Rag & Bone/JEAN Maya jeans | size 31
(I got these two or three months postpartum – they barely fit)
Charley Harper print tee
Misha & Puff popcorn cardigan | m/l
Birkenstock Boston clogs
Well, I seem to have fallen off a bit haven’t I…
I can’t explain it; it’s a lot of things and nothing at the same time. I am so grateful that I’m feeling better (I think my plantar fasciitis might even be gone) and have everything I need, but I feel lacking at the same time. It’s just a superficial feeling, and it is based only on expectations, my drastic shift from having my own income to having not much of an income at all, and then it is all exacerbated by social media, on which I was spending too much time since posting Hawk’s meals the previous week.
I am absolutely not lacking for anything, but given my drop in income I am in the position of having to think in a different way about what I spend money on (I absolutely acknowledge my privilege). And slowre being closed means I don’t have an “easy” market for selling things I may buy and don’t like when they arrive, or don’t fit and are final sale, etc. Another wrinkle.
So, even though I have done A LOT of stress shopping this week, I haven’t bought anything. I am bored with my clothes, bored of not being excited about getting dressed, bored of STAYING AT HOME all the time and not even having a reason to get dressed, and frankly, bored that I haven’t had anything new for a while (a month maybe?).
Ridiculous, I know. I am ashamed that I am feeling this way while others are worried about having food and shelter, and even about being healthy. My sister had a health emergency this week, and that is what sent me on this spiral in the first place. When I am faced with uncertainty and something I can do absolutely nothing about, my first inclination is to shop/buy clothes so at least I can look/feel good while I am flailing about helplessly. Haha. It is that, but buying something I want is also a way to exert a measure of control; I cannot buy my sister’s good health, or purchase peace, but I can definitely buy a new jumpsuit…I can at least do that.
For the first time in my life, though, I am doing the responsible, healthy thing and sitting with these feelings of uncertainty instead of trying to cover them up by buying things. It is very uncomfortable and all I’m able to do lately is take care of and play with Hawk, and go to bed soon after he goes to bed. I am taking care, if anything.
We are also officially going to begin looking for a house in the northern suburbs of Atlanta close to my mom and sister on March 1. I think that is also causing some anxiety/stress that I’m not acknowledging LOL. Oh boy.
How are you?
Oh my friend, I absolutely identify with this!! I haven’t done much shopping lately even though that’s my usual stress outlet. With so many health/financial crises over the last year, shopping is very low on the priority list, even though I want to stress shop so badly. I’m also struggling with wardrobe ennui; I don’t go anywhere so I don’t get dressed so I get bored with everything I own. I did hit upon a solution that has been fun though! I have an item of clothing that I love (a pair of pants I’ve purchased in 5 different colors) so I’ve created an outfit around each pair and I’m writing a blog post ode to them. It’s the little things!
I’m so glad to hear y’all will be able to move closer to your family again!
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I hope that the house search can be fun for you! I’m really looking forward to that project in 6 yrs or so. I actually get Zillow search emails now because I like thinking about and planning for our retirement and this way, I can kind of judge what’s out there on the market in different cities. Of course, who knows what the housing market will look like by then!
I’m so bored with isolation, but I’d rather be safe and keep my elderly parents safe, so I guess, like everyone else in this world, I’ll just sit tight. But man, I miss going to movies! (Total privilege here, too)
I am so happy for you that you have been able to identify anxiety-related patterns that you do not find helpful and to address them…in little ways (reducing over shopping as an activity) and big ways (moving back to family.) It sounds like you are saying that a drop in disposable income has been a bit of a silver lining in this process of vetting your life decisions :). I myself have done a bit of shopping since covid, since I have 1. gained considerable weight and 2. didn’t have enough sweats in my life given that I now only go out from time to time. Please continue to share as you move through upcoming changes!
Being at home with a small child is hard! I also findnmysekf shopping a lot (even if it’s just finding and saving various things we might want or need someday). Try to be kind to yourself and find some outlets for your feelings (I have been doing adult coloring pages after the baby is asleep). Take care.