I am not a fashion blogger.
I am not a shopaholic.
I am not a Pure Barre fanatic.
I am not an entrepreneur.
I am not a writer.
I am not a wife.
I am not a minimalist.
I am all of these things, yet none of them. I am what I am at this moment, nothing more, nothing less. Just Grechen.
I am what I am at this moment, nothing more, nothing less.
Things change. I was a wife, and then all of the sudden I wasn’t. Now I am again. I was a dog-mother, then I wasn’t, and now I am again. I used to be a runner, now I’m can’t live without Pure Barre.
All my life, I’ve tried to define myself as something, anything, to give myself an identity; something besides just “me.” I thought these things were really who I was, but they weren’t. I thought I was defined by my love of coffee and books, so what happened when I gave up coffee? Nothing, it turns out.
I was always waiting. We’re always waiting. Waiting to get married so we could be wives, having kids so we can be mothers, going to school so we can be ____________. All of those things are fine to aspire to, but what if you never reach them? What if you’re 42 and you’re not a mother, or a _________ like you thought you’d be? You’re just you. Hmm.
The problem with calling yourself something is that that becomes who others perceive you to be, and how you, in turn, perceive yourself. When in reality, you are just you. And no matter what happens in your life, as long as you are here, in it, you will always just be you.
no matter what happens in your life, as long as you are here, in it, you will always just be you
And I suppose I’ve been trying to run away from “me” for many years, which is why I was always trying to classify myself somehow. I was a graduate student, I was a teacher, I was a consultant, I was everything I could be besides just me.
I was never ready to accept “just me” because the me that I was in any given moment was usually not the me I thought I should be. Still now, even though I’ve accepted & grown to love my life now, which is different from the “life” I always thought I would have, the “who am I” and “what have I done with my life” questions creep back in and sometimes take hold for a few days.
Which is what happened recently, when I noticed I was trying to fit myself into a box again; to classify myself. This time, into the Minimalist box.
I’ve never honestly called myself a “minimalist” because I don’t think I am one. Yet. But I did realize after trying to work out a capsule wardrobe last weekend, that I was trying too hard to do something I didn’t want to; and I was comparing myself to other “minimalist” bloggers who do capsule wardrobes well.
In the midst of it all, I had a small break-down (which I am wont to do) and it took my husband and a sports analogy to bring everything back home for me, making me see what I was doing.
On a more fundamental level though, I guess I am still trying to define myself as something other than what I am – to come up with a way to classify myself that sounds better than just human being. Which I realize, of course, is all that any of us are. Yes, right now, I am a wife, and an entrepreneur, I’m a writer and a Pure Barre fanatic, but underneath it all, when all of that is gone, I’m Grechen.
And at the heart of it, as “just” Grechen, I am thoughtful, kind, passionate, and working very hard on living a more full life with less stuff. But as I’ve said before, and you have said too, it’s all about the journey, the path, and the process. There is no end game here, well, until the end. So I might as well enjoy the journey as myself, whoever I am at that moment, while it lasts.