Yesterday, Aja pointed out that I have “stubby sausage legs.”
Huh. I’d never realized that before! Thanks so much, Aja, for pointing that out. What would I do without such constructive criticism; I had no idea!
Honestly, if anyone thinks they can say anything about my body that is MORE hurtful than what I’ve said about it to myself for 30+ years, they’re wrong; the nasty voices in my own head are pretty good at pointing out my “flaws.” Been there, done that.
And so what if I do have sausage legs (and flabby arms, by the way)? Perhaps I do. Yes, my legs are thick. And my arms are flabby. Absolutely. And? The point is?
What would she have me do?
Cover my legs? okay, so I’ll cover my legs, but only with straight, boot cut or slightly flared jeans/pants, and only with heels, so my short, thick legs will appear longer and leaner. Oh, and the heels I wear, should definitely not have an ankle strap, or be a low wedge, or even platform heels. I should wear a single sole shoe; a pointed toe pump with at least a 3″ heel is the most leg lengthening, so I should wear that.
But whatever I do, I should be careful not to cover myself completely, so as not to hide my body altogether. I definitely shouldn’t wear any oversized tops, or things that don’t show my waist. I can show my shoulders, but not my upper arms, because they’re flabby. Cardigans or sweaters should not be so long as to drown me, or make my short legs appear short.
If I don’t want to cover my legs, I should at least wear an a-line skirt, because with my wider hips and legs, it’s the most flattering shape. And I should absolutely not wear flats, because they make my short legs look….short.
Moving on from my sausage legs to my flabby arms, I should probably not wear sleeveless shirts or tank tops. Or cap sleeve t-shirts because they just make my upper arms look bigger. Maybe I should just cover my arms altogether and wear long sleeves? But then, a bateau neck tee is ideal, because the wider neckline balances out my hips.
Man. I get tired just thinking about all those rules. Good thing I don’t give a fuck. I did care. Sometimes I still do, just a little bit. I have thought such horrible things about my body that I couldn’t even leave the house some days; I didn’t think I should subject the public to my “sausage legs” and “flabby arms.” Why should anyone else have to see my ugly body?
But now, thankfully, I appreciate my body for what it is: a sturdy, beautiful, healthy, strong, vessel for the most important part of me.
I choose to share it here, my body, and what’s inside, and I understand that I dress in ways that many people find un-flattering, and quite un-attractive, but I choose not to care what those people think. I DO care about being comfortable and expressing my personality through my clothing. And more than that, I care about being kind and helpful.
I think that’s enough.
I am 57 years old. I am postmenopausal and “overweight”. When I was younger I starved myself and got down to 110 lbs for my 5 5 frame. I wore what would be a size 0 today. It was readers a roller coaster of fat thin fat thin for years. I never thought I looked good. Ever. Now I look back at my beautiful self and feel sad that I didn’t love myself. I tortured myself in high heels, tight clothes, makeup, haircoloring, mani pedis, spanx and hunger. And for what? To fit some ideal that kept me from reaching goals and mattering .It’s all a bunch of bullshit to keep us down. I say, good on you Miss Grechen for daring to look lovely just as you are.
i just found your blog from a link today and happened to stumble on your most recent post – and of course went back to read the comments you referred to. I really appreciate you addressing this because her comments are a more harsh version of the insidious things people say all the time: “she really shouldn’t be wearing that because it makes her look ___________” or, even better, “I shouldn’t be wearing this, it makes me look so __________.” As if there is no other reason that someone should get dressed in the morning than to earn your approval. As if the only reason someone gets dressed is to be palatable to passersby. Funny thing is, I feel pretty comfortable in whatever – but I feel like those types of “reviews” are so fucked up and really piss me off.
Rules! Rules! Rules! I’m so sick of certain bloggers and magazines…self-appointed authorities…telling me what I “should” and “shouldn’t” wear. You’re soooo right. F*ck the rules!
And, by the way, you’re beautiful. Period.
I spontaneously sent you the FB message today about shopping in a “fast fashion” store. And you know what? If you hadn’t been guiding and mentoring me to think more about where my clothes come from, and who is affected by my purchases, I might not have given it a second thought. Thank you for that! And thank you for helping me to take joy in what I wear again!
YES. that is why i chose to respond this way to her comments. i was working on a post on that actually, as i mentioned yesterday, so i was in that mindset anyway, but she gave me a great reason to address it in a less “serious” way….
people like aja are easy to respond to because their comments and delivery are so messed up, but what’s even more pervasive are people who supposedly “mean” well, and tell you things like “you would look so much better if…” . and this whole focus on wearing what’s “flattering” aka what makes us look as tall and as skinny as possible is so destructive, but also EVERYWHERE. i’m tired of it…
anyway, thanks for your comment; i appreciate your taking the time to leave it!
thank you val 🙂 always and forever.
thank you so much for that marilynn – i have struggled all my life with weight loss/gain and finally feel settled in a body that feels “right” for me, which is all that matters. i’m healthy, comfortable, strong and happy. FINALLY. after so many years. it’s a shame that it takes so long for us to get there. but our entire lives are punctuated by people telling us we’re not good enough AS WE ARE, so that we believe it until we have enough experience and wisdom to know otherwise.
I had the same thought about her child, Christina. Not only her insensitivity to others, but how she will pass on that awful characteristic to her kid.
thanks samantha!! i don’t know how to “do” anyone else at this point LOL
thank you jess, people can be so nasty – i can’t read comments on most news sites, etc., for that reason either…
ha! yes. thank you janice for your comment 🙂
thank you!! i think i’m going to try and let it go, but i wonder. sadly, i think it really is that blogger, and not a troll…
i don’t like a-line skirts or bootleg pants EITHER!!! never have…so why would i wear them, suitable or not???
thank you lee!
haha.. thank you marie !
I am proud of you. None of us is perfect. None of us. I think your beautiful, and kind, and honestly….nothing more matters. We women should support one another, not criticize each other.
These type comments make me crazy. Ladies…love and celebrate each other.
thank you pam – i really appreciate your comment !
yes! the “hi helen” club – thanks to val who calls upper arm flab “hi helens” because it shakes when we wave hi to helen LOL
thank you katy.
We could all spell it the French way, p-h-u-q-u-e. 😉
thanks shannon. isn’t it “funny” how we are so hard on each other? we are first, hardest on OURSELVES, and then on other women. so much jealousy and insecurity that’s unfortunately been nurtured in us since we were very young.
I love that your blog isn’t about how to look perfect or body types or how to look thinner.
Because seriously, we all know the tricks, and if we only dressed according to those, life would be very very boring. Besides, who wants to live life waking up every day and thinking how can I make myself look not so bad! That would be very depressing.
🙂
My “Hi Helens” we’re in their full glory today in my sleeveless CP Shades floaty linen shirt (oh, and my comfy J Crew Army green linen drawstring beach pants worn with black Birkenstocks…quel horrors!!!)…in 90 degree heat. You’d better believe it!
I see your legs as strong 🙂
Monica.
MonicaP´s last blog post ..Blissmo Box No. 1
Oh, I’ve made that mistake before, believe me. They were the first things to get the boot in my closet purge! *unworn*
Oh, I’ve made that mistake before, believe me. *unworn*
They were the first things to get the boot in my closet purge!
WOW. What a mean, nasty little person this Aja is. She must be very insecure if she feels there are “rules” that we all have to stick to, or that she has to tear people down. It must be a terrible feeling to have that kind of mean little spirit residing inside yourself.
Grechen, for starters… You are beautiful. I truly hope you know this, internalize this, live this every day of your life. I hope everyone who reads this know this about themselves as well. You are all so very lovely 🙂
And two, Grechen, this was a helluva return salvo you fire off. Bravissima!
While there are a handful of Aja’s out there, the rest of the world is filled with people like you and your followers. People who make good role models for my daughter and teach her to be kind to her body, make smart and ethical purchases, stand up for yourself, find your own fashion standard and most of all be kind to others.
2nd comment on your site, been reading about a year .
i love your website grechen. i love that you are not an ectomorph body type, that you intelligently analyze your choices, that you are so organized in how you present your posts. (your PSa’s!) . and as so many others have said what i love the most is your honesty. thats why i have this site bookmarked, not vogue, elle etc ETC.
Well that is just sad, isn’t it? I almost feel sorry for her. How pathetic to behave that way as a grown-up, and a mother to boot. Shameful. Surely there are classy ways to try to drive up traffic to one’s own blog.
After watching a female senior partner ruthlessly maul one of her younger female colleagues this week, clearly because of her own insecurities, I was already disgusted by the way women treat each other. I’m sorry that people can be needlessly cruel and so grossly self-absorbed they lack the ability and awareness to understand how their behavior impacts others. I’m relatively new to your blog, but I’ve already appreciated your candor and positive attitude. As they say, “Don’t let the bastards get you down” — keep on keepin’ on, gurl!
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As they say in La Cage aux Folies ‘I am what I am’. Thanks for post
Hi Grechen,
Been reading your blog for a while but never commented. Looking at your picture in this post, I’m seeing cool, relaxed, fit, happy and confident person. Will go and dig out my shirtdress and Birks in attempt to copy your style 🙂 and probably freeze my arse off here in the North East of England 🙂
Something still just wasn’t adding up for me about the nasty comments, so I investigated a little bit. I’m not saying it wasn’t actually Aja Aguirre, but here’s why I think it may have actually been a random troll posing as her:
1. The website isn’t listed properly; it just says http://fitforafemme. If she was going to try to drive up traffic to her site, wouldn’t she have formed the URL correctly?
2. The gravatar is connected to a user called “amartuvshin,” who has a quote in Mongolian on his profile that translates to “A young man born in the UB” (Ulaanbaatar is a city in Mongolia).
I really do think this might be some lame, bored teen on the other side of the world just getting his kicks from being nasty on the internet. It doesn’t excuse how hideous the comments were, of course, but I’d sleep better at night knowing that it wasn’t a fellow female blogger, you know? Just my two cents.
Interesting analysis H! Honestly as soon as I read the judgemental comments and noticed her avatar I wondered if she was suffering from postpartum depression and or mood swings. Women say and do crazy things in that period.
The site has been taken down and whatever was going on with this poor person/woman/boy/?? will be a mystery best forgotten. Keep up the awesome work Gretchen!!!!.
YAAAAASSSSSSS WOMAN! And yet again you and I are on the same wavelength, I wrote a piece this weekend that went live today, went in my Feedly and BAM! I love your attitude, I love your style, and I love how you addressed this. Keep on being the BAMF you are. <3
Alison´s last blog post ..What is Flattering?
I don’t feel it’s her, either. I’ve been reading her blog on and off for a couple years and she’s very accepting of “you do you” when it comes to fashion, beauty, and any lifestyle. She’s also pretty savvy with her branding and I would think she’d have a different avatar and a correct link to her blog. But you never know, I’ve caught many bloggers I’ve considered friends leaving what I think they thought were anonymous trolly comments on my blog. 🙁
Alison´s last blog post ..What is Flattering?
i’m sort of conflicted with this. when i first went to her blog, i was shocked that she would leave a comment like that, but just shrugged and said whatever. now that you guys are mentioning that you think it’s not her, i wonder. but then again, if it indeed is NOT her, then why wouldn’t she follow the link to her blog (she got a trackback, and I’m sure she’s getting random traffic) to investigate and email me, or leave a comment as herself to say that aja is NOT her?
i don’t know. i’m just going to leave it i think, although i did remove the links to her blog from the original comments…
Having just spent ten days with my grandson who took great pleasure in joking about my “cobbly-wobblies” (my name for my jiggly flesh), I know how easy it would be to go into negative mode. In fact, I told him that after seventy-one years, my arms & legs have earned the right to relax! It was our private joke. Lest he miss the real point, I challenged him to an arm wrestle & won. I also told him that I hoped he would live a long enough life to earn his own.
Although your style is not mine, I enjoy seeing how you put things together & how you wear your style with grace & delight. It’s also a nice way to be introduced to other products. But what I really come for, is who you are…a warm, thoughtful, very human being. It is like going for quick coffee with an admired friend & leaving feeling energized for the rest of the day.
We don’t all have to look alike or dress from the same arbitrary “rules”. Like my cobbly-wobblies, surface appearance only goes so far, as my grandson learned. It is not who we are, just how we look. And If you choose to dress in any particular way, more power to you. Just do it with zest & gusto & if others don’t like it, then let them howl, while you continue in not giving a fuck.
Id leave this post up. The ensuing discussions that followed in the comments about surviving despite not being perfectly perfect has certainly resonated with me.
oh absolutely, i would never delete a post. i just meant that i am not going to try and investigate further whether or not it was really fit for a femme who left the comments, or if it was someone posing as her. at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter much to me…
Best I can tell, Aja seems to have her toe dipped in just about every social media there is, so she has more than enough options for damage control should her site have actually been hacked. But she hasn’t. So……yeah. Misdirected anger issues with her.
I think you look great! just catching up on the week’s posts! love your attitude and perspective 🙂
I’m a bit of a lurker on your blog, have only commented a couple of times. What a horrible thing for the commenter to have said – don’t take it to heart. I follow your blog precisely because your shape is a lot like mine, except that you are more petite than I am so I can’t actually order a lot of what you wear (I’m 5’10” and a size 16ish.) However, I admire your commitment to wearing sustainable sourced clothing, and I relate to your struggles with over-shopping.
At the end of the day, that bitter, angry, jealous commenter has her punishment: she has to be the person she is, which has to be a miserable existence.
1. I love that dress and skimmed the post a few times to find the link, major emoji heart eyes.
2. I so admire and look up to your confidence and attitude to wear what you LOVE, rather than wearing whatever the heck some magazine says to wear. So, thank you Grechen for that and for this post!
3. Your candid blogging about that comment and not deleting the comment makes you the most honest blogger out there now even more. Thank you for not being the normal blogger who would delete and cry for pity back pats.
thank you ashley! the dress is james perse, it’s the cotton gauze shirt dress from last year – sold out, except maybe on ebay?
I love you. You are amazing!
thanks jillian 🙂
For what it’s worth I adore your style. I find it simple, clean and classy. I especially love to see what you have to say about my favourite label, James Perse. I’m positively sure there is no perfect woman walking this earth. Hopefully that was just some bonehead having a bad day and playing around on their computer looking to start trouble. You always look fantastic. Keep up the great work! Thanks for all of your lovely pictures and advice-
Hi! I’ve just read this after Catherine included it in her round-up today. All I can say is brava!! What a brilliant post and congratulations on loving and respecting your body for the amazing machine it is. Love Lizzy xxx (whatlizzyloves) xxx