GOLDSIGN Virtual high rise jeans
EVERLANE chunky knit tunic
JAMES PERSE fleece bomber jacket
RAG & BONE Aston boots
JAS MB bag
I have felt a shift recently. A movement away from wanting everything, to not wanting much, and being happy (in fact, delighted) with what I have. As I browse online, I absolutely see things I love, and think I want/need (…these Robert Clergerie slides for one…), but the desire is fleeting. I have learned to close the window, or move on to other things, and shift my focus back to the experience of writing and sharing my passion, instead of wanting more stuff.
I’ve trained my brain, I think, to focus on the present, and what is important right now. I’m not meditating, or doing anything very different than I did a month ago, except that I’ve become more aware and perhaps more accepting of myself. A lot of this has to do with circumstances too – lack of money circumstances. It helps that I simply don’t have money to spend on clothes anymore, so I have to shift gears a bit. But even when I do have a little extra spending money, it’s harder for me to part with it now, especially if it’s in cash.
I realize now that I don’t need more than one of something, or maybe two. Two pairs of jeans, actually, because I like to have a skinny/fitted + a slouchy/less-fitted pair. But more than that seems excessive. Also, ankle boots. Since I got these Rag & Bone boots I’ve become obsessed. I wear them constantly, and have even started thinking about what will happen when I wear them out. Should I try and find another pair now? Should I try and find a different pair, so I don’t wear these out?
This is a subject that deserves much more in-depth analysis, and I’ll provide that in another post, but I’m beginning to realize that I can simply enjoy what I have right now – each individual thing – boots, jeans, etc., without worrying too much about whether I’ll still have them in 5 years, or that I should have a “backup” pair.
I’ve spent much too much time thinking about that – worrying – for nothing. In the end, when I’ve decided to buy a second color (not color, obviously, but maybe a black version of something I have already in white) of something I love, I don’t end up wearing it as much as the original.
And it’s hardly ever the case that I’ve worn something completely out and wanted the exact thing again. There’s always something different/better that I can replace it with. Why not just enjoy the thing while it lasts, REALLY enjoy it, instead of tainting that joy with thoughts of a future without it?
Ah. Well, that gets to the heart of it doesn’t it…
oh… I need to sit with this one for a while.
Hi Gretchen —
I can relate to “fleeting.” I’ve found it easier over the last few years to just buy what I need for the most part. You get tired of buying things because you love the look or quality of them, even if they don’t bowl you over when it comes to fit/flattery. So then why spend?
I like the short black jacket you’re wearing in today’s photo — what is it, or did I miss that in your post?
Getting back to you about the Everlane silk blouses and I might as well comment on the short-sleeved slub T (yes, I still call them blouses – sexist of me? Oh, well :).
I ordered the long-sleeve round collared blouse in blush, which is a gorgeous color. Not too pink and very soft. Alas, that was the style that didn’t flatter at all so it went back. I also ordered the point-collar blouse in root, which is also a nice earthy brown, not quite standard brown if you’re going to split hairs. Although the fit isn’t perfect, it’s suitable enough as a longer blouse (not quite a tunic, thankfully) with the jeans. The slub T’s styling and fabric are great and the length was good; but it was big. And I think the next size down would be too tight.
I can certainly understand why a company would like to keep close track of its returns as part of its inventory control, especially a start-up. But I’ve found it frustrating to deal with Everlane — due to their returns process (filling out a form to receive the label, where most companies include the label with the merchandise) and the fact that everything has to be done online (I’d like to speak to people occasionally–sometimes email just doesn’t cut it), makes the overall experience clunky and irritating at times. I have to meditate for five minutes minimum before I go online to communicate with them. They’re very nice and helpful and return emails fairly quickly (though a live chat would be nice!). They’re also local, and some of their stuff is made HERE (I vote for more of that). But saving the few dollars on certain items may or may not be worth it. I enjoy the convenience of shopping with other companies who offer more sizing and service options.
Ok, sorry. Off the soap box and back to work.
Have a lovely Weds!
LP
Sorry G — I see you’re wearing the James Perse Bomber jacket. Guess I’ve not caffeinated enough yet today!
LP
Omg, you are right…I never end up wearing the second color/back up as much as I wear the original! I don’t think I’ve actually ever worn out my shoes or clothes to the point that I’ve had to get rid of them because of wear. I am usually ‘done with them’ long before I get to that point. A related ongoing mistake I make is that I STILL ‘save’ the pieces I love the most in fear that they will some day wear out. Or maybe that’s not the real fear?…I’ll have to think about that. Whenever I admire your Rag and Bone boots I think of the the Rachel Comey boots I have in my closet that I have never worn. Last year I got better at clearing out my mediocre stuff so that I would actually wear my good stuff. Yet I still throw on my birkenstock clogs if I need to leave the house. This is an inspiring post, and you’ve given me much to think about. Thanks.
I was of the mindset of “needing” to buy every color of whatever pair of pants or shirt that I was in love with at the moment. It kind of became obsessive, like I was trying to fill this empty hole up with as much “stuff” as i could. Or i felt like I was “missing out” if i didn’t have multiples of the same thing but in a different color.
Fortunately, I’ve been able to recognize that mindset and like you, learn to be satisfied with just one. It’s not always easy though or very successful but I’m trying.
Great post! When I do what I did yesterday I wonder about myself. I just couldn’t help it but I bought the exact duplicate of the black James Perse Fleece blazer/ pea coat that I love. Same exact. Because ya know what if something happens to it!! .
I am of two minds about this purchase bc I only want to buy just a few things each season so now this counts as one of them. On the other hand I just love this jacket and wear it 5 times a week. It is the perfect foil for so many things
.
I’m really looking forward to your thoughts about the buying of items just in case. It is such a strong pull for me! Especially if it is a “basic” like a James Perse item 🙂
I have divulged to you before that I am a daily follower and rare commenter. I have appreciated your recent posts about minimalism, quality versus quantity and awareness [ self and product }. You have motivated me to examine my own closet and shopping habits and how much I really need. Just for kicks, after I read your blog today where the following statements stood out: “being happy with what I have”, “lack of money circumstances” and “there is always something different/better I can replace it with”, I was curious how much the ensemble you were wearing cost, so I clicked on each link. Now, to be fair, you have not said whether or not the items were gifts to review, or purchased on sale {I know the shoes were}, but I honestly was shocked at the total.
$1571.
That is more than my monthly mortgage. I do not have money circumstances and would never spend that on an outfit.
For me, it sort of disregards the initial impact of the above comments. Sorry 🙁
I used to be guilty of buying variations of the same item–different color or print, for instance. And it’s true, the second item usually didn’t get as much use, or in the instance where I “settled” first and then found the version I really wanted and purchased that, too, it was the first item that wouldn’t get much use.
I have a couple pairs of jeans for which I really want backup pairs (because the versions that are out now are so stretchy and thin and crappy compared to the ones I love) but other than that, I think I will try to avoid backups and variations.
That’s my goal: To get to a place of peace in my mind and satisfaction with what I already own. I’m going to try some of your tactics, cuz I’m not doing very well right now. Plus, you’re so right about not buying duplicates of items I love, such as boots, because I KNOW I’m going to want something new!
I think you’ve mentioned Kali’s blog before, but her posts on her shopping “fast” and how she’s replaced shopping with other activities have really resonated. Not that I’ve done it as much as I can myself, but interesting to think about.
http://the-nife.blogspot.com/2015/01/shopping-fast-post-mortem-22.html
okay, i have to admit that i’ve been struggling with how to respond to this for hours. i didn’t want to be too emotional, or angry, or defensive. you know, all those things that happen immediately one feels attacked. which i did. feel attacked. although i’m absolutely sure you did not mean it as such (i’m pretty sensitive, and prone to over-analysis. and it is the internet, after all)
see, i wrote this post and had a major life revelation at the end, an aha! moment, as oprah would say, about how i taint my enjoyment of a “thing” by worrying about a future without it, if i happen to love it so much. i realized also, that this plays out in my daily life, in my relationships. i am too busy worrying about my future without my parents, maybe without my sister, or without my husband, without any kids, etc., etc., to enjoy each moment today. now that i’ve realized that my attitudes about enjoying my “stuff” and my relationships are similar, i know better how to deal with each of them, and move beyond the worrying into acceptance and really feeling the joy.
anyway, i literally had to sit down after i wrote this, just examining those feelings, and that revelation, before i could carry on. i can be a little dramatic also 😉
i also thought that i was being very personal and open with my feelings and my struggles with having too many things, but always wanting more – and my journey to overcome that. i made myself vulnerable, as it were, which is a dangerous thing to do on the internet. And has it’s costs sometimes.
i did mention my “lack of money circumstances” and that I simply don’t have money to spend on clothes ANYMORE, though, and although that wasn’t the focus of my post, or my ideas, it’s what you picked up on. A funny thing that…you put your words out there, and anyone can do with them what they wish!
anyway, i understand, sort of, how you came to the conclusion you did, that i can’t possibly have a “lack of money” if i’m spending what amounts to more than your mortgage on an outfit. but what i don’t understand is how that negates the impact of my words. is it an idea that because i have the means, and choose to spend that much on clothes, of course i must be “happy with what i have”? i mean, who wouldn’t be? or maybe it’s insulting that i have in the past found it a STRUGGLE to be happy with what i have? because if i’m spending so much money on things, i’d have to be happy by virtue of the fact that i have so much money to spend?
that’s what i don’t get. i truly don’t understand that. i’ve written over and over again about my struggle to define myself with my clothes, and how i thought that the more i had, the nicer things i had, the better i’d be – that i would be transformed into a happier person. a person who is good enough. i’ve tried so hard to get away from that, to move away from the idea that if i have this sweater, i’ll just be happy. everyone will think i’m good enough. And then when i write about how i’ve nearly overcome that, that i’ve begun to accept myself, and my wardrobe AS IT IS, and that i want to enjoy what i have, i get called out for spending more than $1500 on an outfit.
Which, at the end of the day isn’t even the case. I didn’t spend $1,500 on this outfit:
the JP jacket was a gift from my dad & step-mom for my birthday. a VERY VERY VERY generous gift – one that i’m thankful for every time i look at it.
i got the everlane tunic with credits they very generously give me as a partner, and from credits i earn from readers buying via my link.
i ordered the jeans from shopbop using credit i earn from them every month for displaying their widget on my sites, same for the rag & bone boots. i did have to add $100 to that order since I didn’t have enough shopbop credit, and i funded that by selling items from my own closet.
the bag is nearly five years old, and i can’t remember how much i paid for it – i think i bought it on sale for $250 or so?
anyway, long response to your comment juli, but it really started me thinking…i’m glad you decided to leave it. i still have more to say, but i’ll do that another time 😉
thanks for your reviews lily! i hate that you’re having such a frustrating experience with everlane – but i hear what you’re saying. i think for some things, they’re wonderful, but for others, just okay….
yes, i still save pieces too – although i’m trying VERY hard to make an effort not to. i also save makeup. i don’t want to waste it on just target, you know? 😉
um… this? “I make is that I STILL ‘save’ the pieces I love the most in fear that they will some day wear out. Or maybe that’s not the real fear?” – brilliant. and food for thought. let me know if you figure it out first 🙂 i’m trying to think too…what IS the real fear??
**maybe it’s the “good enough” thought? we think we’re not “good enough” to wear the things we love the most as often as we want to. or just to target? i’m not good enough to wear makeup to target? harem pants to costco?? (i’m certainly not saying you’re not good enough – only just that THIS has been my issue and continues to be a struggle…)
Dear Gretchen,
If you don’t mind me dropping more of my three cents, it sounds like you’re doing great – really asking some hard questions. Everything’s relative. What you’re asking yourself and your readers reminds me of something I saw this am from a journal I follow on Twitter about growth in the turmoil. Hard for me at least to remember. But keep the hope and the good thoughts and actions! All we can do.
LP
PS – I’m so impressed that you’ve kept this blog going since 2004 – did I read right? I’m so impressed. That’s a lot of sweat and love!
I think it’s hard to take a step back and process what Juli commented if it’s your personal life she is commenting on. I don’t think that Juli’s comment was mean-spirited or overly critical. I know what you’ve shared makes you vulnerable, but could Juli be pointing out something you’ve feared that other readers or your friends have thought but have not said? It’s a pretty dire situation not to have retirement savings but to have picked up all the items you listed in one of the other minimalist closet posts.
You wrote: “And then when i write about how i’ve nearly overcome that, that i’ve begun to accept myself, and my wardrobe AS IT IS, and that i want to enjoy what i have, i get called out for spending more than $1500 on an outfit.”
I don’t know, why link to the clothes if the price of the garments shouldn’t be discussed?
i certainly can’t fault you for that 🙂
if i wore something every day and it was an absolutely staple in my wardrobe, i think i’d be very tempted to buy an identical one for backup. or if it was a coat or jacket i loved, like your JP peacoat…
i’ve just found that over the years, i’ve just used the duplicates idea as an “excuse” to buy more/new things – not because i needed them, or had even worn something out. but what else is new?? 😉
yes! thank you 🙂
i link to items because that’s what i’ve always done – it’s a fashion blog, at it’s heart, although it’s “evolved” – and my original goal: to feature items i love on my own body is still a strong one. i wanted to provide an alternative look at contemporary fashion; not on a model, and in real life. a big part of that is linking directly to where to buy each specific item.
and honestly, i’ve never considered that the price of anything was relevant. because i’ve never considered how much ANYONE spend on anything relevant – but i do understand that it has value in certain circumstances. i just can’t choose those circumstances anymore…i did decide to disclose my financial situation as i started on my “minimal closet” journey, so it’s fair game, and definitely part of my process. so…
thank you for your comment. i admit, i was sensitive about the original comment, and maybe it did hit home a little too hard. of course, isn’t that always the case when we get defensive??
Oh Grechen, you’ve given me so much to think about! I’ve run the gamut of everything you’ve outlined here, but lately I’ve found myself back in the old habit of wanting more…
If I had to put a finger to it, for myself, the wanting indicates a form of anxiety or procrastination. There are projects I need/want to move forward with. Shopping somehow helps postpone that uncomfortable sensation of having to be inside my own mind, and work with my own thoughts and shortcomings.
I get mini-obsessions with a type of item, usually coming out of looking at some style blog – which I try to limit these days. Then I wind up with a folder of bookmarks and a bunch of watched items on eBay. I have gotten better about just sitting a few days on something, and waiting, to see if the love is still there. Boy, is it hard! But it is working. I have two items sitting on my eBay watch list that I have watched for a month now, and love. If they are still there in another four weeks, and the love is still there, I may pull the trigger. Maybe not. I want to see what happens when the weather changes and the days get noticeably longer again. It seems to me that the advent of a new season, has a direct impact on my ‘cravings’.
I had a brief period where I bought duplicates of the things I loved, but I stopped, when I realized that I was just wearing the one item over and over – and when I realized, with an $89 sweater, that the hem was rolling and it was pilling fast. I was able to sell that duplicate on eBay for most of what I’d paid, but that was a wake-up call: wait, wear what I’ve got, see how well it does, then decide if I need an exact replacement.
For shoes and leather bags and jackets, one of my great joys is to condition the leather, polish it (shoes), and take my shoes to the cobbler. It is very satisfying to me, the act of polishing the leather, and I don’t feel anxious to have a replacement ready to go. And there is something exciting about picking up a favorite pair of shoes from the cobbler – it is like having something brand new, but better, because I know these are shoes I love.
I do split wears though, if it is a one-of-a-kind older item that I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to easily replace with something similar.
Grechen, thank you for your blog, and for your words. You have made such an impact on how I look at clothing, shopping, and just ‘things’. Really and truly, thank you 🙂
Gretchen, you’ve been very open about your clothing budget and it has been very helpful to me in determining how much I should set aside for my own wardrobe purchases. Personally, I’ve not had much luck with inexpensive clothes, except for items that are more frequently replaced– like cotton t-shirts, or underwear. So I tend to gravitate toward more expensive pieces. But I still have to watch my budget.
I think your blog does a very good job of demonstrating how one person works toward achieving that balance: quality and style vs. budget limitations and desired quantities.
I think there might simply be a gap/disconnect between what you can spend on clothing (and much is “payment” in the form of credits for your blog) and what your readers can spend (because readers use “real” money.) I don’t think the comment was disrespectfully meant. And I really think your response was great: measured and clear.
I have to say I really appreciate your transparency about your blog income/finances. It is very rare and-once again-much appreciated.
yes, i understand that disconnect – and i should definitely do a better job of explaining that in every post where i feature items i wear. i try to do it the first time i wear something, and then i relax a bit, but i think it would be helpful to be more consistent. i do get it. 😉
thank you for your comment!
I agree-it really is all relative. You include many things on your site that I would never put out the cash for, even though I could. To me they are just more than I am comfortable with spending for bags/shoes. My top out for these are at around $500. However-over the weekend my friend was saying how she couldn’t believe that her daughter has a coach purse for $150-more than she has ever spent on a bag. She would have died if I had mentioned how much the bag I was carrying was!
I don’t think the poster who itemized you clothes did so with malice- I am guessing that since she frequents your blog she has seen, like me, the many high priced (and awesome) things that you own. I do think that she should have considered that your feelings would probably be hurt because you are a bit vulnerable right now because of the place that you are in.
I also want to point out that it seems like most of the “nouvelle minimalists” out there have put together extremely expensive capsules. I think that this is partially because most of them have the means and the interest in fashion to do so but also that the emphasis is spending more on quality so that it lasts -instead of quantity.
You are looking great btw and have inspired me to pick up a tru barre groupon!
Ah… the power of the written word. It’s what our society is moving towards, sadly, with texting, blogging, tweeting, emailing, etc. Both my husband and daughter prefer to converse this way, yet constantly feel “misunderstood”. Imagine that!
I feel that most writers, speaking in whatever form and platform they chose, set out not to be controversial, but can end up censored regardless.
Know that my post was not a mere rant, but a thought-out response to your post. I believe that positivity and negativity can play a tremendous part in having a conversation about things. Granted, that volley is better suited for a face-to-face conversation, so intonation and facial expressions can also be factored into comprehension of the conversation. Now, to clarify, I do not disagree with someone or “push buttons” just to make the conversation “more interesting”, like some do. But given that this is a blog, what other options are there besides typed responses?
Given the topic of the post, if the statements you made in your response about how you acquired each item, I believe your comments would have been positively supported. Initially, the reader was only left to assume. { Which again is the nature of the written word. Novels wouldn’t be near as satisfying if the author spelled out everything and left the reader with no need to surmise actions and events on their own. }
Just guessing at this, but I would imagine the majority of your audience is the 40-something woman who dresses casually for a job and to manage their children and household. In my mind, this is the demographic who would totally connect with you. This is me, who works part time at a job I can be casually-professional for, with the rest of my time schlepping kids around, volunteering at school and shopping for the household. Do I need to carry a even $100 purse for these activities? Do I need to prove something to myself by doing so? Will that make me better at my job or parenting? No. Have I received many complements on my thrift-store purse? Absolutely.
In no way was my post meant to be malicious, just food for thought. We can only control what we say and not how the recipient chooses to react.
oh..yay for barre 🙂 let me know how you like it!!
Thank you for your comment, i appreciate that you took the time to leave it.
And yes, i was definitely sensitive about it, and vulnerable…but i have chosen to put myself out there – i accept what comes with it.
i guess my biggest issue and confusion was the statement that the fact that i supposedly spent so much on my outfit completely negated the “impact of my words” – that still baffles me. like my feelings or words have no meaning because of the clothing i choose to buy. maybe i’m reading it wrong, but that is what i really don’t get.
thank you juli, for following-up. i understand your comment, and even though i took it harder than i should have (probably), i hear what you are trying to say.
and of course, i completely agree with your analysis of the written word – it’s a struggle i face every day here, and one i guess i fail at every once in a while. it’s hard to balance writing EVERYTHING, and then leaving other things open to foster conversation. And the conversation is what i really want…positive and negative. so thank you for that. your comment REALLY made me think. i’ve done nothing but think since then…over-thinker anonymous here!!
here’s a good point though that NOW you have me thinking about – i don’t try to be relate-able, i guess. how can i be? most women my age have kids, work outside the home, and probably have their shit together. i don’t have kids, i work at home, and feel a mess many days…all i try to do here is share my thoughts and feeling about things, hoping that someone, somewhere feels less alone, or can relate to it somehow, and it helps a little.
so, this is a little of why i don’t – or didn’t – consider my financial situation to be relevant. because maybe not much else in my life is relevant either. i know there are quite a few 40-something readers here without kids and who work from home, but i wouldn’t say it’s a majority. i write for whoever chooses to listen. and i am always grateful for the ones who do.
thank you so much…
Mary Beth, i could have written this myself! I think for me, it’s the anxiety and procrastination (Such as, I haven’t purged my closet yet, and my chair is NOT a closet!). And what you said about “mini-obsessions” with certain items. I need to re-learn impulse control. That, and shopping at night when I truly forget that I’ve purchased something until I get the shipping notice! YIKES!
I agree, Mallory. I didn’t sense that Juli was being unkind, but rather, that she was really wondering about the points she brought up about Grechen’s post. I was thinking the same thing about how Grechen’s credits for advertising are really a part of her doing business as a fashion blogger, so I understand being ABLE to spend more on certain items. Plus, it isn’t like Grechen went out and spent $1500 in one shopping trip. I have Paige jeans that retail for almost $200, but I got them new on ebay for only $59. And gifts are gifts.
But, that being said, quality vs. quantity costs big money. We ALL have different incomes and budgets in which we can afford/not afford to shop. For me, anyway, I never would have shopped for VINCE, 360 Cashmere, or even certain J Crew pieces in the past. But I’ve allowed myself to shop beyond my budget, which probably SHOULD be more Target, Gap, and Old Navy! Seriously! My mom always said I had “Champagne taste on a beer budget!” and she was right!
But once you have an eye for quality, it’s tough to go back. My problem with shopping is that I need to say, “OK, I spent $150 on the VINCE sweater, so that’s it for sweaters this Fall.” But I don’t. I keep shopping and need doesn’t have anything to do with it.
I understand that everyone’s circumstances are different.
But I think you ARE relatable, Grechen, whether you try to be or not. That’s obvious by the comments from your readership on a daily basis. I really think that you dress well in quality clothing that suits your current budget. And you are fortunate that your business…the blog…not only allows you to dress well, but encourages it! ( I mean, seriously, would I be as interested in reading if you only bought from Target or Old Navy? NO!)
I also think that because you choose simple shapes and neutral colors, it’s easy to duplicate your look, albeit, maybe not the quality, with pieces that are similar but less expensive. I do that a lot when I post items on Pinterest. I find it “aspirational.”
Juli’s right about serious conversation being best in person, which is something my husband and I have encouraged (successfully!) in our daughters. It’s always best to step back and take a breath…. <3
I have so much to say about all this, and it has been clogged up in my head all week…and now the moment has passed and the conversation is over. If it comes up again, I may rush in with my thoughts. In the mean time, let me say this…
I was reading The Simple Dollar blog this morning and Trent said something that hits on one aspect (of about four) of this discussion: “A cheap person cuts every pleasure from his or her life in order to maximize every cent. A frugal person cuts back on the less important areas of his or her life in order to sustain the areas that are meaningful while still balancing the books financially and putting aside money for the future.” We discriminate quite a bit on what another person should consider “important”. I appreciate that you are teaching me to think more intentionally about being frugal (not cheap) and about the ethical choices I make as a consumer: who makes my stuff? under what conditions? what responsibility do we have toward other human workers and animals and land affected by our choices? can I support my local economy? and why do we only think in terms of dollars and not the collateral damage cheap choices might make? Being willing to pay more but live with less has really changed my life and my budget. Thanks.
I LOVE THIS!!!! i need to read that blog regularly, obviously. i read it once after you mentioned it before, but i’ve fallen way behind in my blog reading…
such great food for thought, i’m going to be thinking about this all day….
Beautifully written, Christina! Lots of important thoughts here.