Entireworld organic cotton ribbed top (gift from the brand) | small
Madewell Fair Trade denim – I wanted to give these another chance, but I’m taking them back; they just stretch and bag out too much around my knees and thighs. Again…what I dislike the most about stretchy denim. So I changed into my Rachel Comey jumpsuit:
Rachel Comey buxton jumpsuit
Mara Hoffman Fatima organic cotton jacket (sold out) | Chambray/hemp version!!!!!
Women by Common Projects Achilles sneakers | secondhand at The Real Real
Baggu fanny pack
Today I am confused, conflicted, and frustrated. I am lost. I feel at a crossroads (again). Of course I am. I’m 15.5 weeks pregnant, something I hadn’t thought I’d be in a very long time, let alone say out loud.
I am questioning everything right now. Who am I now? Who will I be? What will I do?
I did want to be a mother in my 20’s: all-in, 4-5 kids, stay-at-home, etc. Then I didn’t. I explored myself in my 30’s and enjoyed very much being whoever/whatever I found, mostly. Maybe at 46 I finally thought “okay, here I am. This is it.” And then BOOM! Not so fast 🙂
Of course that’s how life works. As soon as you think you might have something figured out, you get a MASSIVE surprise.
Everything is about to change again.
I am about to embark on “the hardest job in the world.”
Yes, I rolled my eyes a little there.
I know, being a mother is hard, I’m sure of it. And maybe it is the hardest job in the world.
But I didn’t want that job. Well, yes, I did want it earlier in my life, but then I decided that I didn’t. Now, I want it again. I do want to be a mother. I think. Yes, I do, but it’s complicated. I’m in the midst of a pretty big pendulum shift and I can’t say I’ve entirely come back around yet. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about that. But mostly, I’m giving myself time to get there, if I get there at all.
Ugh. I know how that sounds too.
But I also know that motherhood doesn’t only look one way. There are as many different ways to be a mother as there are mothers. I’m sure I will find my way. It will probably be different from what I envisioned in my twenties. I’ll be a different mother than my mother. Or my sister. I’ll be me, as a mother.
Whoever that is.
The one thing about motherhood is that you cannot truly know what you will feel about it until you actually are a mother. It’s so good and so natural that you are feeling all the feelings and running the gamut of trying to understand what your life means and will it will be like once the baby comes. The expectation versus the realization. Keep thinking and doing what you’re doing. You are right to, because the gestational period is just as much for the mother’s preparation as it is for the developing fetus. You’re growing and morphing in ways you cannot even imagine (physically, emotionally, intellectually), and you will be a WONDERFUL mother. I know this because it’s the one’s who do NOT understand or seriously contemplate the momentousness and what it means to have a baby who are the ones to worry about. It’s the most creative thing you will ever do. I am so excited for you.
This may not be super helpful since I’m not a mother yet, but maybe try not to overthink it too much and take it a day at a time, come what may. Just commit to doing the best you can and love as much as you can and know that’s good enough. We’re all going to be different kind of mothers and our babies are all different kinds of humans. Who can ever predict how life is going to turn out?
PS the baggy fannypack caught my eye. How do you like it?
i love the baggu!! my biggest requirement for any “smaller” bag is that it holds my CdG pouch (the same size as this one: https://www.therealreal.com/products/women/accessories/wallets/comme-des-garcons-embossed-leather-pouch-PlRmv9zjMpU) and this one does!! along with my CdG square wallet and random other things I need. it’s crammed full with everything, but it works. I was just trying to think ahead to baby – so i can carry my wallet/phone/etc., on my body and the rest in a “baby bag”
and of course your comment is helpful 🙂
i’m just feeling so all over the place the last day or two, but it will pass and i’ll go back to one day at a time….that’s where i’m happiest, but sometimes i get stuck in the future LOL
Dear, dear Grechen….you are SO hard on yourself! You got a pretty big shock – it would throw anyone for a loop. But like you said, you’d done the “self work” and come to terms with not having a child. And when you’ve done the hard work, you move on and you’re ready for another chapter in life. Then, WHAMMO!
I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant at 46, but I do know what it’s like to struggle with fertility for 3 yrs, have 2 successful births, and then to later be completely surprised 10 years later (Yes, I do know how it happened!) at age 38. It’s a different mindset, for sure. But I think I was a better mom as an older mom. Wisdom counts for something. You’ll just “know it when you see it.”
Meditate on “I am enough.” Because, believe me, you WILL be enough for this baby. Love to you. XOX
hi, i feel you on the mombivalence. i had my first child at 33, and am 18 months into that and for a long time delayed having a kid because–med school, then residency, then fellowship–but the real reason: did not want one! then, i decided ok, i’m 33, maybe i can do this and i am doing it. it is a very tough job, but insanely more rewarding that i could have ever imagined. all this to say–it’s really not always a yes or no cut or dry type of thing. we change and so do our impulses and desires for family. did you see this NYT article? https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/15/upshot/do-you-want-to-be-pregnant-its-not-always-a-yes-or-no-answer.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share finally, we are scratching the surface and realizing that women are complex beings that are not always impulsively driven to motherhood because of nature and evolution. there is more to us than that.
<3 love this post.
I have a lot of feels about the parenthood part of it, so for now I'll just comment on your outfit.
THAT JUMPSUIT. is divine. I almost bought one of her jumpsuits a while back but balked last minute at the price… I know I will invest in one one day, and seeing this one on you makes me want to even more!
and the baggu bag. I loved it when I first saw it and it makes me so happy to see it on you! so cute.
take this with a grain of salt, because I purchase rachel comey with the credit i earn from shopbop, but i find them worth the investment. the sizing can be a little tough though, this one is a size 6 and my glitch jumpsuit is size 4 – you have to find the right size to fit your body type generally.
i saw on instagram that baggu was launching the fanny pack and i knew i was going to order it immediately. i’m very happy i did. might have to get a more exciting color too 🙂
I like to think that mixed feelings on pregnancy is pretty healthy! When I was pregnant with my first (at 39), someone said the most lovely thing – that having a child makes you rediscover the world, because you’ll see it all again through their eyes. Such a gift. I also learnt a heap about myself.
Love your outfits, thanks for sharing – I can live my fashion fantasies vicariously through you 😉
You’re right, there are a million ways to do this. Nobody likes every minute of motherhood. Babies make decent teachers – they don’t require we get it right off the bat, only that we work with them and do our best to figure out the mother-baby dyad over time. I think you’re going to have a pretty lucky little one. All that thinking, all that good intent, on their behalf.
Oh, and besides, you’ve got all of us:).
It’s all so abstract, and then so concrete and you find your way. You will give birth to a whole person, but they will only reveal themselves to you little by little in those first days, and they’ll be working to figure you out too. Truly, it’s magical. Also: Hard. Exhausting. Amazing. Humbling. Renewing.
The internet in this arena is also a gift and a curse. It helps push back islolation and there’s so much information at your fingertips. Also: opinions.
Reading Nora Ephron ‘s “I Feel Bad About My Neck,” and the parenthood section was really funny and relatable. I recommend it, as well as The Baby Sleep Site, Zipadeezips sleep sacks, and Baby Bjorn bouncers.
There’s no single right way, and we figure it out, fresh, every day. Some are easier than others.
You’ve got this! ??
(uh, no idea where the double question marks came from at the end… disregard!)
Same here. I know I want to be a mom (and have >1 kid) but am struggling with when. I’m a graduate student in a highly competitive field and am trying to weigh an uncertain professional future against the uncertainties of motherhood. Questions of how I see myself and who I want to be are tied up in this internal debate, too. It’s tough.
I LOVe the colors of the blue jumpsuit with that gorgeous Mara Hoffman jacket – they’re so vivid and cheerful and beautiful!
And those Madewell jeans: I have the exact same pair and I had the exact same trouble with them fitting great at first but stretching too much, so I returned them and got them one size smaller, and now they’re perfect! I do the little jeans dance to get them on because they’re snug at first, but then they loosen up a bit and they’re great. I think they look REALLY cute on you! And thanks for letting us know their Fair Trade – I didn’t know that when I bought them.
That Baggu bum bag is everything! I went to the site and I’m in love with the yellow.
I am also in the camp of women who accepted my childless state & then embraced it (positivity!). I can only imagine what an adjustment and assortment of emotions this is for you. All change is stressful, even blessings.
Regarding the jeans and I mean this with all kindness from a fellow shopper, hunter/gatherer of the ultimate pieces to fill my wardrobe. I also say it as someone who has experienced weight shifts in certain years. This is unsolicited so go ahead and roll your eyes at me should you feel the need. I would not bother trying to find a not too stretchy jean that fits perfectly during this stage of your life. Your weight and where you distribute weight will change this year (which is why maternity jeans are so stretchy, to fit in different stages). What you like now may not fit you 10 lbs from now and may not hang the same on you after you give birth. Most of the smaller clothes I hang on while I lose weight end up mostly rejected once I’m back to that size just because my body is different even if I’ve been that weight before. I’d buy less but wear the same items more frequently during this time (dare I say capsule?). At $100/$200/$300 a pop, I’d buy minimally now. I’ve bought so many items during weight gain or loss only to find something sat in my closet for a little bit only to not fit when I finally was ready to wear it.
I totally appreciate your advice/input! I know you and i are very similar with regard to our hunting/gathering tendencies LOL and your words come from a place of experience 🙂
i am definitely finished buying. maybe i’ll buy a pair of maternity jeans later on, but i don’t think i’ll want to. it’s just been really tough the last month or so trying to stay warm and “stylish” given the things that fit me and are comfortable. once it warms up to 60’s/70’s consistently, I’ll be able to wear many more of the things i already have (dresses/skirts) and not worry so much about being WARM.
i went ahead and took them back, but will definitely consider them post-pregnancy, in the right size! they just became so big and only with a couple hours total of wearing around the house…
oh, thanks for posting that link! I saw it somewhere and kept meaning to go back and read it then forgot about it.
imagine that, women are complex beings LOL – we are not so black and white as people thought *eye roll*
it’s amazing that we need articles, etc., to talk about that kind of stuff. it still feels like such a stigma to talk about not wanting kids, or being ambivalent about it. but from what i’m seeing it’s much more common than anyone realizes!!!
it also serves as a great reminder that we literally have no idea what anyone else is going through or struggling with, just by looking at them, or judging their behavior from afar. NO IDEA.
i’m looking forward to this next adventure honestly, maybe right now mostly as a matter of curiosity, and interest in how i’ll change.
thanks for the resources 🙂 and advice.
and good point about it being so abstract right now. it’s just all in my head ATM, and i always do better when i get things out into the real world. soon enough….
oh, and i am soooooo so so so thankful for all of you ….
what a beautiful point! i look forward to a new way of looking at things.
thanks for the tip on RC! <3
ooh the baggu is so tempting! Going to have to put it on my list of things I want 🙂
Oh yes, the cold – something I don’t have to deal with outdoors 🙂