A familiar refrain. I’ve certainly said it my share of times: buy what you love, wear what you love, keep what you love. There’s no room in your life for things you don’t love…
But I’ve gotten rid of things I loved.
I’ve not bought things I loved.
I’ve not worn things I love.
I don’t think I’ve ever bought something I didn’t love. So, it can’t be that we should just all buy what we love, or else we’d buy everything. We can love a lot of things, it doesn’t mean we should own them all.
How, then, do you find the intersection of love and practicality in a thing? How do you decide that something you love is practical enough to fit into your everyday life, and that you should therefore add it to your wardrobe? And then, how do you decide when something isn’t practical at all, but brings such a smile to your face, and “sparks joy*” in your heart that you should buy it or keep it anyway? Is there a formula?
(no, I don’t think there is a formula, but there is a process, and a way to find balance)
What does love mean, anyway, when you’re referring to a thing? How do you measure it? by how it makes you feel? by how it makes you look? both? If you were like me after losing weight, everything looked good on my new body, I felt great in everything, and therefore…you got it, I bought everything. Where is all of that now? Most of it is gone. Purged.
I did love those things, once, and I think they served their purpose : they taught me that I don’t NEED to buy everything that fits, or that looks good on me. Which meant I could happily get rid of them.
But assuming you’re trying to keep a small-ish wardrobe, and avoid the overwhelming feeling of having too much – how do you avoid buying everything you love going forward?
Honestly, I’m not really sure – I’m still learning my way around this one, but I think the key lies in finding the intersection between
Buying what you love +
Buying what fits your reality
Love, I think, means that an item “sparks joy” (I can’t think of a better phrase than that, thank you Mari Kondo).
Reality, in general, is not only where you are in your life right now: what you are doing every day, the climate, your budget, etc., but also WHO you are right now. Do you only wear certain colors lately? Hove you stopped wearing heels in favor of flats? How has your style evolved over the last couple of years? As you purged your closet, what did you notice about the things you got rid of? And then, what did you notice about the things you decided to keep?
A personal example: I am very peculiar about wearing “colors” together. Generally, if I’m wearing gray in any item of clothing, I will make a point NOT to wear my gray shoes. Similarly, if I’m wearing an olive green sweater, or my military green jacket, I will probably not want to wear an olive green bag, or pair of shoes.
I know this about myself; it is my reality. I try very hard to fight against it sometimes, because I know it’s ridiculous. But I hardly ever succeed.
This was where I became stumped when I was trying to decide whether or not to get the PS1 in dark olive recently (yes, I know, world’s smallest violin…). I’d go through scenarios in my head where I’d want to wear jeans, a white t-shirt and my military style olive green jacket – would I wear the dark olive PS1? Or would I have to change it out for a black bag? If I would have to change it out, would I resent that I had to do so? Would I regret that I hadn’t simply gotten a black bag, so it would go with everything, in every situation?
Obviously this gets back to my anxiety about having the “right” things in my wardrobe – things that all “go” together. Things which, in theory, assuming I’d chosen correctly, I could pick a top, a bottom, and an outer layer from without even looking, and an outfit would come together “effortlessly.” <- Why would I want to even DO that?? This methodology has its merits, but at a certain point, becomes overkill, and my over-analyzation/anxiety surrounding whether or not to add a thing becomes exhausting, defeating the purpose of having a well-curated wardrobe in the first place. I KNOW I have a cohesive wardrobe of things that work exceptionally well together, EVEN with the addition of an olive green bag. And as you know now, I got the bag. And I love it. It also happens to work very well in my wardrobe. And so, in one last analysis, I devised a multi-step process to use to help me make such decisions about what to buy:
- identifying something I love that I might want to buy (either in person or online. If it’s in person, I’ll try it on, touch it, etc)
- thinking about it for a moment, determining whether or not I want to keep it on my “list” (in person, this happens after I try it on to see if it fits/looks like I want it to)
- sitting with it, letting it settle in (waiting to buy it – I usually implement a 24-hour waiting period…)
- trying it out in my head with the things I already own
- making a decision about whether to buy/keep or not (here’s where, if I buy online, I’ll wait until I receive it to make a final decision – but honestly, lately, I don’t buy a lot online that I’m not already relatively sure of, either having tried it on in person first, or being familiar with the brand)
- buy it, or don’t buy it, keep it or don’t keep it, but finally, letting go, sending any reservations or misgivings down the river in the canoe, peacefully, and never to be seen again…
As long as we are thoughtful, and intentional about what we choose to buy or keep in our wardrobes, we will be content. And feel like we are surrounded by things we love. It is when we stop thinking altogether, OR, when we OVER-THINK to the point of exhaustion, that our lives and our closets become cluttered.
Life is too precious and short not to be surrounded by things you love, and also to beat yourself up about your decisions. Let go. Move on, and enjoy the thing you chose to buy for as long as you can.
How do you make decisions about when to buy what you love, even if it tends to “go against your reality”? What is your process? How do you reconcile love and practicality if they conflict?
*I’m FINALLY reading Mari Kondo’s “The Life-changing magic of tidying up,” from which this phrase comes. I’ll have a full book review later…
See The Minimal Closet in the WSJ! Then read more in The Minimal Closet series (new posts Thursdays):
A timely post as I am purging more items in my wardrobe to only owning things that I love and wear often. A few exceptions of course but winding down those exceptions to really just a few, not 30.
Buying for my reality continues to be trying for me, as I always have to make a very conscious effort to not get swayed by my fantasizes when I find something I love but would never wear for my casual lifestyle. I’ve owned too many of those in my time which is why I’m constantly getting rid of more things. Selling, giving away donating and back again.
Anything that is slightly fussy, ever so slightly uncomfortable or stiff or too slinky has all gone out the door. I hate adjusting what I’m wearing, feeling self-conscious that it is out of place – collars that are too bulky, too wide. Materials that stick to my body or make me itch. (All Isabel Marant sweaters are now sold and gone!)
Things that have remained in my closet for more than a year are not very many. Two items that I rarely wear but still absolutely love and will never get rid of have been there for more than 4 years. The common denominator are unique design, exceptional quality and extremely comfortable. I try to buy most things with those three points in mind but it takes me awhile to decide if it works with the rest of my wardrobe. I’m getting better at it, especially when I remind myself how often will I wear it in my life right now. Usually I end up putting it back on the rack or calling the courier to return the parcel to the store.
Yikes, you’ve left us with some good questions. I don’t think I have a history of making good decisions about what to buy when it goes against my reality. I mean…clearly I don’t buy everything I love. I love a lot of things. But like you, everything I have in my closet is there because I fell in love with it at some point.
Interestingly, I just finished reading Marie Kondo’s book last weekend and am about to start her tidying system tomorrow. I’m terrified! I am terrified to discover what doesn’t ‘spark joy’. I’m terrified to let go of the things I love. And I’m terrified that I will lie to myself and pretend I am happy about stuff that I am not. I have a lot of items I feel like I “should” love….like my James Perse purchases from the last 12 months, most of them have something off with the fit and they are all almost brand new. I do like that instead of choosing what stays and what goes as being an intellectual decision (“I should get rid of this”), I can allow myself to respond to something and allow it to respond its place in my home. And, it gives me a chance to be grateful for everything I have. I really am grateful (if foolish). I am hoping that with practice, I can learn to pay attention to how I respond to things (and they respond to me) *before* I buy. That way, my current realities can be invited in and play a part in the bigger picture of ‘sparking joy’…if that makes sense.
My hunch is that what I love will become a broader category for me and that all of this (^) will become a part of my process.
Well, I’m not sure I have a process .. I look for clothing that catches my eye, try it on ( do all my weird bending poses in the dressing room – thank GAWD there’s no cameras! ) .. and if the price is reasonable, buy it. When I started my blog, I stared buying things for “show” and those ended up in the Goodwill pile (what a waste of $$). I don’t do that anymore 🙂
Monica.
MonicaP´s last blog post ..Lata Tee from Anthropology
Grechen – at what point in your decision process is trying it on and seeing if you like the fit/look on your body?
lately, that comes before i even decide to buy something, or add it to my “list” since i’ve really been trying to buy only what i can touch/feel/try on in person first. but you’re right – i should have put it there, either with “trying it out in my head” or if i buy online, trying it on at home to make sure it fits like i want it to…
i’m going to edit the post to clarify!
i’m scared to try it too!! i’m going to do it on Sunday i think – so i can get up early and start fresh, with my coffee. i do better and am MUCH less emotional in the mornings!!
i like what she says though about touching things and dumping them all out on the floor though. i’ve never done that before. i think it will make a difference – seeing everything out, and then touching things, etc., to decide whether or not i should keep them- if they spark joy…
i KNOW there are lots of things i’m holding on to – not only just clothes, books, etc., that i should get rid of. the problem with me then is what do i do with things i don’t want anymore? how do i get rid of them? sell them, donate them, give them to my sister? (although i know she frowns on that!!)
i can’t wait to try it, with everything in my house – and see what happens. how exciting 🙂 and yes, very terrifying…
here’s to being honest with ourselves. there are no “shoulds” – not even with james perse!!!
wendy, it sounds like you’re getting very good at knowing what works for you, and what doesn’t!
i too, have a hard time with anything that is “fussy” – but usually those things tend to be my most unique pieces, and therefore harder to get rid of, because i think they add some “interest” to my wardrobe. but not if i don’t wear them….
I’m going to try your strategy and get up really early tomorrow with coffee!!! So scared! And YES, knowing what to do with the things that don’t spark joy is a huge obstacle for me. eBay and online consignment has hardly been worth it, my Vince and Inhabit cashmere going for about $10-$15. (Cheaper than Target sweaters…buyers should note!) I don’t have family nearby to give them things. My friends would be horrified that I had so many sweaters to begin with, so I am not going to knock on doors. 🙂 I have thought that I should mail my JP long sleeve black drape neck sweatshirt to you since you said you prefer the longer sleeves. Turns out I am a boat neck girl, not a drape neck girl. (And tomorrow I will thank that sweatshirt for teaching me that #konmari).
Looking forward to your book review eventually.
Thanks! I had this whole other part of my comment (which I deleted) about how I often fantasize (and pin) clothing that I haven’t (and probably won’t, in most cases) try on. So I give it real estate in my brain for no good reason. Sometimes pinning helps me figure out what style I’m gravitating towards, esp for specific things like an event or a packing list, but on the other hand, sometimes Pinterest is the worst thing in the world for a recovering shopaholic….Or fat person trying to lose weight.
I have been trying to get rid of things that I don’t love. With a spark. Or whatever amount of passion I feel necessary that day…
oh, i stay far away from pinterest, mostly because i get sucked down the rabbit hole of perfectly curated (I daresay designed for pinning) blogger photos and bathroom counter tops. i did try to use it to keep track of things i found that i loved, but that’s really what the blog is for….so i quit. and anyway, i couldn’t keep up.
i love what you said about giving it real estate in your brain – and for no good reason. that’s something i have a hard time with too…i spend much too long thinking about something. for what??? it takes up precious space and time, for no good reason. which is sort of how i feel about pinterest. and facebook sometimes too, let’s be honest…
The universe must be trying to teach me something this week. Surely it’s not an accident that I read this post in the same week as Debbie Roes’ January accountability post, both of which suggest figuring out WHY you purge certain items and keep others. If the answer is as simple as “it didn’t fit,” then I guess the next question is “Why did I fill my closet with things that don’t fit me now, have never fit, and will likely NEVER fit?” This deeper level of thinking about my motivations for wardrobe-related decisions is so helpful, and I’m grateful to you and Debbie for this latest insight!
Your struggle with the olive bag was funny to me.. I would buy the olive jacket, spend days searching for matching olive shoes and a bag, end up spending too much on the entire outfit, and then only wear it once or twice because I was saving it “for something special.” In fact, I did this last year, starting with a great tomato red jacket I found on sale at GAP. By the time I found matching flats (over $200) and a purse (over $100) my ‘cheap’ jacket had cost me almost $400. Probably a symptom of my age (mid-50’s) but I truly love things that match, especially a pop of the same color repeated throughout an outfit of neutrals. My daughter’s worst threat to me is that she’ll bury me in an outfit that doesn’t match if she’s mad at me when I die!
isn’t it funny how different we all are?? i love it…you want to match everything, and i don’t!! both sides of the same coin though, i think. we just need to find the balance.
that’s an interesting point you bring up though – that you buy something you love, then have to buy MORE to go with it. i have done that SO MANY TIMES!!! another topic, for another day though!! 🙂
I read Marie Kondo’s book in the fall and immediately was motivated to purge my entire house (I even had to take a holiday day from work the first weekend I started because I couldn’t stop!). I have been working on it for about 3 months now and have seen huge changes in how much more relaxed I feel at home. I never thought I could get rid of my beloved books or sentimental knickknacks but once I thought about the last time I actually used or looked at these items in the end I was able to let them go and I haven’t looked back!
I am still working on my clothing – not that I had a lot, but I had a lot of stuff that I liked but wasn’t suited to my body type so in the end the items really didn’t spark joy when on my body. I have been slowly trying on things and culling everything that doesn’t scream “yes” when I put it on. I’m not much of a shopper (your fall purchases were more than I spent on clothing over the past couple of years!) but I love to hang on to stuff and try to make it work even when clearly it was designed for someone 5’10” and willowy (which I am not!). I always felt if I spent money on it then I should wear/use it even if the cost is clutter and feeling good in what I wear – but no more. It’s a work in progress but it feels so good to love how everything in my closet looks on me!
If you’re feeling bad about where all the stuff might go I can tell you what I did – I donated all of my furniture and household stuff to a local organization that supports women leaving situations of domestic violence. My clothing went to a social enterprise store that benefits a women’s organization where I’m on the board. Almost nothing actually went into the garbage as there is always someone who would appreciate everything we don’t use anymore – this made me feel even better about giving so much away and I hope it does for you as well!
I think I’m getting better at deciphering what I truly “love” in clothing, or rather, what brings me joy. It’s a process (I’m not afraid to return that which is “meh”!), and at this rate, by the time I’m 90, I’m going to be one really snazzy dresser 🙂
I need to do that part more often, Christina…the “listen to my inner feelings” and see if there’s a spark of joy or just a “this’ll do.”
Great point here, Kelly and Grechen. It hits home for me (“virtual real estate home”) and it hurts a bit to think about time wasted.
Lol!!! That’s why I say “Cremation!” No one can do my makeup better than I can do it myself!
thank you linda, for your comment! i actually purged my books/papers this weekend, and will tackle my clothes at another time, but she completely changed the way i thought about my books so that i could let them go…
my struggle with getting rid of things is trying to decide what i should offer here, because i know a lot of readers have my style and appreciate things i’m finished with, what to give to my sister, and what to donate. i never throw anything away, EVER, but i hit a roadblock sometimes when i think about how to dispose of certain things. i always default to charity, but sometimes feel “bad” for not giving readers a chance to have something they might have admired on me in the past also, so try to offer things up here also.
that sounds very self-centered, but i don’t mean it that way!!! i recently offered a cashmere sweater here and a reader who had the same one and loved it, but hers got slightly ruined in a fire, was able to give it a new home…so…that kind of thing…