Etoile Isabel Marant skirt (on SERIOUS sale at Barney’s – it’s the most fabulous skirt EVER)
Vince Tank top (Yes, Val, it’s worth it!)
Tibi sandals (via Gilt)
Jas M.B. handbag (link goes to the black version)
Lizzie Fortunato necklace
(I set out to write a different post today, based on this post at Privilege, and these two additional posts – here & here – but I got off on a serious tangent and decided to just go with it. I’ll get back to what I intended to write next week, but in general, I was going to address the fact that I wear what is comfortable and practical for my lifestyle. I don’t try to be fashionable, or trendy, or look like every other “fashion” blogger because that is not who I am. I do think style is important, but only insofar as it is a reflection of WHO WE ARE down deep inside. So, again, while my outfits may not be the most stylish, or catapult me to the upper-echelon of fashion blogging, they are definitely me, and I’m pretty sure that’s why you’re here in the first place; for me, not someone else ;))
Everyday I get closer and closer to my 40th birthday – it’s now so close, it’s real – I can feel it. Maybe that sounds like I’m obsessing over it, or thinking about it too much, but I’m really not – at least not in a negative way. I see 40 as an opportunity, a door opening, a chance to move forward and stop focusing on the past. I guess I’m treating it as most people treat New Year’s Resolutions – it’s all in my head, I can make changes anytime I want – but my goal is to treat myself differently from 40-on, and constantly look forward, instead of behind.
At 39, my life isn’t as I expected it would be. I know…whose is? I didn’t really have any set career aspirations that weren’t flexible, or any sort of financial goals, but the one thing I ALWAYS knew I wanted was children. I wanted a large family and I wanted to be a mom. That was the most important thing to me, and I always took for granted that it would happen. Ah…how things change. I know now that I can’t have children the way I wanted to, without making my body do something it clearly doesn’t want to do. Of course, we can adopt, etc., but at this point, I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of not having kids at all (besides the step-son I already have). Still, though, it’s a major “change” – a completely unexpected turn of events – that’s not so easy to just wash my hands of and say “ok…moving on.” I still feel a little jealous and hurt when I learn someone is pregnant. It’s a guttural, knee-jerk, subconscious reaction to a life-event that I will never get to experience, but it is not necessarily what I TRULY feel.
My brain says “I’m okay with not having kids” but my heart still remembers the loss and sadness I felt after my last miscarriage, and the feeling that I would not get to do what is fundamentally in a woman’s nature to do. It’s not easy to let go of something you’ve been conditioned with your whole life – not to mention silencing the dreaded biological clock – but happily, I do feel it slipping away. Having an amazing conversation with a friend who is going through right now something so different than she ever thought she would helped a lot. I heard myself telling her to just go with it, and have fun with the new experience, even though in her head she was constantly struggling with it being SO DIFFERENT. And finally, I was able to see that I needed to do exactly the same thing: enjoy my new experience – the life I have now.
(isn’t it funny how talking to someone who’s also going through a life-changing experience makes you see things more clearly?)
From now until my birthday, I’m going to work very hard to be ready to embrace my life fully, let go of the past, forgive myself for past mistakes and enjoy my everyday experiences. It’s not going to be easy; I am not by nature a very “happy” person because I’m constantly in my head, over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-worrying, but I’m up for the challenge. For heaven’s sake, I’m doing Pure Barre 4 days a week now, if I can handle that amount of torture that often, I can do anything!!
How did you view turning 30? 31? or 40? Was it difficult for you? Did you find hard to come to terms with the life you have vs. the life you though you’d have?
**edited later to add: after I write a very personal post, I always end up thinking a lot about why. It’s not JUST that I love to talk about myself (rolls eyes LOL), but for this subject specifically, it’s because being childless by choice really isn’t discussed much. And that is what I am essentially, I’ve chosen not to spend my life, energy and all my money to try and have children when it doesn’t come “naturally.” I have decided to be happy with my husband, step-son, dog, and niece & nephew. Who knows, in a few years, things may change, and we may decide to adopt, but right now, I’m okay NOT being a mom. And NO ONE talks about that. NO ONE says “that’s ok”…so I am going to say it. It’s okay to not have kids.