Hawk studying up on Hawks…LOL
Wow. My life is so full. And I am now that person who forgets to brush her teeth and/or leaves the house in pajama bottoms.
As you might be able to tell from the state of my office, I have piles and racks of things on consignment to get up at Slowre. Some days I can be really productive and other days I just can’t, and I’m okay with that. It just means I’m a little behind posting things. I can usually catch up a bit on the weekends, because for some reason Hawk takes long naps on Saturdays and Sundays while he’s watching football with his dad 😉 When he’s home with me during the week, not so much haha.
I started going back to Pure Barre three times a week a couple weeks ago and while I’m really happy to be able to do that, I can’t help but feel frustrated when I look at myself in my workout leggings and tanks (which are too tight) in the mirrors at the studio. I am basically back where I was several years ago; I feel like I’m starting over. Maybe I am in a way, and it’s not such a bad thing to be a “beginner” again, but it’s a bit demoralizing after all my hard work these last 7 years. Pregnancy and motherhood does some remarkable things to one’s body, and I’m really having to work hard at learning to live in this new one (and love it as it is right now).
In general I feel great though, aside from being sore from PB/getting my body used to exercise again. I am getting hormonal migraines again (I didn’t have them at all during pregnancy), but they’re manageable for the most part.
Hawk is also doing well, he had his two month check-up this week + shots. He is in the very lowest percentile for his weight/height still; he’s 7 pounds 10.5 ounces and 21 inches long. He’s gained only one pound since his birth weight (but not his going-home weight) and two inches. His doctor isn’t concerned about it at all, and I’m not either, sort of.
Developmentally, he’s right on track, or even a little advanced for his age – it’s just that his body isn’t growing as quickly. He is also happy most of the time, and seems to be satisfied with the amount of food he’s getting, now that we’re giving him even more formula. Yes, we’ve been supplementing since he came home since he was so small, not latching well every time, and not growing quickly, but only 1-2 ounces when he seemed like he was still hungry – most days he took about 6 ounces of formula in addition to breastmilk.
Well, I got a pump late last week and was devastated to discover that I’m not even producing 1 ounce each time I pump/nurse. That’s from both breasts, for at least ten minutes. I know he gets more when he nurses, but it’s not enough for him. Maybe he was humoring me all this time? I won’t lie, even though I know that fed is best, it makes me very sad to know that I cannot produce the amount of food he needs. But he needs to eat, and so I’ve increased his bottles to 3 ounces each time and he gets several more per day.
He still nurses, but other than in the mornings, when I know I have more milk, it’s more to soothe him, and me, than for sustenance. I’m thankful for that, at least, that he’s not rejecting my breasts in favor of bottles only; that would crush me.
It is what it is, and that is all it is. Every moment I am faced with this anew; he is changing constantly and surprises me every minute. I have very little control over anything right now, except maybe how I react and feel about things. All I can do (and this takes practice) is let go and follow Hawk’s lead. He tells me when he’s hungry, or tired. He lets me know when he wants to just chill on his back, or listen to music (we’ve been listening to Peter, Paul and Mommy nonstop – and maybe it’s the hormones but I cry every time I hear Puff the Magic dragon LOL. I grew up on that and it’s overwhelming to think I’m sharing it with a child I never thought I’d have).
As far as clothes go, I’ve purchased a few essentials for my new body, but don’t get to wear them out much yet. Now that the weather is a little cooler here, we’ll get out more, but it’s also okay if we don’t. I’m not in a hurry for that anymore.
How are you? I miss you guys!!! I hope all is well and it’s cooling off a bit where you are.