So you can appreciate his crazy hair 😉
Well, here I am. Hello! I have so many things I want to talk about I have no idea even where to start. And let’s be honest, I probably won’t get to mention most of them. Hawk is happily napping in the Snoo right now, but his daytime naps don’t usually last very long unless he’s attached to me. He is getting so big – big is relative I guess, big for him! – and has his four month doctor’s appointment on Monday. It’s so exciting watching him discover new things (his toes! his hands!) and interact with people and objects.
Hawk’s favorite thing to do is watch videos of himself; he cracks up laughing and giggling, it’s the most amazing thing. And we can spend forever in front of a mirror watching each other make faces. Who would have thought that would be so entertaining LOL.
I am doing okay, aside from being in pain all the time. Which really means I’m not doing okay, but I’m managing. I’m going to see a physical therapist this week and try to pinpoint what exactly is the problem and what I can do about it. I do know I have diastasis recti and that I need to work to fix that, but I’ve also had terrible sciatica, and what I think may be pelvic girdle pain. Thanks dr. google haha. It’s not just “normal” body pain from carrying a baby around all the time – I feel like I’ve ridden a bike up a hill for hours every day.
The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is how physically active I was and comfortable I felt in my body before (and even during) pregnancy, and how NOT true that is for me now, when I need that the most! I can’t easily get up and down off the floor now; it is just too painful. Standing up from sitting is difficult – I have to brace myself. And let’s not even talk about getting up out of bed after I’ve been immobile for a few hours.
I had to stop doing Pure Barre after being back for several weeks because the pain was so bad. I honestly thought that because I was in such great shape before and during pregnancy that postpartum would be much easier. Ha. I have been feeling like seven years of Pure Barre and the physical and emotional strength I derived from that is completely gone, never to return, and that really breaks my heart.
But now that all that’s out in the open, I have to move on. I did decide a couple days ago that I would be so much happier if I just accepted that this is the new normal for my body for RIGHT NOW. And I have been shifting my focus to just doing the best I can instead of feeling sorry for myself, which does help. I know it won’t last forever, and I am going to actively work to alleviate the pain and become more comfortable in my body, but I also can’t keep feeling so bad about it.
Same goes for trying to find clothes that fit. I have bought and returned so many things recently it’s not even worth talking about. Out of desperation and frustration I have tried everything, and nothing has really fit or worked like I wanted it to (I think I was trying to find things that would make me look like I looked before…which is the problem, right?). I did have luck with some things though (not pants or bottoms) that I’ll try and talk about next week.
Ah, it sounds like I am deep in despair, but I am not. I am so happy, and excited about being Hawk’s mom and watching him grow. I have mostly let go of trying to get a lot of work done during the days; I do it when I can, and ignore it when I can’t.
I have been thinking about what my life would look like without “work” outside of being a mom. Just throwing ideas around and really sitting with the feelings I have about working and why I would continue to do it when I don’t absolutely HAVE to. But that’s a topic for another day…Hawk is awake!!
I hope all is well with all of you! Thanks for checking in 🙂