In Santa Fe – I did enjoy that sorbet tho…
25.5 weeks pregnant
I don’t have a cute, round bump*. I have a two-tiered bump: it’s sort of round and hard and “normal looking” at the bottom and then flabby and more like a roll of fat at the top. It’s not perfectly smooth anywhere, nor is there clear “definition”. My bump looks nothing like the cute baby bumps you see posted on maternity clothing sites or even by some of the pregnant ladies I follow on Instagram.
Not that I should be surprised. My body has always looked so different from anyone else’s (don’t they all??) and now, when I should be celebrating what my body is doing, all those ugly, negative body image feelings are popping up again. The areas I worked so hard to tone and slim down are growing exponentially (you should see my ASS!!! OMG) and my hips are widening (duh). My ankles are swelling and are even more nonexistent than before. I’m nervous about the amount of weight I’m gaining, and getting dressed is frustrating.
I thought that since I’d been overweight basically all my life until recently I’d have an easier time gaining weight and getting generally “bigger” with pregnancy. I thought I’d accept my body and embrace the changes easier. Ha. Hahahaha. I’m having a really hard time. I had a breakdown about the size of my ass the other day. Yes, hormones, but still.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I KNOW THAT. I know I should be proud of growing a human in my body, at this “advanced” age. I won’t be pregnant forever. But one of the (selfish?) reasons I was comfortable with our decision NOT to have kids was that I was finally better about my body, after so long hating it.
I don’t always feel uncomfortable, or frustrated with my body. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror at Pure Barre or after a shower and see my growing belly and think wow…just wow; I love it, and what it is doing. But other times…see above…
*please…I’m not fishing for compliments or comments about how cute my bump may seem to you. Just sharing my reality/struggle right now.