WEARING:
Current Elliot boyfriend jeans
Joie linen top
Dannijo necklace
Jil Sander sandals (secondhand via MOSS)
Jas M.B. bag (not available)
I’ll warn you, this is a heavy post. Or a ridiculous post, depending on how you see it. But I’ll start by being really shallow and telling you how crazy I am about my new Jil Sander patent orange sandals 🙂
Onto heavier stuff…I’ve been on a serious shopping/buying bender lately. I’ve tried to even the outlay by selling a lot as well, but I feel bad about it because I don’t want to be adding a lot of things to my wardrobe now. I know exactly why I’m doing it – I’ve gained back about 12 pounds since losing 30 last Summer and being at a comfortable weight last year around my birthday. I’m buying things to cover myself up and hide my body again (hello? cardigans…), in spite of the rising temperatures. And I HATE it. Even losing the weight I did made such a big difference: my cholesterol went down, I lost my saddlebags (mostly), and my arms were less flabby. Gaining back 12 of those pounds is SO depressing. And just re-confirms my belief that as I have all of my life until now, I’ll struggle to lose weight and keep it off. Honestly, I don’t think I can ever get down to the healthy weight I want to be. Which is not even that low, it’s certainly not my “ideal” weight, it’s just where I KNOW I will be comfortable and feel “free.” I just need to lose 35 pounds from here and I’ll be deliriously happy.
(because I write a lot more…)
But every time I think about it, I am overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear. The fear that I won’t be able to keep it off (as usual); that I’ll be so happy and proud of myself for losing the weight, and free from my constant feeling of discontent with my body, and THEN IT WILL COME BACK. Like it has over the last several months. It always comes back.
I’m going to be 40 this year. I don’t want to be disappointed in my body/weight anymore. But I really don’t know how to fix it. Sure, I can just lose weight and keep it off. Sure. No problem. I can also just learn to be happy with the body I have, but I’ve tried that. And it doesn’t work long term. I remember how it feels to be thinner (never thin) and more in control, and I loved it. I hate what I am now. I hate that my priority is not my health. I’m disappointed in myself that I’m NOT DOING THE RIGHT THING when it comes to my Body, my Temple.
Ok. Rant over. Moving on. I did not write that for sympathy, or to get comments like “you look great! what are you talking about?” I don’t want to hear it. I KNOW I look okay on the outside, but that’s not even what matters. It does, but only because the way I feel on the inside clouds & influences the way I feel about how I LOOK on the outside. How ironic is it that I longed for the time when I wouldn’t care anymore what anyone else thought of me, and now that it’s here, I can’t enjoy it. I don’t care if everyone else thinks I look “great” or whatever, I don’t FEEL great, and that’s the ONLY thing that matters. And for the record, I’m going to stop saying that (“oh, you look great!”) to people when they confide in me that they’re not feeling that great about their body – it doesn’t help. I will sympathize with what they’re feeling, not make them feel worse by essentially telling them they’re full of shit. Which is what you do when you tell someone they look great when they don’t feel great…
Since I didn’t just write that for sympathy or reassuring comments, why did I write it? Because I had to get it out. And because FOR MYSELF, I do not believe I can be healthy while carrying around extra weight. Even adding back 12 pounds is causing my knees to hurt again, my ankles are sore, and I know my cholesterol is inching back up & up with every pound. That probably isn’t true for everyone, every body is different, and there may be lots of healthy overweight people. I am NOT one of them. And I’m tired of all the posts/articles written on body image being super-sweet and positive, focusing (and blaming) only on the outside influencers of how we feel about our bodies instead of the internal ones. Sure, maybe the internal feelings of discontent have been shaped over time by outside influences, but at this point in my life, that isn’t valid anymore. As a nearly-40-year-old woman, I need to step out from behind that curtain and own up to making my body healthy. I don’t care about being model-thin or looking perfectly proportionate, I just want to look in the mirror and feel good about how I look.
The end.
Well, either way – you DO look fantastic. This Current/Elliott jeans are fabulous, Grechen! 🙂
Jaime @ Denim Debutante´s last blog post ..Hayley’s Outfit: Denim Skirt and Leather Jacket
This sentence really stuck out to me I just need to lose 35 pounds from here and I’ll be deliriously happy.
I can’t tell you how many times I thought and said the same thing. After going through my divorce I lost 35 lbs. But you know what…. I wasn’t happy. I still found stuff to obsess over and different things I wanted to change so that I could look “perfect”. I only began to feel differently about my body after starting boot camp classes. I don’t think that my solution will work for everyone, but I think a lot of people put an emphasis on weight and never health and what your body can do. Only after I started to see an improvement in strength and energy I realized that the number on the scale does not matter. I feel good because I can run and do pushups and pull ups and I feel strong.
I’m not sure how active you are but my two cents is to find a hobby like tennis, boxing, fit camp etc… and focus on building you strength. When you see how far you can run and how many pull ups you can do I really believe that the number on the scale won’t matter anymore.
Good Luck!
I understand how you feel. I spent a lot of time drowning in my own self pity over my weight. I tried so much to lose the pounds but it didn’t happen. Finally one day I got the most frightening news for me…I was on my way to becoming diabetic. I spent the next year changing my life style. I didn’t diet. I changed the way I ate by eating only foods that had nutritional value. I worked out everyday. Since losing the weight I’ve done relatively good at keeping it off. I feel the pounds coming back and really need to take charge. My biggest problem now is not exercising. I’m hoping that I can start this weekend…
I could have written that post. I understand. Just wanted to let you know. I’m right where you are right now – I’m not happy and that’s bigger than what anyone else has to say about it.
I won’t comment on your weight, per your request, but I will say that I cannot believe you’re going to be 40. You look 10 years younger!
Jessica @ Beautify My Life´s last blog post ..It’s baby month!
thank you jessica!
i hear you…we’ll come out of it though…
i’ve said that before, and lost weight before, and no, you’re right, i wasn’t deliriously happy. after my divorce i lost a lot of weight, and i wasn’t happy. but the thing is, i’m happy now. really happy. just not with how i feel/look when it comes to my body. my body doesn’t reflect how i feel inside, and that’s where i want to get now. i’m not trying to “fix” anything except become more healthy, and healthy-LOOKING. 20 years ago if i’d said that i just need to lose those last 10 pounds and i’ll be happy, i would have been lying, or fooling myself. because i just wasn’t happy then. but now i am, i just want everything to “match”…
and i am active, but not as much as i’d like to be, and ihave thought been thinking a lot about finding an active hobby – i do think that would make a very big difference. sydney keeps trying to get me to go to boot camp. maybe it’s time..
I think the body image/weight conversation has become sort of a no-win situation. If you talk about weight, you aren’t loving your body unconditionally and you are obsessing over the wrong thing; if you don’t talk about weight, you are burying your head in the sand and ignoring potential problems. There are so many mixed messages women receive these days and it’s getting so frustrating! I can say you look great until I’m blue in the face, but that will not change how you feel about yourself. Just remember that the beauty that others see isn’t just about your appearance- it’s your friendship, your kindness, and your brains. But this post isn’t about you dogging your looks; it’s about not feeling good about the way you care for your body. I hope you know that you are not alone. It’s a tough road, but I have no doubt that you will do what’s best for you. And if you ever want to chat, or walk Town Lake or just window shop, I am here for you 🙂
Cathy Benavides´s last blog post ..I met Brad Goreski……. and now I can die happy
Aw. Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Not just about my weight but my looks but also being productive and being a successful freelancer. I don’t think there’s anything else to do but work through it.
Amy Nievera´s last blog post ..Dorothy Perkins Blue Contrast Bolero Dress [Some Kind of Wrong]
Grechen, you are very brave for posting this. Sometimes, I think we put our feelings “out there” in public because we know we’ll have to hold ourselves more accountable when everyone knows about our issues. I’m not sure I’m that brave…yet. I get what you’re saying about the health part, because I’ve had to face up to the same thing over the past month. I lost 9 lbs. and felt like I was on-track (again) to getting healthier and liking my body, but I got bored with the program, quit walking and regained the weight at the snap of a Cheeto. Worse yet, I lost 55 lbs. around 7 yrs. ago; Ieven kept it off for a year or so. Then, slowly but surely, as I lost my vigilance toward eating healthy and exercising, every single pound crept back on. Before I knew it,(or maybe I knew it and just ignored it…”It’s only 4lbs.!”) I was in the exact same place as where I started. But I’m about to turn 52 and it’s even more crucial at my age to get healthy and STAY healthy. I’ve had enough health-related issues over the past several years and I want my husband and daughters to enjoy our years together as fun, active years. In my head, I know what is right: Exercise and healthy eating. Now, I have to transfer that knowledge into action…I wish you well!
Grechen, sorry to hear about how you feel inside; I know it could become an obsession and make you totally unhappy…. I don’t have weight problem but I had to loose weight after 3 pregnancies. I am petite but curvy. I workout 4-5 days a week doing cardio and boot camps ( which make me even more hungry so i feel defeated and go back to the gym the next day….) but what really make me feel better (and cut my appetite at the same time) is doing yoga and qigong. I do yoga at my gym and breathing well, feeling grounded and strong is amazing. I practice qigong at home and I think that is the best thing that happened to me. I am much more calm, patient and happy. If you are interested you should read TCM The Dragon Way by Nan Lu; yes there is a diet inside the book ( sort of a vegan cleanse that you do not need to follow) but just to learn some qigong poses that help you heal and get rid of those extra pounds….
I’ve been following this blog for a long time I like her writing style; she always talks about great subjects; here is one about setting goals that might help and she has many good posts!
http://justinemusk.com/2012/03/11/change-habits-personal-development/
Gretchen, I really enjoyed this post. Actually, I found you by accident; I was looking for a totally different blog … but happy I found yours. As for this post, it was rather interesting. I know I’ve never had a weight “problem” until 5 years ago. I don’t know if it’s because of age, but I do know that I’ve gained. However, I feel as long as I’m healthy inside, what’s shown on the outside works. And let me just tell you…you do look great!
Corie´s last blog post ..Earth Tones
I can relate all too well to your struggles. In the past few years I have lost 36 pounds, with 20 of that 36 just since last summer. Unfortunately, I have about 40 more pounds to go before I’m considered in the “healthy” range and for my own satisfaction, I think I would look best losing about 55 more pounds. It is hard, hard work and very frustrating. The worst part of it is that I can’t believe I let myself get that heavy in the first place. I had a lot of things that were bringing me down, including a bad relationship, but I would have liked to think I was stronger than what I was putting in my mouth. The best we can do is just move forward with a positive, healthy attitude.
glad you stopped by, and thank you for your comment! i too feel like as long as i feel healthy and good inside, i’m all good. but i don’t feel healthy lately…
thank you so much for that link melanie! i am going to bookmark that post and keep going back to it. i actually didn’t finish reading it yet, because i got sidetracked checking out pure barre classes 😉 i’ve thought about trying it before, but now i’m definitely going to.
i really appreciate your suggestions also; i used to do yoga every day, even only for 15-20 minutes and that made all the difference in my life. my husband’s boss does qigong and swears by it, he couldn’t live without it. so i have a few more things to try! thank you so much for your input!! can’t wait to read that book and try out new things.
you’re so right cathy – i wish we could just stop talking and thinking about weight altogether. i wish it wasn’t an issue or a problem for so many women. well, me specifically 😉 i think generally, i do love my body though, i just want to do better by it, you know? instead of abusing it with jelly beans 🙂 !!!!
i miss you lots! yes, we should do something soon.
it all goes together i think – i’m not feeling great about my work right not either, so everything kind of came to a head yesterday! but i think if i can start to get my physical health back under control, my mental health will follow. hope so anyway !!
i think the key is also knowing what your triggers are – what are the things that get you to let your vigilance down and succumb to unhealthy things when you know you shouldn’t…i used to allow myself a cheat day once a week, but when leo was out of town for 2.5 weeks recently, i cheated the entire time! i was so lonely, i found comfort in eating comforting foods…
if i can just deal with those triggers better, i might be able to beat this. it’s just so hard because i’ve ALWAYS turned to food when i’m stressed out, or need to feel “loved.” nothing says i love you like sour jelly beans 😉
not true. but you get what i’m saying…
yes. all we can do is move forward and be positive. that’s the hardest part for me, because i’m a pro at beating myself up when i make a mistake, or do something i shouldn’t. i know the best thing is to get up, dust off and move on. admit that i made a mistake, ate something i shouldn’t have, and accept it, but i end up getting angry at myself and stay that way for HOURS. so bad…
and you ARE stronger than what you’re putting in your mouth – we just have triggers to eat certain things that, in the moment, are IMPOSSIBLE to overcome. maybe preparing for that moment, and knowing how to combat it when it happens is the best thing to do. maybe it takes time to talk yourself out of it, but in the end, it’ll be worth it.
If it’s something you want to do, we should help you do it.
Lisa´s last blog post ..In San Francisco We Are Always Transitioning
I’m like that, too. Food fills a need, but it’s not REALLY filling that need, it’s just a temporary fix. And it leads to regret afterward. I guess a key for me is finding something to substitute for those triggers. A walk, a mani/pedi, a good book, a new handbag (just kidding!)…or even an apple instead of Cheetos. Thanks for your empathetic viewpoint! I can always count on you to be compassionate. And I hope you know that your readers feel that way about you. <3
I want to echo what was said before – you look about 10 years younger! Sometimes you really do just need to put it out there (as opposed to wanting sympathy or fishing for compliments), because suddenly you’re accountable to yourself. If you’ve done it before, you can do it again. I went through some weight related issues recently (not needing to lose it exactly- but needing to hit very specific measurements), and it started to really bring me down. Even though it was never about how I looked- it was about my internal fixation and wanting to succeed at a very specific goal. And waiting for your body to change is kind of like watching paint dry…
Sorry- I don’t think that was helpful but I understand.
Thanks for your comment Chrissy! I just appreciate that you took the time to share 😉
I was struck by how your trigger issue sounded so much like a smoker trying to quit. You decide to quit smoking, maybe cold turkey or the patch, and do well the first couple weeks until one night at a party. After 2 beers all of your reserve goes to hell and by the morning you’ve worked halfway through a pack and feel like shit because you feel powerless. This isn’t just a self-control thing; if so losing weight and quitting smoking would be easy. It’s a very powerful habit you’re trying to change, which is why I think a lot of health folks are trying to emphasize “lifestyle change” instead of the old “diet,” which insinuates a temporary state (thus the reason it’s so easy to gain weight back, if one looks at losing weight as a process and not a permanent state of being.)
I used to work in a bar where EVERYONE smoked, and at least one of them was trying to quit at any given point. Many didn’t succeed. The few that did had something in common- they replaced their unhealthy habit with a healthy one. I think this worked because a habit fills a need, and it’s much easier to change an action than a need in the short-term (while you work out the inner psychology behind the need for long-term success.) Often these people smoked when they felt stressed, so they learned to exercise instead when they felt stressed. One guy even started to do push-ups at work when he wanted a cigarette! Maybe this tactic can work with emotional eating?
I can understand how hard it must be to feel helpless against a powerful urge. I’m a very compulsive person, and while I’m thankful I’m not an emotional eater I definitely have a host of other things I struggle with. Good luck!