Since September 1, I’ve purchased/added to my wardrobe:
Goldsign jeans
James Perse shirt dress
James Perse cashmere short sleeve shirt
James Perse Yosemite items
James Perse long sleeve tee
James Perse twill pants
James Perse fleece skirt – via eBay
James Perse maxi dress – birthday present from Leo
James Perse fleece bomber jacket – birthday present from my father and step-mom
Everlane Cashmere moss v-neck sweater
Everlane chunky knit turtleneck
Everlane ryan long sleeve tee
Everlane Chunky knit “boyfriend” cardigan
Everlane heather gray u-neck tee
Everlane cashmere tunic sweater
Everlane cashmere black v-neck sweater – gave to my sister
Everlane Loafers
Vince tank top
Vince turtleneck sweater – gift from Leo
Vince perforated Blair sneakers
Madewell scarf
Madewell Sweater – returned, which is how I bought the scarf
Inhabit Wool cardigan
Nike jacket – birthday present from my father & step-mom
Rag & Bone Aston booties – haven’t arrived yet, my newest purchase
During this period, I got rid of about twice as many items, but this still feels like A LOT of things to add, especially since I’m trying to cull my wardrobe even more. And at least I’ve kept within my budget. But…
I have a big-old shopping hangover. I’m worn out, frustrated, and a little disappointed in myself.
Why, though? Why have I added the things I have, and then, why do I feel so “bad” about it afterwards? Why when I think about my closet, my wardrobe, do I still feel frustrated? What’s the big deal as long as I’m cycling things out as I add things in? Why am I beating myself up about it?
Well….
- I bought things because I could, not because I needed them, or sometimes really wanted them – there’s credit in my account (Shopbop & Everlane) and I REALLY don’t like to have credit in my account “hanging” over me. I feel bad about it, because I recognize that I’m striving for the momentary, fleeting, pleasure I get from buying something NOW, vs saving for something else later. And once I’m “tired” of something, or it’s worn out, I need to replace it ASAP, I can’t wear it just a little bit longer, or make do, which also frustrates me, because I know I can do better. I know I can get more use out of things if I try.
- I bought some things because they were “good” deals – I’m still not immune to this, as much as I try not to do it. Although I did pass up buying anything with the $20 off $50 gift card Sephora sent me recently, I did buy things during the James Perse sale because they were good deals, and let’s face it, because they’re James Perse. Which leads me to…
- I bought some things because they’re James Perse. or Everlane. I think it’s time for me to admit that I may have a slight problem. I’m OBSESSED with James Perse. It’s justified, to an extent, based on my experience with the brand over the years, and I think I’ve done better with the sales recently, but I could do better still.
- I’ve bought things to get a JOLT of temporary pleasure; both at the act of purchasing, and if it’s online, when I receive the item. It’s a rush, I can’t deny it. It doesn’t last very long at all, but man…it feels good for a second. As good as eating jelly beans, or the cuatro leches cake I love at La Duni. But you know what happens when you eat too much sugar? You go into a sugar coma, and inevitably get sluggish, sick, and feel really bad about yourself. Same with buying, I’ve found.
A tangent, but relevant: My mother doesn’t eat sugar. Since before I was born, she swore off deserts, candy, etc., and NEVER touched them. During the summers we would go to Kentucky to visit my grandparents and make homemade ice cream, and she would eat a bite or two, maybe, which always stunned my sister and I, but otherwise, she just NEVER ate anything sweet. It wasn’t until I got much older that I asked her why, and she told me that once she ate something sweet (unnaturally sweet, not fruit), she couldn’t stop herself from eating more, until it was gone. So she just decided she wasn’t going to indulge in sweets anymore. End of story. And still today, it’s shocking when she does eat a bite of desert.
Of course that should have resonated with me earlier on, but as those of us of a certain age recognize, we don’t really start to change, or are truly ready to accept quite a lot of things until we’re over 40. Now, absolutely, I recognize what I have to do, not only with regard to sugar, but also with buying new clothes – just STOP.
I’m tired of setting myself up for failure. I’m tired of the self-sabotage I indulge in constantly by buying jelly beans, or cookies, or clothes. I don’t want to do it anymore.
So, now is the time for me to swear off sugar. No more deserts, candy, ice cream, frozen yogurt, gelato…I just want to FEEL good all the time; feeling good & eating sugar are mutually exclusive. Which leads me back around to my buying “problem.”
Is it time for a “ban”? I think so. Not a shopping ban though, a buying ban. I have proven to myself since my husband and I implemented a more strict household budget that I CAN shop without buying. But I can do better. I NEED to do better. I want to do better.
I have never fully accepted that I DO have enough
The absolute truth is, that I have enough. I’ve said that before, and it’s been true before, but I have never fully accepted that I DO have enough. And honestly, it scares me to think that I have enough. What then?
it scares me to think that I have enough. What then?
I’ve never really FELT the reality that here is what I have, and it is enough. I am enough. I am truly grateful for all that I have. Now is the time for me to “sit” with that. To fully accept it. And I think a buying ban will help (MAKE) me do that. Accept my reality, and remember that clothing is not armor, nor will it EVER make me feel good enough.
I’ve never really FELT the reality that here is what I have, and it is enough. I am enough.
I am absolutely happy and satisfied with the clothes I have right now. I have what I need, I have what I want, and I can’t imagine “needing” to buy anything in the near future. My “need” to buy things is purely emotional. Again, it’s the idea that if I buy this, or that, THEN I will be good enough. THEN, I will look like I have it all together, when really, I don’t. THEN, I will be good enough. But NOW I am good enough.
And even though I KNOW this, down deep inside, I still struggle with it. I still indulge in my emotional need to buy or have things that will create an outward appearance (in my opinion, anyway) of being the perfect, happy, human being.
So I think that now, if I do not allow myself to indulge in buying more, in buying what I don’t need, because I already have (am) enough, then hopefully I’ll start to believe it. Practice makes perfect. And as I’ve said before, I know that gratitude is a practice; I know that you have to feel grateful everyday, practice gratitude by saying “I am thankful” everyday until it becomes routine, until it becomes reality.
So my practice now, will be not to buy.
Instead of buying new clothes, I will wear what I have.
Instead of buying something NOW, I will wait.
Instead of living in scarcity and deprivation, I will live in abundance.
My new mantra (or old, really) is I have enough – I am enough.
**As for the technicalities of my “buying ban”: there are none. I’m not making any rules or setting a time limit. I’m simply telling myself that I am enough, and that I don’t need ___________ (fill in the blank with whatever it is that I want to buy at the moment) right now. My practice will be to live in the abundance that I already have.
I WILL still accept items to review from companies I believe in. I may make mistakes, or slip up a little, but my goal is NOT to buy any new clothes for a while. I need to lose at least 20 more pounds, so ultimately, I am telling myself I don’t need anything new until I reach that goal. I think it’s do-able, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it if falter a little bit. I have the power to do the right thing, and to learn from it. Once I’ve learned what I need to, and feel good about moving forward, I’ll start buying again.
Have you ever implemented a buying ban? How did it work out? What did you learn from it? Are you feeling as hungover as me after all the recent sales?
See The Minimal Closet in the WSJ! Then read more in The Minimal Closet series (new posts biweekly):
I did a shopping ban once…I think it was a month or two. Unfortunately, I just made up for it by shopping more once the ban was lifted, which, of course, negates the whole thing. For me, it’s better to work toward making better choices, rather than going cold turkey. The same goes for eating — if I try an extreme diet (which I have), I’m more likely to yo-yo.
It sounds like you have a healthy mindset going into this, so I’m sure it will work for you!
Thanks for being so honest Gretchen, but don’t be too hard on yourself. As long as you/we are aware and trying, I think that is pretty good. I tried a shopping ban for a couple of months, but like Jessica, I probably made up for it due to some good sales, etc. At this time of the year, we bag up decent clothes to donate to a local Christmas charity where they prepare a meal and give out clothes. Every year I think ‘wow, I had that many things that I bought that no longer fit or I don’t wear anymore’? It happened again this year so maybe it will be a better gauge to see how much I donate next year. I know I’m making some better buying choices in terms of quality and flattering fit, but I sure can do alot better. I really appreciated your post today : )
Wow….it was like reading my own thoughts reading this! Just last night I emailed my ‘James Perse’ (I am in Australia, and addicted to Sportscraft) and asked them to take me off their email list and I ‘unliked’ them on Facebook to remove the constant temptation to see what was on sale this week, new in etc etc. I have also been put on the ‘no sugar’ diet to deal with my increasing weight and digestive issues. I have just bought one pair of ‘aspirational’ pants that I aim to fit into when I go back to work in late January, but I need a shopping ban! I have been minimising for about 4 years now and finally have gotten down to a total wardrobe of about 100 items…and it IS enough. It is more than enough in fact and any further shopping would only be to feed an emotional need I realise.
I’m not on a buying ban per se, but I’m definitely on a mall ban until .. Feb… maybe March. I just can’t shop in picked over, clothing on the floor, or packed clearance racks. I sound spoiled, but I find shopping pleasurable and ugh, I’m not a fan of holiday shopping.
I can understand when you say “I have enough” .. I think that too and then I look at my closet and say – I have nothing to wear .. lol. So I’m trying to wear different combinations of clothing items and if they don’t work .. then it’s a donation.
Perhaps you can shop seasonally .. for example, you can add three new items this spring, 4 items for summer .. etc.
Monica.
Ugh, this is me right now. I have no words of wisdom to offer, just sympathy. 😉
I’m returning as much as I can and unsubscribing from all those sale emails. Re-instating my policy on not buying anything non-returnable.
I unfortunately just looked at the James Perse resort pics and want everything.
Ok, I have ONE small piece of advice–spend some time styling new outfits with what you have. When I spend a little time going through what I have and trying on some new outfits, it makes me remember how much I do have already.
This JP look from resort is totally one you have all the pieces to recreate yourself:
http://www.jamesperse.com/womens-resort-look-7
i do that ALL the time – literally – I’ll spend an hour our so pretty frequently just playing with outfits, and interestingly enough, i think it frustrates me more – because i have so many amazing things, things I really love, that I can’t possibly wear enough.
and yeah, i’ve been obsessed with the new JP for a while now – that kimono cardigan KILLS ME. i have worn an iteration of that exact outfit you linked to recently with my sleeveless maxi dress and long black lululemon cardigan. but of course, i think i need that new t-shirt maxi dress also. in a color other than black…
that may happen to me too, but i’ve never tried a shopping “ban” – so i have no idea 😉 it used to be the case for me and dieting though, and i’ve managed to recently kick that (i’ve kept my weight off for more than a year), so this may actually work for me! here’s hoping.
thank you for your comment! i know i’m being hard on myself, but i’ve joked before, that if there was an olympic medal for beating yourself up, i’d win gold every time 🙂 i’m pretty good at that!!
i do also know I can do a lot better, which is why i am still frustrated. but i know that i’m ALSO doing better than i was last year…so progress…
thanks for your comment holly, and good luck on your sugar/shopping diet. i hope we’ll make progress together 🙂
All I can say is that I’m in solidarity with you. I feel sick from shopping too much, too, knowing that I really can’t afford it and I, too, HAVE ENOUGH. Am I willing to trade off my future security for a new sweater? Shirt? Makeup? Apparently, yes.
A shopping ban sounds like a good idea, but I’m not sure that I would stick to it. I know I’m capable of curtailing my shopping habit, but I don’t really want to, do I? Or I’d stick to a budget. It would also mean banning myself from the computer and tossing out catalogs before looking at them. No more fashion and beauty magazines, either. And there’s ALWAYS something new, cute…something I just MUST have!
It’s really a question of WHEN I’m going to get it under control, cuz it’s not really working for me now.
You are conscious of the problem, and awareness is the beginning of change! Kudos to you for doing so well with keeping the weight off….I’ve done it and it’s not easy. It also means that you’re very capable of change in the right mindset.
I really like the idea of seasonal shopping, Monica. I think I could wrap my brain (and willpower!) around that.
I really need to do this more often, Jen, and I think my Pinterest boards could help me do this. What good is pinterest if I just keep pinning and don’t try anything out in real life?!?
While I acquire a steady lot of items from thrifting at weekly intervals, I purge the same or more. I tend to understand my own style better through wearing or trying out garments, new directions. Sometimes I arrive at a point where there are too many good choices and I voluntarily stop acquiring and work more intensively with what I have. Nevertheless, I do understand that clothing is a great pleasure (hubby says it’s a hobby, including “remanufacturing clothing to your specifications”, but I spend a lot of time with it. A lot of looking and thinking about and experimenting. Still, none of the conventional shopaholic conditions/problems applies to me – don’t have body image problems, enjoy my physicality no matter what the weight or shape, don’t overspend, don’t go into debt, don’t shop instead of paying bills, don’t hide purchases, often eagerly wear what I got right away, don’t shop out of anger or revenge or to lift mood. So what I notice in reading over material from the experts is a pattern similar to what they say about gambling or alcoholism – gambling supposed to be about the losing and alcoholism about the hangover and the awful misdeeds. In other words, it’s the drama in the failure and beating oneself up.
I think this is true in the same way about overshopping problems. They payoff of overshopping is in being “allowed” to be mean to oneself – finding a reason that one “deserves” that – or for some folks perhaps in exulting at how bad/rebellious they are.
Jessica and I have similar experiences when we forbid ourselves from something. I, too, hold out for a while, then more than make up for it. This especially happens with sweets. I resist, resist, and resist. Then I eat three times as much of whatever it was I wanted in the first place. I don’t even enjoy the last two thirds. However, Grechen, your experience may be more like your mother’s. I wish you luck with the shopping ban, dessert ban, and the weight loss. I am in awe of how great you look. It’s wonderful to see it happen over the months you’ve sweated through it.
Which brings me to my next point. If you had been born with perfect impulse control and no frivolous inclinations, I think this blog would be a lot less interesting. Just saying.
Also, I want to mention people tend to wait FAR TOO LONG to donate clothing to charity. Seriously most of the stuff that gets donated is put in the trash. Please, everybody, if it has holes or stains that won’t come out in the wash, or just looks totally faded, why would someone want to buy it?
I just checked out those Rag & Bone Acton Boots, and they look FANTASTIC. If I had credit at Shopbop, I would buy them!
they are AMAZING. i mean, i don’t have them yet, but i tried them on and they seemed to fit beautifully. AND i got them to price match ssense’s sale price of $288!!!!!
haha! you’re right about this blog being less interesting if i was perfect 🙂
and thank you.
excellent point about donations also.
that’s a great point about understanding your style better by trying out new directions – i definitely do that. which is why i don’t mind cycling things in and out over time – i don’t think i could ever be perfectly happy with one constant wardrobe for more than a couple of years. that doesn’t mean that i can’t learn to be more satisfied and content with what I do have for longer though…which is what i strive for…
OK. I’ll have what she’s ?? having!!!
What a great post – and I completely agree with you. The similarities (for me) between sugar and shopping are right on. I generally don’t eat sugar. This holiday season I have had an eggnog or 2, had a few desserts and am now plotting to swing by the candy bowl in people’s offices. For me, sugar is addictive – the more I eat, the more I want. Shopping is the same. The less I shop, the less i want to shop – the more I shop, the more I want to buy. Stating with the Thanksgiving sales, i have been on a shopping/buying bender and I feel how you do. January is no shop, no sugar month. I usually take January off form shopping and I’ll be doing it again!
Vildy makes an interesting point — I feel, at times, that I can justify how much I love to shop (and thrift) because I have never gone into debt or mismanaged money, and even though I had an eating disorder for many years, it was never about body image, per se. It was about control. And *certainly* it was about giving myself permission to be mean to myself. Now that I’ve been healthy for quite a few years, I can see that much of my behavior came from this very impulse — I did not “deserve” to be happy and I certainly didn’t “deserve” to eat, and now I don’t ‘deserve’ to have nice things because I can do without, right? There are so many people who have so much less than I do, right? It’s silly to spend an afternoon shopping when I could be reading, or writing, or oh-my-god working, right?! These thoughts are so pervasive, and they lead straight down a well of self-loathing. I tried doing a shopping ban earlier this year and couldn’t do it. Like, I couldn’t even go a week. I felt so bad about myself! At one point, my husband kind of pulled me aside and he said, “Listen, you LIKE to shop. Why would you not do it? It’s one of the things that relaxes you the most!”
I sort of reeled from that, because I spend so much in-my-own-head time feeling guilty for spending $18-$20, even though I sold my novel this year and have more income than I ever did! There were times when I DID have to watch my spending much more closely, and I certainly am in no position to spend a ton of money, but the fact is my financial situation is much better this year and will be for the next couple of years, due to MY OWN EFFORT, so why do I still feel so guilty about buying a $24 secondhand pair of amazing real leather leggings? But I do 🙁
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, I suppose just that finding a balance is so hard, and I love love love how transparent you are here at this blog and how open and vulnerable you are about everything — shopping, body image, failures, successes — it’s what makes your writing (and thus your blog) so very special.
I think the key to “staying strong” on a shopping ban is to remove temptation. Like a previous commenter said, you need to unsubscribe from emails, newsletters, etc. Don’t go online or to the mall “just to browse”. Stay away from Pinterest In other words, we’re all human and prone to temptation, but I’ve found that if I remove all of these shopping triggers then I’m in a better position to succeed.
It’s a real skill (not sure if that’s the right word) to be happy with what you have and content that it’s enough.
Good luck!
I’ve tried shopping bans and they haven’t worked for me — similar to diets or banning sugar. I do better when I take my day meal by meal, minute by minute — not rushing through, just eating healthfully and stopping when I’m full. I haven’t been doing well with all the holiday cookies and such — I’m up a few pounds and pants are tight and uncomfortable. I’m trying to learn that the impulse not to shop or eat comes from within me — when I’m feeling balanced and centered. I really like your mantra about having and being enough — that and a deep breath might slow me down when I’m barreling toward food or a store.
I was very, very tempted by the James Perse sale but I couldn’t get past the no return policy. I’m still a little upset because I *want* the gauze dress and the tunic length tank in several colors — but I always have to try on a few sizes to get it right with James Perse. So, I resisted, but it was very difficult. I missed the adrenalin rush of ordering and waiting for the package to arrive. And it would have been fun to share my purchases with everyone here — I missed the camaraderie.
I took the money I would have spent and transferred it to my savings account as a sort of reward to myself. I’m really trying to get as much pleasure from watching my savings account grow as I do from shopping — that may never happen but one can dream… In the meantime, I’m de-acquiring things by selling on eBay and I plan to use that money for something special for myself.
Shopping seasonally sounds wonderful and I’d love to get to that point where I’m actually planning my wardrobe instead of reacting to deals and sales online and in stores. Cheers to you, Gretchen, for being so honest about this journey!
I live 15 miles out of town off a windy mountain road. So I don’t shop in town much but the internet is my temptation. I have been unsubscribing myself from tempting stores online. Shopping is one of my last few addictions. If I practice HALT, don’t shop when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired I do better. Its all a process. Fortunately I have a forgiving husband. It is irritating ???? because he says he trusts me to do better. So its really all on me. PS I love James Perse too???? Mary
wait, do we have the same husband?? 🙂
mine has always pushed me that way also, and i thank him for it, because it makes me own my mistakes, as well as my successes.
the internet is my temptation also…obviously…but i can’t unsubscribe, i still love what i do – THIS – and i need to figure out a way to make it all work together.
wow…i love what you said about camaraderie – that’s huge! it’s also a big reason why i shop, and do what i do – i channeled my passion for online shopping into this blog, and found a community. i could never let that go. i see that it’s morphing now, into something more than just talking about shopping. but still, i DO LOVE to shop, and still want to talk about it!
i’d like to shop seasonally also, in-season of course, and perhaps that’s the best solution for me, try to just shop every three months, with a plan. (that’s always been hard for me though!)
yes, i do generally agree, but i can’t not go online 😉
i still love what i do, which is talk about shopping. and i love to provide a resource for getting better deals for online shopping. so i can’t/won’t stop altogether – but i think i AM trying to find a practical balance.
that’s what i’ve told myself too. i paid off credit card debt and haven’t used credit cards in 10 years, so i wasn’t going into debt by shopping BUT i wasn’t saving money either – i have NOTHING for retirement, or emergencies, or ANYTHING. so for me, it definitely qualified as a problem….
and i do/did the same thing – about “deserving” to be, or not to be happy, or have this, or that. I still do it to a certain extent when i’m faced with shopping, or going to a cafe, or doing SOMETHING ‘mindless’ or silly, or just because i want to. i have to justify it somehow. and i’ve always justified shopping/buying as “work” – so it was okay, sort of. But still…i am so hard on myself. i can’t even let myself really enjoy a bath without thinking about something productive i COULD be doing, other than bathing 😉
Thank you so much for your comment, and all of your comments – they’re so valuable, and i appreciate that you take the time to leave them. and CONGRATULATIONS on selling your novel!! wow…
haha! i definitely over-indulged in cookies and pie during thanksgiving. and then jelly beans when we got back. JELLY BEANS…what is it about them?? they are evil 😉
WOW, I didn’t know you got the price match!!! I would never have thought to check them. I need to be more diligent about checking your tips page. And you already tried the boots on and know they’ll fit?! Those boots are seriously, classically beautiful. I’m glad somebody who will fully appreciate them bought them.
I would like to hear how comfy the shaft is and whether the lacing up the front makes it more comfortable than other boots you have. It’s a style I’ve always coveted. Not frivolous like a very high heeled boot, but very feminine nevertheless.
I’ll keep an eye out for them next season, when I have boot money. Maybe they’ll do it again, just changing the color a bit or something minor like that.
I know for myself that a lot of my over-shopping comes being bored and lonely. Doing something healthier like going hiking just isn’t that much fun (or safe) by yourself, but meandering through the mall kills time and gives me little presents that I deserve but don’t get from anyone else. Plus, in SoCal there is always a mall relatively close, but the drive to the beach might take an hour with traffic and everyone hates traffic!
I think you are on the right track by wanting to change, but I also think sometimes we overanalyze an issue, especially something that we see as a weakness in ourselves, and by obsessing over it, and don’t really make any progress. I’m in a design field and designers are trained to figure out ways to get past creative blocks by stepping back from the problem, changing our focus for awhile and coming back to it later. It almost always gives you the clarity you need because you either can see a new solution or you realize that it wasn’t a very big problem in the first place. I think you already do this by putting your out of season clothes out of sight to help you decide what to purge, but you could do it on a bigger scale. Your main sponsors clothing sources above are James Perse, Shopbop and Everlane. You love all your James Perse clothes and you’ve been really mediocre on all your Everlane this year. I think you should take a break from buying anything that you can’t try on in person first. That would leave you JP and SB, since you can try on the SB brands elsewhere before you buy, so you won’t feel deprived. Also, (you may already do this and just not write about it) stop buying things for yourself because you want to use up your store credits and use the store credits purchase gifts for your loved ones. Directing my shopping energy towards getting really nice gifts for my friends and family makes me feel a lot more satisfied than buying myself stuff. One other strategy that I’ve been thinking of is filling my after work time with a class — I’ve been thinking pottery, but you could do something related to your fashion interests like sewing, jewelry making, etc.
Have you ever considered shopping for others? If you’ve got that Shopbop or Everlane credit piling up- go on a shopping spree; with the explicit intention of donating everything you buy to Dress for Success, or a local women’s shelter, or another good cause.
Threefold win! The fun of shopping, no credit hanging over your head, and doing something really excellent for someone in need.
I just found this year-long (!) wardrobe challenge from a sewing pattern blog. It sounds interesting – not because I’m great at sewing, but more because it aims to focus you on a style, and get you thinking about what clothing looks best on you, and what you really want to be wearing! I’m going to try it out. It has the structure that I need to stick with something (worksheets, exercises, etc)
http://www.coletterie.com/wardrobe-architect/wardrobe-architect-2015
I’m always working on purging and defining my style. I think reading more of your thoughts will be helpful and fun. Thanks
All I can thinks about now is OMG what is your shopping budget if all of that was within it, and who knew blogging paid so well. Wow.
here is a link to my budget post FYI – and if you do a search, you’ll see where i talk more about my budget in different posts
i have $200 a month discretionary money. i earn credit a shopbop every month by posting their widget. i also earn credit at everlane when someone makes their first purchase. and you can see that i mentioned that that was over three months. nearly everything there was purchased at shopbop or everlane using only credit i earn, or gifts (as i mentioned) and then i used a little of my discretionary money.