I’m wearing drop-crotch pants today, in homage to David’s Rick Owens’ shorts/pants**
(from Schitt’s Creek season 1, episode 3 – WATCH IT!!)
and as a celebration that I can wear what I want. And so can everyone else 🙂
A couple of days ago I followed a link back to a message board (NOT one known for snarky nasty comments about bloggers) where someone mentioned Grechen’s Closet as a good place for the original poster to look for inspiration on breaking out of a style rut. I should have stopped reading there, because what followed was disturbing and sad. Of course I read it all until I forced myself to close out and walk away from the computer. I took a walk to clear my head.
But what I read has been bumping around in there ever since.
Not because I feel sorry for myself for what some of the (ALL ANONYMOUS) participants said about my style, or lack thereof, but because of what they wrote/said about each other and the original poster, who was just looking for advice. I am always amazed at how nasty we can be towards each other, although I really shouldn’t be, I’ve been around the block a time or two. And I am ashamed to admit I used to read snarky forums dishing on other fashion bloggers. I stopped years ago and it has been transformational for me.
So it was kind of shocking to be back in it for a minute.
I mostly let it go, but then as I was in Pure Barre class this morning, one of the comments I remembered reading hit me over the head and nearly knocked me over:
“I didn’t think they let women who look like her (me, the commenter was talking about me) into Pure Barre”
That was the gist of it anyway.
That statement, that thought, that idea makes me so sad. Like there’s an idea out there that women who “look like me” or who aren’t tall and thin and blonde, aren’t welcome in any exercise studio. Of course that’s a perception, and I thought it too before I started, but it’s not true.
What’s even sadder though, and what really just hit me this morning, is that I’ve been thinking for months now that I should lose more weight and try to get rid of my arm fat and thick thighs so I actually LOOK like a person who’s been doing Pure Barre for five years. See, I’m about to take my 1,000th Pure Barre class, and I will have been taking Pure Barre for five years on May 8th.
Whoa.
What exactly does a person who’s been doing Pure Barre for five years look like? Me. She looks like me.
But sometimes I walk in the studio and I think everyone’s judging me, thinking, man, she’s been doing Pure Barre for five years (not that everyone there even knows that..)? Why does she still have underarm flaps? And look at that roll of fat around her waist!
I used to think people weren’t really thinking things like that, that it was all in my head. But it turns out people DO THINK things like that, they just don’t say them out loud to your face – they wait to post anonymously on a message board, or leave a comment saying so on a person’s blog (remember that comment?).
What difference does it make what other people think, or say about you? Isn’t it supposed to not matter? I can’t say it makes no difference at all, because when people put those thoughts into words, they do have an impact. How can they not? I’m a person too. I have feelings – It’s not easy reading negative comments and remarks about yourself online.
Those words do have less of an impact than they did just a few years ago though. I send them along in a canoe on the river flowing by while I stand on the bank. Good riddance.
But. Of course there’s a but.
I’m always trying to figure out why people do what they do, or say what they say, and then learn from it, maybe applying it to my own life. What is is that makes a person write those negative thoughts down? Or say them to someone? Or post them on a person’s facebook wall, or whatever? Why do we constantly tear others down to build ourselves up?
I know why, I used to do it. I used to need to feel “better than” to just feel “good enough.”
I was afraid. Afraid that someone else’s success would take away from my own. Afraid that I wasn’t good enough and I’d be found out sooner or later and everything I’d thought I’d achieved would disappear into thin air. I was always afraid. And I would feel a little better after I compared myself positively to someone else, or read something mean about someone I didn’t care for anyway. Of course, that less-afraid feeling was fleeting. And it completely disappeared when my naivete was broken and I started seeing all the mean things people were writing about ME. I could no longer rely on that tactic to make me feel better about myself; I had to find something else.
I found that in mindfulness and meditation. I found it in the realization that we are all the same. I found it in the idea that all we have is this moment.
We are all afraid. And we all suffer. We all deal with that fear and suffering in different ways. But we are all the same. We all have to work through it to get to the other side. And then once we’re there, we have to do it all again. And then we will all die.
And I don’t see that as depressing or sad or morbid anymore. I see it as an opportunity to celebrate – to really appreciate the little things in life, the moments, days, weeks, pop-up shops (!), Pure Barre classes (every class is worth a celebration, believe me!!). It is also a reminder that so much is fleeting and not even real; our thoughts, our worries, our anxieties, other people’s thoughts, words, etc., and not worth dwelling on.
I don’t want to feel ashamed to celebrate my success anymore, or be proud of myself. And I want to do more to celebrate the successes of others too. We are all working hard to carve out a little place for ourselves, while we are here, and that is worth celebrating*.
*haha…sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be so negative and jealous and angry I never thought I’d NOT be that way. And now I’m not. Who’d have thought. Honestly, who’d have thought I’d have taken 1,000 Pure Barre classes either. go figure. Or kept weight off for more than a month. Life never ceases to amaze me 🙂
**I took the “colostomy bag” reference out of the title and description after Rita’s comment. I didn’t mean to be insensitive, I was just using the term Eugene Levy’s character called David’s pants in Schitt’s Creek.
Once when my blog was more active than it is now, I had a few regular haters who would write ugly things about me. It doesn’t even matter what you’re like, they’ll find something to hate. One memorable post a hater wrote on her blog was about how unsanitary I was because I grew mushrooms at home. That one was actually pretty funny. I mean most hater ideas kind of are in a way, like Pure Barre couldn’t exist or make money as a business if they excluded people with different body types. Also most of your body type is determined by genetics, not your fitness program.
you’re so right – it’s so funny what people choose to “hate” on, it could be anything. there’s always something 🙂
Haters gonna hate. Kudos to you for not letting it ruin your day.
PS. Why are drop crotch pants so fun. Those JP ones………. sigh.
oh, you just reminded me i should stop by JP and try them on 😉 they were supposed to arrive this week!
i love haters, gives me something to write about LOL j/k
This is the first time I comment here and it won’t be the last.
I discovered your blog through the EWC and I love it!
You’re wonderful and inspiring. Haters gonna hate. Don’t let them project their insecurities on yourself!
Thank you for a daily source of style, entreprenariat and life inspiration.
xxx
– Chloe
Thank you for your honesty and your hopefulness regarding the hate. I worry a bit about growing to a place where I’m considered “big” because it brings the trolls. I am constantly worried that I’m not pretty or peppy enough to be a big success, and it wears on me, especially on Instagram, where image and sound bites are everything. Still, I think it’s important to be honest and realistic about our lives, and not let people on the internet who treat us like disposable goods be in charge of how we think about ourselves.
What a lovely, vulnerable and honest post. Life is way too short to be cruel to each other! (Although I even have to remind myself of that from time to time…)
Thank for you for this great post and reminder! Like everyone else has said, haters gonna hate…because they’ll hate a person for attending an exercise class/gym with the “wrong” body type, but then they’ll hate that same person for not doing any exercise or something to change their “wrong” body. So it’s no win. And you’re right, it’s because we are all afraid. I have rid myself of a lot of negative talk and thoughts in the last few years – I still have a looong ways to go – but when I realized all my negativity and hate was stemming from fear of the unknown, and fear of being myself, then that really freed me up.
Whenever I see someone wearing something that I think is unfashionable or looks bad, I stop and remind myself that 1) I have no standing to judge others’ fashion choices because of all my VERY questionable fashion choices (legwarmers with everything!) 2) I don’t know that person or what is going on in his/her life. Sometimes those are the only clothes they can afford/fit/find. Sometimes it’s a special outfit that makes them feel kick-ass. Maybe that piece belonged to someone special to them. We’re all just trying to live our lives!
That sucks Gretchen, I’m sorry to hear that. Putting yourself out there online is not easy (although can be rewarding). I don’t mind a little witty snark online but not at the expense of someone who has not done anything wrong or has been unkind. Mean girl behavior does nothing for anyone and you hit it, it says more about the person saying it than the recipient. And the body shaming? That pisses me off. How do we expect to have equality and respect as a gender if we tear each other down? Well I’m assuming it was women that made these comments. {{hugs}} to you and you be you. Your time and effort to blog is very appreciated by me and many of your readers.
That should read “has not been unkind”
You’re awesome. This post is my proof. Rock on with your bad self, lovely lady.
By the way, I hope this comment reverberates in your head more loudly and for way longer than any of those negative comments you read the other day. I hope it cancels them out and crushes them into oblivion.
Thank you for wearing whatever the fuck you want, taking pictures and posting, having opinions and writing great shit.
thanks tania – all the comments were anonymous, but in my experience it’s women who are hardest on other women, and nasty. sooooo nasty. it’s jealousy and fear, of course, but so upsetting. and you’re right, we’ll never get anywhere meaningful when we’re fighting among ourselves over who has the most “acceptable” look or body. ugh.
🙂
what negative comments??
thanks SJ.
You are amazing, Grechen. Most often when I am critical of others, it is exactly as you say, because I am trying to compensate for my own insecurity. People who post such hateful comments online, especially anonymously, must be incredibly unhappy people who would be much better served by honest self reflection that you offer so admirably. I definitely don’t have the guts to put myself out there the way you do. You are an inspiration for many.
As a member of a chronic illness community – one in which many of the members actually have colostomies – I was legit excited because I thought you were featuring pants that were actually made to accommodate a colostomy bag! That a HUGE gap in the fashion world – stylish and comfortable clothing that accommodates all kinds of medical needs. <3
Really? That’s what someone is choosing to do with their time and energy: It *is* sad.
Kudos to you for moving through it with such grace.
Grechen, I love your blog and look forward to your posts every day. In fact, I purposely wait until the afternoon to check your site so I can read your newest post and relax a little after a busy morning. I find you endlessly inspiring and your style is so accessible. When you model a piece, I can get an idea of how it will fit me, and you’re doing a huge service to all of your readers. Before I buy something, I head to your site to read your thoughts on it.
My husband sent me this funny meme recently and I hope you’ll enjoy it, too. I think this cat has the right idea. http://imgur.com/gallery/Xu3cx8D
oh my goodness. i hope that wasn’t offensive? david’s father calls his pants “colostomy bag pants” in that episode, and i know that’s what a lot of people think of drop-crotch pants. i don’t see why they wouldn’t accommodate a colostomy bag?? and i think they’re stylish…
oh man.. i just laughed so hard i scared dagny.
that’s a good one 🙂 thank you catherine!
Leah, one of the things I think could be helpful is an idea I saw on a celebrity’s Instagram…”It’s my feed so my rules: Hateful, mean comments get deleted and blocked!” I don’t have to support their 2nd Amendment right to be an A-hole…not on my blog, Instagram, FB, etc.
Why ever not? I see dropped crotch/ harem pants as a kind of boho classic that will never be “out of style.” It’s like hippie tops or Birkenstocks…they never really go away because people love to wear them! And to be functional, to-boot? That’s even better. 🙂
Grechen, I love your style! I love that you feature natural fibers, clothing made to last and manufactured through sustainable and ethical processes, and you find multiple ways to wear each item, thus making it more useful (and affordable).
As for Pure Barre, I don’t know why anyone would say that there is a certain body that is made by those classes. In my experience, a lot of my local ladies who do Pure Barre got that way through extreme dieting and other exercise (and plastic surgery for some), and they are using Pure Barre to stay toned. I used to run in a social circle with women like that, and the amount of self-loathing (and corresponding criticism of other women) drove me away. It’s not Pure Barre that causes or creates that kind of attitude. You keep on doing you – you are fantastic!
I had to wipe away a few tears while reading this. The thought of someone being so cruel to someone I consider a friend is really hard to think about. Just remember, you’re in good company, since those of us that love you and your style have been accused of being your “fawning sycophants”! 😉
Yore so right about “mean girls”! They’re so insecure about their own place in the group that the desire to be accepted by (or “squad” as it seems to be called) that they feel pressured to criticize everyone else to ensure that they’re in the hierarchy.
If I might share a pertinent story… (Gosh, I’m getting so old that I can’t recall if I’ve shared this before…oh well, just play along with me.) My daughter Anna, a freshman in college, was invited to hang-out with a couple of girls she knew casually. One was a girl from a very wealthy “old money” suburb of NYC, and the other, her adoring right-hand gal pal. It didn’t take Anna long to realize that she didn’t fit in when these two girls started criticizing other girls attending the college “on scholarship,” to which Anna replied, “I am!” and how they wanted to lunch at a very pricey cafe which Anna said plainly, was unaffordable for her. She called me and told me all about how uncomfortable the situation made her and that she had no need or desire to ever spend time with them again! Lo and behold, a few evenings later, Anna is walking across campus with a friend and spots “right-hand gal pal” drunk out of her mind with a guy holding on to her with a tight grip. My daughter said,”I know her…We need to intervene.” They approached the couple and Anna said, “We’ll take it from here,” to which the guy tried to make it seem like he was “just helping her back to her room.” Anna persisted and finally said, “Get lost!” She and her friend got the girl back to her dorm room, into her pj’s, garbage can next to her and found a girlfriend of hers to stay with her and keep an eye on her. The next day, “gal pal” sent a text to Anna to thank her for intervening, but also, apologizing for her deplorable behavior on the day they hung out. She was trying to fit in with the rich girl and was so embarrassed that she had gone along with the other girl’s statements. Yes, I’m a proud mom, but I think this illustrates how we can fall into “group think” very easily. Especially with the anonymity of the internet.
I’m so proud of you and your accomplishments, Grechen, and you should be, too. (I’m not as nice as you, tho. I’m picturing the canoe on fire, going over a waterfall while I’m waving goodbye on the bank. 😉 )
Dear Gretchen,
I have been a faithful reader of your website for almost two years. I was saddened to hear about the insensitive remarks that were made to you and I appreciate your honest and earnest response. At the same time, as I was reading this post, I was trying to understand how the reference to colostomy fit with your message. And I still don’t.
A bit of background…for many years, I was married to a man who had a colostomy. I was aware that he had his own issues with it and as a result, in spite of being a handsome, accomplished man, he struggled with self image because of the surgery he had in his teenage years. He was always exceptionally well dressed and stylish and wore “normal” men’s clothing.
In reading the bits about “colostomy” in this post, I was left with the impression that this term is used to describe a style of pants. In real life colostomy wearers do not wear pants like this, nor do they need to wear clothing like this where the crotch grazes the knees. Anyone who knows anything about colostomies will know that the type of garments shown in the photograph are not something that someone with a colostomy would wear as a means of accommodating their prosthesis. My reason for writing to you is to point out that by labeling these style of pants as colostomy pants comes across as a mockery towards people whose lives are affected by the need to wear a colostomy. Not dissimilar to referring to dresses with only one sleeve as an “amputee” dress. So sadly IMO this reference to colostomy came across as insensitive to that group. Rather confusing when the conversation is about acceptance and positive body image.
I normally don’t ever respond to posts but felt compelled to bring this to your attention – I know this wasn’t the intent as you strike me as a very sensitive and aware person.
I don’t expect you to post this comment publicly, and will understand if you don’t.
Sincerely, Rita
Thank you for your comment rita and I didn’t mean to be insensitive – I was re-posting a clip from schitt’s creek (in the photos) where eugene levy’s character calls his son’s character’s pants “colostomy pants”, and they’re just drop-crotch pants like the ones I wear frequently. I didn’t create that term for the pants, but i take responsibility for re-posting it…
i had no idea about any of this, so thank you for making it clear.
Thank you Gretchen. I didn’t realize the source. SC’s script writer clearly didn’t research well!
I truly believe you are in the ranks of folks who applaud any effort that goes to promoting positive body image for all shapes and sizes as the goal should be for health, as well as acceptance for people who have conditions, ( physical and/or mental) that make them different.
I enjoy all your posts.
Okay – been a silent reader/follower of yours for awhile… Love your style, love your blog. Keep at it! People are assholes and that is on them and reflects their insecurities.
awww val…
i sort of expect “mean girls” in high school, college and in our 20’s (even 30’s), but i honestly feel like beyond that, it’s enough, you know? at some point we should grow up… your daughter is a wonderful human being handling that like she did though, i wonder if at her age i would have done the same?
and i lol’d at your canoe on fire – now i will have to try to keep that image out of my head next time i try to calm myself by picturing that!! 😉 fire is not calming!!
Congrats on your 1000th Pure Barre class! That deserves some serious celebration.
Gretchen, you are such a constant source of inspiration to me and to so many of us.!! I look forward to checking your blog EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. , and I am just so sorry that you even had to see something so nasty and wrong. Man, all haters are nuts. As so many of your readers stated, they’re just miserable people. We have a great word for that type in Yiddish: ‘farbisseneh’, which basically means bitter and nasty and mean.
But it’s so crazy, because your body looks AWESOME!! OMG, I can’t believe how toned and shapely you’ve become. Just look back at your older posts (which were also adorable) and you can totally see how hard you’ve worked doing Pure Barre. That’s really what I wanted to say most of all, is that you look so fantastic. What I love about you and your blog and your style is that you own your healthy beautiful body and are kind enough to share with us all of your self doubts (which ALL of us have, too) and because your so brave, you help me to see the beauty in my less-than-perfect body and really relish how good exercise feels. Not to mention that I just love your lovely style.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I’m so glad you won’t let those bozos keep you from posting and staying such a wonderful inspiration to us all.
You rock.
Ugh, people are the worst. I’m sorry you had to read that. I love the way you talk about Pure Barre being a cause for celebration – THAT’s the reason to exercise, to feel good! I think you look great, too, and your embrace of sustainable fashion is totally inspirational. I’m also a big fan of yogi and author Jessamyn Stanley, for expanding the image of what “people who do yoga” look like: http://jessamynstanley.com
I really believe that most people are not thinking anything negative about other people most of the time. There are those people that do, but that is their own hell. I don’t say that to be mean, but rather to feel some sort of empathy. It is they that have to live with those thoughts, and that can’t be a nice place to be. It feels crappy when we hear them, but at least we can walk away from those voices and into the company of more peaceful people, including ourselves.
And btw, you do look like you’ve been doing Barre for 5 years. I’m incredibly impressed by your ability to stick to it and become so strong and healthy. It’s so inspiring. I also love your blog because you discuss topics like this. I really get so much out of reading it. Thank you.
The other wonderful ladies on this thread spoke so eloquently about your wonderful post…I hate what the anonymity of the internet has done to common decency, not to mention simple human kindness.
You are beautiful, fit and healthy…and you work so hard to stay this way!!
hugs from the beautiful Black Hills….cheryl
Chrissy Teigen? She is so great.
You are absolutely one of my inspirations, both style-wise and as a whole person. We’ve never met of course, but I can feel your positive vibes through the computer, ha. I check your blog every day and I’m so happy you post nearly that often. I don’t know what I’d do if you stopped!
To me, style IS wearing what you like, and feeling good in it and being proud of it. That’s why you radiate good energy–I think most people who read your blog can absolutely feel that. Personally, I think you nail it every time. Your pieces are current, beautifully made, responsible, AND they look great on you. For what it’s worth, you HAVE changed so much in the time I’ve been reading your blog. I actually have been thinking recently how wonderful you look in EVERYTHING you post. Your body is strong and you simply glow. You look healthy, and yes, thinner than before but that’s not why you look beautiful. Simply losing weight doesn’t give someone strength and that glow. I know because I used to have an eating disorder! The worst I ever looked was at my lowest weight. I look back at pictures and cringe, ha.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you those things. I will be here rain or shine, eagerly awaiting your new posts, thoughts on fashion, and musings about getting dressed. You’re my favorite blogger!
Dear Grechen,
I read and participate to your blog because of you who are – style, arms, Pure Barre and all, because you are both aspirational and real. Don’t try to be a different person!
I am always surprised at the level of hate that circulates over the internet, just reading comments after any current news article is depressing. At this level, it has nothing to do with you or anyone else, it feels like some people just use this place to spew out whatever unhappiness or frustration they have. They need therapy!
Congratulations on your 1,000th class! That’s amazing! I’ve been doing Pure Barre for 2ish years now and I’ve actually gained weight from all the new muscles. At first I was a little upset that my pants were fitting a bit tighter, but I can do so many more things in class- hold the poses, stay in plank, etc. It’s awesome! And, I think that’s really what Pure Barre is about- gaining strength and feeling healthy- not having some kind of “ideal” ballerina body.
Sometimes I’ll be in a class next to someone with that kind of negative energy, where it feels like they’re out to prove something, and I’ll just close my eyes for most of class. I remind myself that what they’re going through is their own thing and doesn’t matter to me and my workout at all.
Like many who have commented before, I look forward to reading your blog every afternoon. Always a bright spot in my day. Your voice resonates with so many of us. I hope you don’t allow other people’s negativity to overwhelm you.
Let’s face it, your job exposes you to these kinds of comments. Just like celebrities, it comes with the territory. You mostly get positive feedback from your readers and it’s what you’re used to. So when a nasty one comes along, you get hit by a ton of bricks and it hurts. I say, let it. Who cares? There will always be haters and you can’t control what they say or do. If I were you, I’d read them all and laugh at their miserable attempt at tearing you down. It only has power over you if you allow it.
I was wearing drop crotch yesterday too. Yes to Kowtow’s trestle pants, my favourite and yes to Schitt’s Creek, brilliant!
Grechen, I’ve been reading your excellent blog for a couple of years now and I just have to tell you how much you’ve inspired me. Two years ago I was in a style rut (and, I realized later, a LIFE rut) and I couldn’t find any style blogs that really seemed to explore the ideas I wanted to explore in terms of clothing, silhouette, etc. Then I found you. You were a beacon. Your style — minimalist, but with architecture; wearable, but with an avant-garde edge; sustainable, conscious, thoughtful — spoke to me in a way no other style blog does. And your positive comments about Pure Barre gave me the courage to start learning ballet, which I always wanted to do, but always felt that I couldn’t because I was too short (I’m 5′ 3″ also!) and too flabby, too stiff, too out of shape, too old (I’m 43 now), too clumsy. You helped me realize that I *could* do ballet if I wanted to. I’m coming up on my one year anniversary of starting ballet and while I’ll probably never get my leg up as high as other students in the class, I’m stronger, more flexible, and frankly, in the best shape I’ve been since I was in high school. And I’m really proud of that. Thank you.
I was doing a search on dropped crotch pants (for myself) and came across your site (I don’t know if that is the correct term but I am running with it). I liked the pictures you posted of your clothes and think your style is great. As for your post, I sometimes see people and think things but try to erase them after they pop up in my head and would never write them down. I don’t follow twitter, instagram or other social media forms and I think that helps me stay sane. I was just thinking the other day about how difficult it must be for young people who are so involved in social media that it has negatively impacted how they feel about themselves.
hi bridget! thanks for your comment 🙂
i agree with your statement about social media negatively impacting how we feel about ourselves…and it’s not just young people! it’s really hard to use social media and not get caught up in “likes” and shares, etc….