I’ve been writing this post since Monday. Story of my life lately, and preamble to all my posts since Hawk was born. He’ll be three months on the 15th; the “fourth trimester” is almost over. Does that mean everything will get “better”? So I’ve heard, but I’m not holding my breath. Everything changes every day, nothing is really better or worse, I guess, it’s all challenging. haha.
I turned 47 last Saturday. My birthday came and went without a lot of fanfare, but with more “negative” emotions than usual this time. I usually love getting older, but now, I feel older. My body hurts, my sciatica is back with a vengeance, and I can’t see well (I need new lenses…). Of course, I also thought life would be different approaching my 50th – I could never have expected to have a toddler at that time. Hawk is a gift, to be sure, but one that comes with a lot of conflicting emotions. He is all consuming and I am challenged daily by the new person I must be for him.
Now, I am a person who wears pajamas all day (not because I want to), takes a shower, and then puts them back on.
I have given up trying to do much work at all, and taken to binging on tv shows while Hawk endlessly nurses/takes a bottle. Even during the day. GASP. I wonder if I’d “known” how difficult these early months would be if I’d taken all three off from even trying to work. Probably not, but in hindsight I wish I had. It would still be hard, but at least I’d not have the pressure of work also. I enjoy my work, and I think about writing here all the time, but I just can’t make it work. And that is frustrating.
Hawk giggles now, and it’s mesmerizing.
He hates being worn lately, and screams until I take him out of the Solly baby wrap – he really prefers to be held looking out, so I might try a new carrier that allows that (I still can’t figure out the ring sling).
He doesn’t sleep during the day unless I’m holding him, or unless we get in the car and go out. He does sleep pretty well at night, no matter when he goes down (usually between 8 and 9) he sleeps until 3 or 4 in the morning. The problem is that he has a really hard time going back down after eating. Sometimes I just end up taking him to bed with me. (I know co-sleeping is frowned upon in this country, but I think it can be done in a safe way. He can’t even move an eyelash without my waking up, so I feel good about it for a couple hours at least)
0-3 month clothing is fitting him better; I can tell he’s gaining weight, but not much, and not very quickly.
He LOVES to listen and dance to music and wants to look right at the speaker; we listen to Peter and the Wolf on repeat now.
That’s about it for now. My postpartum clothing dilemma is solved apparently, by my just wearing pajamas all day. I’m not thrilled about that, but I have bought and returned so many things recently that this just has to be it for a while; nothing that I’ve bought fits me very well. I did end up getting five pairs of hi-rise undies from ARQ and I LOVE THEM so much. Having underwear that fits and is not all stretched out or holey is a glorious thing…
Oh, and I ordered the wool Clyde jacket when the CWC launched at Elizabeth Suzann (I returned the linen Kara dress I ordered so used that credit towards the jacket). I’m hoping it will get here before Thanksgiving, but honestly I need it now; it’s been very cold off and on here, a lot of my sweaters are rather tight in the arms, and my Patagonia jacket doesn’t zip up anymore.
Life is beautiful. But also hard. It can be both I think…
Happy Friday!! I miss you guys, and hope to be back to regular posting soon. Maybe in the new year? Till then, I suppose you’ll have to look at my posts as happy surprises 😉