Ok, so here’s the thing. I don’t have anything to wear. I’m not posting outfits every day because:
1. Some days, I just don’t get out – that’s a problem (or benefit) of working at home, but generally it’s not conducive to photographing new and interesting outfits every day!
2. I’ve gained weight recently. As I mentioned in my previous outfit of the day post, I can’t fit into my favorite jeans anymore. Well, I can FIT into them, but not comfortably, and I don’t want to take the chance that a seam will burst while I’m shopping or whatever. So, I don’t wear them very often. It’s actually so sad, it makes me want to cry, because I was so proud when I was able to buy them (roughly two years ago) and fit nicely into them without looking like a stuffed sausage. But that was then, and now, I’m back in a comfortable relationship so I’ve gained weight. Yes…that’s it; it’s a cycle with me, and I know I’m not alone (anyone?).
I lost weight after my separation/divorce in early 2005 from simply not eating and being more active. I was on my own, and developed an exercise routine that I was faithful to, and since I wasn’t really dating much yet, I didn’t eat out a lot, and I ate relatively healthy foods at home. That was the year I bought my Goldsign Desire Jeans I love so much – in the Fall of 2005. I discovered one day that I had lost weight and could fit into a pair of pants I couldn’t several months before. And I hadn’t even been trying. You see, part of “getting over” my ex-husband included realizing that I was the only person IN THE WORLD that I could count on to get me through this, and that at the end of the day, I would be the only person left (figuratively speaking of course). Divorce will do that to you…make you realize that the person you counted on most in this world to help you through life and be your partner WON’T be there anymore. Hello! This realization also taught me that I was lovely and gorgeous the way I was, whatever size or shape, and that if I could get over a divorce and get on with my life, I could do anything.
That was really the key for me though…falling in love with myself again and accepting me for me. Once that ‘clicked’ I started losing weight without even trying. So, what the hell happened???
I met my boyfriend…that’s what; we met in November of 2005 and have been going strong ever since. We had both been divorced that year and were ready to start looking ahead – and we had both recently lost the extra weight we carried around during our failing marriages. We looked HOT! But by the end of our first year together, not so much…
We were instantly comfortable with each other, and both got out of our established exercise/healthy eating routines, and it didn’t take long to start putting on pounds. You know how it is…we went out more, I didn’t want to get up first thing in the morning to go run anymore (if you get my meaning…), we were spending more and more time together, which meant less and less time to work out.
Things have balanced out now, we both woke up to what we were doing to ourselves and are working to become healthy again. At least I tell myself that….but I’m stuck. Yes, I’m back running (almost) every day again, lifting weights, some yoga, but I don’t FEEL as good about myself as I did when I was losing weight before. And here’s why…I’m trying to wear clothes that are too small for me. I have not purchased any new pants/bottoms since I can’t fit into my jeans, so I try to put them on every day thinking they will somehow fit – and they DON’T. Not even CLOSE!! And then I want to run screaming from my closet.
The hardest thing about all of this, is that I started this website to empower women to look and feel their best in their clothes NO MATTER their size, and to fill their closets with pieces they love and FIT. Where do you think “It’s not you, it’s your closet” comes from? It’s not you…you are beautiful, gorgeous, strong, and smart, it’s the clothes in your closet that are making you feel worthless, and fat. Why are you trying to fit into clothes that don’t fit? (Yes, I’m talking to you and to myself). I don’t know about you, but feeling bad about myself never leads to weight loss; it just starts a cycle of eating/self-loathing that never ends. If you set yourself up for failure, you will fail. If you set yourself up for success, you will succeed. Easy, huh?
Yet, I continue to set myself up for failure by keeping clothes that don’t fit in my closet. My closet is not filled with things I love right now (well, it is, I just don’t love them ON me), it is filled with things that don’t fit, and each piece I try on makes me feel like a failure as soon as I look in the mirror. THAT is the problem, THAT is why I’m stuck. I realize that many women purposefully buy clothes in smaller sizes when they’re trying to lose weight – just to push them harder. Maybe that works, but I don’t buy it. I know that doesn’t work for me – I need to look and feel fabulous and comfortable in my clothes to be the best I can be. And there’s nothing worse for that than having a closet FULL of clothes that you can look at, but not wear. I WANT to be able to wear all those pieces again, and I will, but in the mean time, I don’t have anything TO wear.
I want getting dressed to be fun again (cue violins here), I want to feel good in my clothes, and I want to love and BE LOVED by the clothes in my closet. NOW. Not just when I lose weight. The key to it all is love; love for yourself, your imperfect body, your soul, and your clothes. When they all come together and you live a more positive, satisfied life, the weight will melt off. Well, not really, but you get the picture. You still have to work at it, but it won’t feel like work…it will feel like love.
So, I have some shopping to do…size 14, here I come!!!