually cracking a smile every now and then 😉
I love to wander around bookstores; it would probably be in my top five things I enjoy doing, if I had a top five list. In high school in Atlanta my best friend and I would go to our local independent bookstore, Oxford Books, and spend hours. They had a cafe where we would sit and drink tea, then we’d wander around stacks and find interesting books. This was just a little while before Barnes & Noble and Borders came in and sterilized the bookstore experience. It was old and packed full of books and the people working there were usually writers, or at least avid readers and could always help you find something worth reading.
I actually got a part-time job there after high-school and was literally so excited because it was my DREAM job at the time, but shortly after they started downsizing and closing stores, so I never had the opportunity to start work.
Jumping ahead thirty years…we have an independent used bookstore chain here, Half Price Books (it’s not only here, I think it’s nationwide now?) and the flagship is 15 minutes from me. I go there usually only when I’m searching for something specific, and even then, not very often. This weekend, I went to the bookstore JUST TO BROWSE. Because I wanted to.
I tried to talk myself out of it on the way. I didn’t have a lot of extra money to spend. Why do I need to “real” books, I love my Kindle. Couldn’t I be more productive (work) with my time instead? on an on and on it went, that internal dialogue.
It comes from a lifetime of feeling like I shouldn’t just be. Or sit still. Or enjoy myself simply for the sake of enjoying myself.
Too often in the past I let my internal dialogue win, in ways I’ve talked about here before (body image, etc.). I never really thought much about this one though, the way it talks me out of doing something fun, JUST FOR FUN. Now that I am more aware though, I’m going to work as hard to overcome that as I did to get out from under my body image issues.
It doesn’t make sense. And maybe it sounds completely foreign to you, but it has been so real for me all my life. For the entire 15 minute drive on Saturday to HPB I struggled to tamp down those voices in my head telling me I shouldn’t be doing this, I have more important things to do with a couple hours in the afternoon (I didn’t). If I hadn’t already left the house, I might have talked myself out of it. And then I wouldn’t have found the books I did, or enjoyed myself as much as I did. I talked with a young aspiring artist in the Art section, and then because I was already out, I met a friend for dinner.
On Sunday I kept the momentum going (and also I hate football, and it’s nonstop football on sundays) and took my laptop to sit at Starbucks for a while to try and just write. I’m out of the habit of doing that, though, and was too distracted, but I aim to get away from my home office to work, or just write, or wander, more often now.
How was your weekend?