haha… he is so concerned and thoughtful all the time, just like his mama
Damn. This is hard.
I knew it was going to be hard, but also for a second, I thought “I got this.” Ha. Haha. Just like that time he slept 5 hours overnight and we thought, wow, this isn’t so bad. LOL. He made up for that by NOT sleeping more than an hour or so at a time the next 3 nights. That’ll show us.
But still, I have the dreaded “expectations.” I have to work. Leo has to work. I should know better, but I expected to get a lot more done today than I have. I expected Hawk to sleep more this morning – he didn’t – and I expected to get more work done. Without the expectations, this morning would have been great. He’s just being a baby, doing what babies do: sleep and eat, sometimes one more than the other.
I also expected to be able to wear some of my before-maternity clothes pretty quickly after giving birth. Maybe if I was 26 instead of 46 I might have been able to. But my body has changed so much, I am not comfortable in anything I already own. It honestly feels like my hips/legs/thighs got bigger/widened the last week of pregnancy and even after. I just barely lost the weight that Hawk and the placenta took up, no more than that. It doesn’t even feel like anything came off; it feels like I am gaining weight now.
Unfortunately new mother’s aren’t allowed to “complain” about their bodies after childbirth. After all, look at the beautiful human I made and get to be mother to now. Of course I wouldn’t go back now if I could, but I feel the need to mourn a little. I understand there’s a tradeoff when you have a baby – you trade your body, your life, for the gift of creating a new one. That doesn’t make the loss of the body I worked very hard for, and felt very comfortable in, much easier to deal with. My body now is not altogether unfamiliar to me (I’ve been much bigger than this) but it is one of a type in which I hoped to never live again.
Add to that the clothes I want to wear and can’t. Nevermind that because I’m not leaving the house much anyway.
I am not unhappy. Sure, I’m complaining a little, but I’m just being honest about my feelings now. I know I need to move beyond my expectations, but that is always a process for me.
This new mom thing is hard, and even harder still to have such conflicting emotions all of the time. I am so content and happy and could live in the moment forever when Hawk is asleep in my arms, when he looks at me, and when he’s happy and fidgety. And then the next second I am frustrated and stressed that he is screaming or not sleeping.
It’s all a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Thanks for bearing with me.
And hopefully I’ll have outfits again soon. For now, I’m wearing this Entireworld organic cotton shirt (gifted) and Entireworld sweatpants (also gifted) and/or this same shirt and some Eileen Fisher wide leg lounge pants and/or my robe and/or my pajamas.