(Suburban? was it the garage door that gave it away?)
James Perse belted ruched tank dress | size 2 (JP sizing, which is a medium, more like a size 6-8)*, made in the US
James Perse exclusive Birkenstock sandals
underneath: Wacoal shaper, Cosabella bra (on sale)
(You can sort of see my bra a bit here – the armholes are a teeny bit larger than I’d like)
I was called out recently as a middle-aged suburban woman (also boring & “drab”) on a message board. Out of anything you could say about me, that is probably the most jarring. Not the middle-aged part, or even the “boring” part, the suburban part. The truth is, though, that I am – I seem to firmly entrenched in suburbia at 42 years old. Something I never thought would happen.
I rail against it in my head all the time. I don’t feel suburban. I certainly don’t identify sartorially my fellow suburban middle-aged women, or feel like I fit in AT ALL here. Sometimes I look around and I feel a little lost. Like “where am I?” and “how did I get here??”
I know how I got here though. This is the life I’ve chosen for myself. Maybe not explicitly, but certainly by my decisions and actions over the years. And as in any relationship, compromise is necessary (my husband loves the suburbs…). Not that I’m not happy here. I appreciate being able to walk Dagny early in the morning without having to worry about getting splashed by buses barreling through puddles, getting hit crossing the walk by a driver not paying attention, or being propositioned by the local urban campers (which did happen, actually. Quite often when I lived all over Atlanta – have you seen my ass??).
I miss the energy of the city though, people all the time, noises, and being able to walk everywhere, most of all.
Like so much in life, things don’t always turn out the way you plan. Or thought they would. Or even want them to, no matter how much you try and make them fit into your schedule or ideas about yourself. But you must press on. And as an adult, you learn to sacrifice, making trade-offs to get to the greater good. For us, now, that is becoming debt-free.
We can do it, because we live in a place where I can have an office, a large bedroom for my step-son when he’s here, and a two-car garage, for a very reasonable rent. If we lived in the city, we wouldn’t have those things, and we would probably still be spending too much on rent, keeping us further away from our goal.
After college and before I met my (first) husband (and then after my divorce) I was very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, moving every year, no matter the cost, and not thinking much about the future. I moved around the city, living as many places as I could, enjoying the urban lifestyle, but not considering what it was doing to my future.
Now, of course, I realize what I was doing. It was joy I longed for, a deep happiness and love for life. I always associated those things with being carefree and spontaneous – I thought you couldn’t have one without the other.
And since I am naturally neither of those things (carefree or spontaneous) I thought somehow I could become happy if I acted more impulsively instead of with my usual analytical clarity. So, I tried that for more years than I should have, and now, I am suffering the consequences; paying stupid tax, as Dave Ramsay would say.
After all these years, I finally understand that real happiness comes not only from being true to yourself, and following your passion, but also from cultivating healthy relationships and planning for a future. Long term vs. short term goals have always been difficult for me. If you’ve been following along on my Minimal Closet journey, you probably recognize this already; up until a few years ago, I was much more concerned with fleeting moments of pleasure (shopping…) than with true happiness and deep relationships.
It’s difficult still, to come to terms with why I’m doing this: living in suburbia, and I want to backslide sometimes. I get caught up and dream of living in a high-rise in the city, forget about debt, forget about the future, forget about traveling. But then I jolt myself back to reality (and remember that I’m an adult now), look out my office window at the birds eating from the feeder, take a deep breath and smile.
I’ve said so many times here, the key to having a closet you love, is first accepting your reality and making sure your wardrobe reflects that. Buy clothes & dress for the life you have now, the weight you are now, and the location you are now, not for the person you wish you were, or hope to become. Stop arguing with reality, embrace it, and happiness will follow.
This is true for life. Life is complicated, messy, and unpredictable. We may not have what we want right now, or live where we want, but rebelling against it constantly, instead of appreciating it, gets us no where. Believe me. I know.
So, yeah. This was my long way of saying I guess I’m suburban. I’m going to take it now, and own it. No matter how foreign it feels to me (and it does, truly). So, thank you, random message board commenter, for helping me come to terms with my suburban-ness. It really is the truth that sets us free…
Oh, and let me say a few things about the James Perse dress: I love it, and I chose it over the open back more ruched, longer version that I also loved, because this one is shorter on me and I was trying to specifically replace a similar, older JP dress that didn’t fit anymore. This one is not as bra-friendly as the other one (I have to wear a racerback bra), and not as ruched. I appreciate that this one doesn’t have so much ruching, as that can cause the skirt to ride up a lot, but I do sort of miss it a little, as the ruching in the back seems to make it not quite so revealing…And maybe this one runs a teeny bit smaller than the other one. Overall, I recommend both, for different reasons.
*for people (ahem, from said message board) who think I’m saying I wear a size 2, I am NOT. Ha! me…a size 2…. That refers to James Perse sizing, in which a size 2 is generally a medium, a 6-8 in regular sizes
I tried on the U-back James Perse and while I loved most of it, I hated how it clung to me all the way down to my lower calves making me look like an ice cream cone! I actually sized up to the 3 and it fit a bit better but I just couldn’t get over the cling factor below the hips. Alas, the search continues…
Look good!
…Oh, and you look great and there is nothing boring or drab about you
Hey Sexy Suburbia Lady! Love the dress on you. This post reflects a recent convo you and I had about the topic of missing the vibe of the city. You can take the girl out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the girl, eh! You know your heart no matter what perceptions are gleaned from the garage door behind you.
I’m glad you’re hanging out in the burbs with us for awhile, even if it is just a stepping stone. Look at my friends at Vintage Martini! They hung out in Old Town Carrollton during the recession, keeping a low profile but kept their eye on the goal and now they have a fabulous place on Knox-Henderson and they are getting more & more media coverage and traveling to Paris and Amsterdam and such! And I’ll bet they will tell you it was worth the wait and laying low in old town.
Cheers to keeping your eye on the goal!
You are a chic suburban woman. I hate the suburbs myself–but really, a good relationship/marriage is a gift from the gods.
i like the cling factor 🙂 but i do always wear spanx, or spanx-type undergarments to keep everything nice and smooth. i love the feeling held in that JP dresses give me. i do think the length of that one is a bit off on some women, i wish it was ankle length on me, instead of hitting right at mid-calf.
but good for trying it! actually, the ruching makes it “clingy” – but if you liked the length try this one if you have a store nearby: http://www.jamesperse.com/women/apparel/dresses/womens-open-henley-tank-dress-wit6857?color=1931&cm_filter=WOMEN%2FAPPAREL%2FDRESSES – i tried it on yesterday and liked it, although i wish it had held me in more. it doesn’t have any ruching, and is just a nice, straight dress. on me, the neckline was a bit low though, at least with the bra i was wearing…
that is true…
thank you 🙂
Thanks, I do like that but I’m a little busty and have to watch the deep V! I really want a simple tank dress.
Good Morning Grechen
Love this post. Last year when getting ready for Paris & Italy I was trying on sandals and said to my husband,
“these are comfy, but they are too middle aged lady vacationing in Europe” and he said well you are a middle aged lady vacationing in Europe? True statement I guess.
Thank you again for sharing your world with us, I look forward to seeing you on my screen to start the day.
Best,
E
for knee-length, this one is very good: http://www.shopbop.com/2×1-racer-back-dress-splendid/vp/v=1/845524441901952.htm?folderID=2534374302023856&fm=other-shopbysize-viewall&os=false&colorId=12867 – i had it but it got too big in the size large, and it stretches out with wear, so it looked sort of misshapen on me after a little while. very good dress for the money though. of course, i have this one in black, medium and LOVE IT so much (it’s a bit long on me) : http://www.shopbop.com/ribbed-maxi-dress-splendid/vp/v=1/845524441902389.htm?folderID=2534374302023856&fm=other-shopbysize-viewall&os=false&colorId=10943
and this one is nice: http://www.splendid.com/Colorblock_Racerback_Dress/pd/np/106/p/10345.html_cl_25483
maybe try enza costa also? there are some sale ones at shopbop. they don’t have ruching, so they won’t be as clingy..
haha! your husband sounds like mine. i told him i was called suburban and he’s like…”so?” they just don’t get it do they?
but really, why are we always trying so hard to NOT be what we are? i certainly am…have been for most of my life. it’s exhausting.
Love your posts. I look forward to them. I think your style is very modern and very practical????
Gretchen– what a wonderful post! I love how you took something that was clearly not meant in the most positive light and chose to use it as a self-reflective moment. A great inspiration and lesson for all of us! Everything is always so relative. I love the way you dress but it’s not my style (I’m much more suburban than you!). Everyone needs to be their authentic self and one of the many reasons I enjoy reading your blog. Beth
thanks marla! practical, always 🙂
thanks beth – i can’t always do that, believe me. it was just really funny that i saw that right after my husband and i had a “discussion” (bordering on argument) about living in the suburbs just the day before! i decided it was a “sign” although i really don’t believe in signs, and thought more about why someone would have said that about me at just the right time…instead of getting angry and upset about it. which is my default, honestly LOL
i’m glad i could do it though, i feel like i’ve turned a corner. happily.
You are completely non-boring in any way. I am easily bored, I’m still reading, proof! :). Also, I think there’s a time in everyone’s life for cities, and other times for suburbs, and only you know which is which.
the most ringing endorsement 🙂 thank you lisa!
and you are right, i don’t know why i feel like “this is it” lately, and we’ll never live in a city again. maybe it was that “being mortal” book i just read. gotta stop doing that…
oh, and underpinings. That stuff NEVER works on me. The leg parts roll up and the waist parts roll down! You look great in this thingy, does it stay put?
SO MUCH trial and error. and trying on. buying and returning…and making sure you get the right size.
i have always preferred the wacoal shapers over spanx, but they don’t make them like they used to, so i might be buying more spanx from now on. maybe a post on that is in order…
I grew up living in big cities in the US and overseas and am now happily living in the suburbs as a middle aged mom. While I do enjoy going into the “city” (I live thirty minutes from San Francisco) I find that as I get older, I prefer the ‘burbs (and care less about what other people think).
i definitely appreciate the suburbs, more and more everyday 😉 it’s just been a transition i wasn’t sure i was ready to take. until now, of course…
There are, and always will be a subset of the population that will never outgrow their 7th grade self. Sure they physically develop past that age group & do gain some life experiences, but at their core of good values, common sense, & overall personality, they will always be no more developed than a 7th grader, even if they are 23, 36, 47, etc. Online forums are their version of homeroom & lunchtime cafeteria, ala junior high.
Just remember, that no matter how pretty she is or how young she is, somewhere, someone, is sick of putting up with her shit.
P.S. That dress looks amazing on you! And the garage door – stunning! 😉
thank you jane !! i hated 7th grade 😉
I hear ya. I got the tar beaten outta me by the “henchgirls” to a bully named Roberta in 7th grade, when the object of her desires, one of my older brothers, gave her the Heisman. Last I heard, Roberta kinda failed to launch & never did much aside from graduate high school. Karma!
I apologize, Grechen, for falling behind on posts. I’m struggling a bit right now with the darkness of depression again…somewhat surprisingly, since I figured summer is here, things should be brighter, right? But it’s been cold, kind of gloomy, and my mood matches, which means that I’m finding it difficult to stay on-task with my “minimal closet” project. I’ve made some mistakes, which I’ve returned, but it still feels like failure. My project is to learn to be kinder and more forgiving to myself.
As for “suburban” you, you may live in the suburbs, but you look anything BUT suburban!!! Your honesty and integrity continually inspire my better self. Thank you. 🙂
oh…don’t worry about that! i have missed you though 🙁
yes. you must forgive yourself. you’ve done nothing “wrong” anyway….only according to the nearly impossible standards i’m sure you’re setting for yourself. i know. i do that to an extreme…
That Henley dress is SO damned sexy! If I were still 24, 5’10” tall and 125 lbs, it would be mine!!! ( TRUTH: 54, 5’9 and 1/2″ tall, and MUCH bigger!)
Hell yes, Beth! Let’s hear it for authenticity.
Thank you, most sincerely, my friend (may I call you that?). You have no idea how much I needed those words today.
absolutely!! if i can call you that as well…
Of course! I’m honored.